What a week! This episode definitely made up for some of the snooze-fest episodes we had to endure at the beginning of the season....but this is why we watch, right?
Like last week, we follow the graphic arts plane to the next location: Anguilla. The sunny skies, sandy beaches and beautiful sunsets remind us of St. Lucia and we start scanning for Vienna in her frilly-bottomed teal bikini. Thankfully, neither she nor Jake are anywhere to be found. But ever-reliable Chris Harrison pops up to tell the girls about the week. In what is somewhat foretelling of the rule-breaking that is going to be going on this episode, Chris informs the remaining bachelorettes that there will be 3 one-on-one dates and one group date...however, there will be no roses on the individual dates, but there will be one up for grabs on the group date. So, in a way, it's actually better to be on the group date...go figure! Regardless, Michelle knows that she will get an individual date this time to make up for Brad breaking his promise not to repel with anyone but her!
The first date card is for Emily and everyone in TV land lets out a collective "awwww." She states that she is looking forward to her and Brad getting past those initial butterfly stages....I'm looking forward to Brad showing an ounce of charisma. We all feel bummed for Britt because she still has not had a one-on-one date, but we assure ourselves that she will get the next one - if she doesn't, I'm going to start spouting my theory that he is her cousin who is there to spy on the other girls (a la Jesse Palmer's season)...which would be awesome...but which would also give their make-out scenes a whole new meaning.
Brad picks up Emily and surprise surprise - they get picked up in a helicopter (groan). Emily gushes about how flattered she is that Brad went through all this trouble for her date and I try to suffocate myself with a throw pillow - I love Emily....why is she making all my pet peeve mistakes?! Let's go through this one more time....Brad has nothing, and I mean 0%, to do with planning the dates. Therefore, don't be surprised when, after the show is over and he no longer has an intern setting everything up for him, he becomes the most unromantic, boring man ever. Really, it's not fair to set these girls up, but then again anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together should have already figured this one out.
The helicopter takes Brad and Emily to their own private island....which is really just a sandbar with a manshift leanto on it. Emily is excited and I wince at the thought of being on a deserted island with Brad....that would mean that we would have to strike up a conversation and let's just say chatting up the ladies has not proven to be his strong suit.
Brad admits to being really nervous around Emily and I think maybe this explains his awkwardness. Emily is flattered by it and they talk about how much they like each other and Emily makes the comment that she had originally stated their relationship would not work out unless the sun and the moon were there together...which, conveniently they are. I'm confused because I don't ever recall her saying that....but, if she did in fact say that, the intern who planned this date needs a raise pronto because that was genius!
At dinner we are treated to a lovely meal on the beach and another round of the braided bang hairstyle. Thankfully, due to creative editing, we get to the meat and potatoes of this meal quickly. Brad wants to know if he will get to meet Emily's daughter, Ricky, on the hometown date. Emily sighs and Brad gets flustered. This single moment did two things for me:
1) Made me love Emily and respect her as a mother even more. This is her child, not her puppy dog, and she has every right to be protective of her daughter...she's her mother. Her behavior, is of course in contrast to Michelle's behavior in which she talks about her daughter like the newest accessory - "I can't wait to bring you to meet my daughter! Don't worry, she won't be confused or traumatized, I bring new men over all the time to meet her."
2) Made me actually dislike Brad....who is now known as Mr. Selfish. Yes, I can understand that he would like to meet Emily's daughter since she is such an important part of Emily's life (and would be a significant aspect of his life if he and Emily ended up together) - I get that. But the fact that he could not see or respect that Emily is just being a good mom really bothered me. So now he's selfish and boring....remind me why he's the Bachelor.
In the first of several rule-breaking moments, Brad tells Emily outright that she is getting a rose at the next ceremony....so this whole "Will you introduce me to your daughter or won't you?" is not a hypothetical - it's going to happen....and you have one week to make that huge decision Em....good luck! You know that when he told her he was going to give her a rose, that poor intern was thinking, "I'm getting fired! After all the over-the-top romantic dates I plan, I'm going to get fired because Brad has gone rogue!" But are we really to be surprised that Brad has difficulty staying within the lines? I mean, the only reason we're on Brad's Season: The Sequel is because Brad refused to pick anyone at the end of his first season...that's breaking the cardinal rule of the Bachelor...you must pick someone - even Bob Guiney gave Estella a diamond friendship ring before dumping her for a soap opera star.
Emily's date ends and we find out, through another datecard, that Shawtal is the recipient of the next one-on-one date. The camera immediately goes to Britt and we all just cringe in embarrassment for her. The card might as well said, "Dear Not Britt" - I felt so bad for her and she clearly was getting worried herself.
But I quickly bounce back because I adore Shawntal and am excited that she (and not Michelle) got the second one-on-one date. Thankfully Shawtal does not know that Emily was whisked away to a private island...if she did, her date of riding bikes around the farmer's market might feel a little inferior. She and Brad ride their bikes, drink coconut milk straight from the coconut and chat up Ms. Cleo's cousin, Auntie B. Auntie B. has some sage advice for our little lovebirds - they should hold hands and maybe kiss. She clearly has never seen The Bachelor or heard of the infamous "fantasy suite." This date reminds me of Jake's date with Gia....but then I remember that Gia got sent home at the rose ceremony after the date and I start to worry for Shawntal.
Emily and Brad had a wonderful time watching both the sun and moon while on a deserted island....Shawntal and Brad set up a picnic in someone's backyard where there are goats....I'm just saying. But Shawntal is game for this and gathers up the cajones to tell Brad she is falling for him. He seems pleased with this news and we clearly see that he is not as smitten with her as he is with Emily. And for anyone who missed that, he outright says that this date is not at the same level as his date was with Emily. I cross my fingers and pray that the date-planning intern gets back his A-game and plans something amazing for the evening.
Dinner is being served at what looks like a deserted resort. Brad and Shawntal set up shop in a little thatch hut on the water. It's cute. They talk about Brad's father leaving and Shawntal asks if it's awkward for Brad to hear about her family and father since they are really close. Brad confesses that he doesn't usually talk about his dad and they he loves how comfortable he is with Shawntal. My worry grows.....there's something about the way he always compliments her with words like "comfortable" and "relaxed"...these are friend words. But, I hold out hope when Brad says he (meaning the intern) has something amazing planned and they kiss in the rain....I just didn't know that the "something awesome" was Bankie Banx, the most famous Aguillan musician. Why Brad needs to tell is this is beyond me....it's as if Aguilla is just bursting at the seams with future Grammy winners. Shawntal looks hella confused and I internally curse the ABC intern for giving Shawntal the worst one-on-one date in Bachelor history. I think Michelle slipped the intern $50 and some tongue to sabatoge the date....well done, intern.
In order to escape the musical stylings of Bankie Banx, Shawntal makes a break for the ocean. We get a glimpse of the butterfly tatoo on her back....which would not have been so bad if the butterfly didn't look like something out of the Mezozoic Era. Daniel popped in at this very moment to say hello and goes, "That's going to look great in 10 years."....see, Brad? That's charisma.
Meanwhile, back at the temporary homestead, my spy-theory is blown out of the water when Britt receives the last one-on-one date. Even though this means they will be on the group date, Ashley H and Chantal seem genuinely glad that Britt finally gets a one-on-one date. Michelle feels nothing of the sort and gives Britt the stink-eye.
Brad admits that Britt is behind and I fight back the urge to yell at the TV, "Yeah, well who's fault is that?" At this point the only thing Brad knows about Britt is what toothpaste she uses and what the back of her throat feels like....that's it. So, when he picks her up, I couldn't help but feel that the date was either going to be incredible or a total flop...no in-between. And within 5 minutes, I sadly realized it was the latter....and so did Brad.
The intern, pissed at Brad for breaking the rules and worried that he is going to get fired, has clearly given up hope and given up planning awesome dates. Brad and Britt walk down to the beach where Brad announces that there's a yacht waiting for them....they just have to swim 2 miles to get to it. Britt, the ex-gymnast, is not phased by this and jumps right in. At this moment, I actually wished that Michelle had been the one on this date as I would have loved to see her struggle through this one.
Once aboard the yacht, Britt and Brad struggle for conversation. He tells the camera that he's worried there's no sexual chemistry between them and I start to think that she really might be his cousin. The yacht pulls up to a place called Little Bay and Brad tells Britt that they are going to be cliff diving. I, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see things) just recently saw a cliff-diving internet clip on Tosh.O that did not go so well....so, as they climbed, I prepared myself to watch someone get really hurt. Brad jumped first and Britt was left all alone at the top of the cliff. Despite her shaking bones, she jumped off and managed to impress Brad, who informed the camera that he still didn't feel like kissing Britt. Bummer.
All of a sudden it's night and Brad and Britt are back on the yacht. Britt is sporting a color I think only she can pull off and Brad is looking uncomfortable. Brad confesses that he doesn't see a future with Britt and decides to break the rules for the second time in one episode! It's like the date with Alli all over again. And, just like Allie, Britt doesn't sense it coming and makes matters worse by saying that the day couldn't have gone any better.....really? That's a pretty low standard for "amazing date." Brad at least lets her finish her meal so she will have the energy to swim back to shore after he dumps her. Meanwhile, the intern is getting liquored up on the lower deck of the yacht. Britt attempts to convince Brad that if he just got to know her, he might feel differently, but Brad points out that he took a lot of heat last time for stringing girls along and he can't take that bad publicity again....his mind is made up and she's got to go.
In one last gesture of kindness, he lets her take a dinghy back to shore, but apparently does not let her take her shoes. She walks barefooted back to the house where she is excitedly greeted by Ashley and Chantal, who want to hear all about the date. Britt tells them, "I'm packing," and they try to cover their excitement with looks of concern. Britt, in what could have been an awesome move, explains that "it just wasn't there" for them, making it sound like a mutual decision. She unfortunately forgot that once the show aired we would all know the truth....but at least, in that moment, she was the coolest girl in the house.
So, in case we hadn't had our fill of awkwardness, the disgruntled intern has decided to punish everyone with the next group date, including our Bachelor. Michelle, Chantal, and Ashley are all awakened at the crack of dawn and it's clear there is not a morning-person in the bunch.
They arrive at some makeshift studio to find out that they will be participating in a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition. Chantal states she wished she had not eaten so much and then proceeds to stand in the most unflattering poses. For the first time, Ashley makes me laugh not out of embarrassment for her by discussing her lack of rack and shouting "No boobs!" Narcissitic Michelle calmly sips on her coffee and informs the camera that she's comfortable with all this because she's done "a little modeling"....let's not get ahead of ourselves - sending naked text photos of yourself to someone you met in the bar is not modeling, sweetheart.
Out of the beach, Ashley is up first and really gets into the shoot....no boobs and all. The director suggests she takes off her top and I think there's no way that the tube sock-wearing, cavity-filling dentist will go for that. Cut to the shot of her holding two sea shells in front of her chest. Not to be outdone, Chantal is next. Despite feeling insecure, Chantal decides that she just needs to go for it. She also opts to take a few shots sans top, but there's a big difference between her and Ashley....a BIG difference. Lack of boobs is not a problem for Chantal and she has some difficulty making sure that the girls are covered. Even Brad feels slightly uncomfortable.
Michelle, being the classy woman (not girl) that she is would not dream of exposing her slightly-real breasts. So, she opts for dry humping Brad on the sand. Brad admits to "getting caught up" in their passion and therefore not realizing until it was too late that it was a total d-bag thing to do in front of the two other girls. Brad already knows that the rest of the date is going to be hell.
The "pool party" portion of the date was excruciating. I don't know if it was being in a bikini or having had to watch Brad drool over other girls in various stages of nudity that did it, but all the bachelorettes' insecurities came flying out. Even Michelle looked less confident than her usual egocentric self. There were tears to be shed and several times both Chantal and Ashley questioned why they were there and asked to be sent home if Brad wasn't sure he wanted to keep them. Chantal has tried this move 3 times now and it has never brought about immediate gratification - but bless her heart, she keeps trying. Ashley, on the other hand, earned a rose from the Brad, who did it to assure her that he wanted to keep her around. Ashley and I have been on the rocks recently, but compared to the other two head cases on the date, I don't blame Brad for picking her.
One of two highlights of the date was Brad's conversation with Michelle. He informs her that he's worried they are too much alike...stubborn, strong-willed, etc. Michelle quickly tells him that she's the first to admit it when she's wrong....it's just that she's never wrong. Brad's body language throughout their conversation was very telling - he literally was turned away from her....awesome.
The other highlight was Chantal's 543rd breakdown. Again she pleaded with Brad to send her home if he wasn't sure about her. Brad, mesmerized by her knockers, tried to assure her that they were okay. But he looked exasperated and I'm sure he was secretly wishing he was back on the deserted island with Emily.
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ashley, secure because she already has a rose, has decided that there's no need to dress to impress and wears her comfortable black pajamas. Shawntal wishes the MIA intern would have given her the heads up about the wind because she would have worn a longer skirt. Emily is looking stunning, as always. Chantal looks like she on the verge of a mental breakdown.....as always. And Michelle's dress is managing to defy gravity by attaching itself to her non-moving breasts.
Rather than start the cocktail party, Chris Harrison pulls overtime and shows up early because Brad wants to speak with him. Trying not to look annoyed, Chris asks Brad what's going on. Brad informs Chris that he's made up his mind and does not need the cocktail party to make his decision. At this point I'm convinced either Chantal or Michelle is the one on the chopping. I cross my fingers and pray that it's Michelle and that he doesn't want a cocktail party because he knows that he will get "caught up" in Michelle's tentacles again. But, I've been let down before so I dare not hope too much.
Chris, still irritated that he is doing more work this episode than he has done in the entire season thus far, approaches the ladies and tells them there will be no rose ceremony. Emily is unruffled, confident that Brad will keep his word and give her a rose. Chantal almost cries for the 544th time. Michelle looks slightly nervous but then remembers that Brad is hers and that they will "make babies" together and calms down. Shawtal is still wishing that she had worn a longer skirt and Ashley is sleeping in on one of the couches, clutching her beloved rose in her hands.
The girls line up on the beach and Brad assures them that he is certain he has made the right decision. In other words, he is 100% sure he does not want to marry this next cast off. First rose goes to Emily and Brad earns bonus points with her for keeping his promise. Shawntal gets the next rose and I whoop it up Arsenial Hall-style from the couch. It's down to Chantal and Michelle....two different flavors of crazy. Chantal gets the rose and Michelle gets the boot.
In a surprise ending, we hardly hear a peep from Michelle. She tells Brad that he cannot help her up the stairs and that she doesn't want to talk about it....and that's about it. In the limo she curls up in the fetal position and floats away into a dissociative state. I sincerely think she did not like, much less love, Brad and that it was more about winning for her. I think she tried to squeeze out a few tears there at the end, but ultimately did not really care that she was kicked off....she got her TV time, made a name for herself and will milk her 15 minutes of fame. Nothing new.
Next week is the hometown dates and I think the trip to the embalmer's will sink Shawntal's ship. Ashley's family is as hyper as she is. Emily's daughter shows good instincts by being weary of this awkward man (and camera crew), and Chantal cries....again.
And I can't wait.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
It Rains in the Rainforest?....You're Kidding!
Once again, Dallas was covered with snow and ice this week, thus delaying my musings on the latest episode of the Bachelor. The leaders of Dallas' administration continue to insist on dumping piles of sand on the roads and remain confused why it's not helping. There's a reason all the northern states use salt - try it...it might work! Thankfully, I live in a state where weather is as bipolar as some of my clients and it will be in the 60's this weekend (yea!)
The one great thing about being delayed in writing is that I have heard from several of you who had your own opinions on this last episode and I'll definitely be inserting some of those here. One of the most painful observations is one that I made on episode 1, but was afraid to voice aloud for fear that it would be misinterpreted. But I now find that I'm not alone. My friend Lauren pointed out that psycho Michelle looks/sounds very much like our friend Amber. The good news (for us...and I guess for Amber as well) is that this is where the similarities end. Amber is a wonderful person with lots of friends and a huge heart. Michelle....well...not so much. Let's just say if Amber had an evil, narcissistic twin, it would be Michelle.
For this episode, ABC splurged a little a took the gals to Costa Rica. Brad arrives in the Bachelor's customary mode of transportation: a helicopter (is anyone else starting to get bored with all the helicopter rides? Seriously...it's overkill!). Next we cut to the girls traveling to Costa Rica and we see a little map that shows a plane flying from Las Vegas to Costa Rica. I initially thought it was stupid, but then quickly remembered how, when I tell people my mom is Panamanian, I am often asked, "Where's Panamania?"....so maybe a map was a good idea - I imagine Michelle saying, "Costa Rica? Yea! I've always wanted to go to Europe!"
Brad takes the bachelorettes to their villa. Along the way to Costa Rica they seem to have taken a vote and decided that nothing says "Looking for love in Latin America" more than a braid that goes across the forehead. Brad awkwardly leaves the date card and we learn that Chantal is getting the first one-on-one date in CR. Needless to say, Michelle is pissed (when is she not?), but Alli is the most angry since she has not yet had a one-on-one date and this is Chantal's second go-round. Brit is the other girl who has only been on group dates, but you know she's thinking, "I don't need a whole date to myself - just 5 minutes of making out with me has convinced him to keep me around until now."
Michelle makes another gem of a comment, stating that she wants Chantal to be attacked by apes and I feel my patience for her starting to run out. Normally, the really crazy girls stay on the show for about 4 episodes before the Bachelor cries "Uncle!" and begs the producers to let him kick her crazy butt to the curb....4 episodes should be the max...they provide entertainment, but haven't reached the point of complete obnoxiousness. Michelle, I feel, has been allowed to stay too long at the party. I'm no longer even entertained by what garbage flies out of her mouth....and if I have to hear, "He is mine!" one more time, I might give myself a black eye.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are hopping on yet another helicopter to go on their date. Brad mentions that he really likes Chantal but does not like the drama she has been bringing lately. Again, not entirely sure it's fair to single her out but let Michelle and her possee of crazies off the hook.
Speaking of Michelle, she's back at the Bachelorette pad complaining to Emily about Chantal. To give Michelle a little credit, I think she had figured out that the polite Southern belles are the ones to complain to - first she picked Ashley S and, now that Askley S is back to nannying in NYC she has picked Emily to be her therapist stand-in. Michelle complains and Emily tries her best to look like she cares even just a little bit. Michelle says she does not like Chantal because she is aggressive and egotistical....yes Michelle, those are undesirable traits.
Back on the date, Brad reveals to Chantal that they are going to be riding on the world's longest zip line and Chantal secretly wishes that the ABC intern had given her the heads up so she could have worn a sports bra. Side note: I love that Brad is showing them the superlatives of everything - the "best" mall, the "longest" zip line....feels like someone is overcompensating for something.
Then something totally bizarre happens - it starts to rain....in the rain forest....I know, I thought it was strange too! Initially I thought the water drops on Chantal's face were just her meeting her tear quota for the episode, but alas, I was wrong. Brad and Chantal both proceed to make comparisons between zip lining in the rain and being in a relationship. Some of the analogies are a stretch at best....all of the anologies are gag-worthy corny. Our Bachelor and resident cry-baby zip through the trees and bore me to death.
Next up, picnic on the beach! Chantal states that she can imagine what it's like to be with Brad every day, proving that she's never been to Austin, TX as there are no rain forest/zip line adventures to be had there. It starts to rain...again. And they are surprised...again. Brad takes Chantal's hand and leads her back to the dry safety of his hotel room (really?...that's awkward) Despite the fact that I'm sure the 5-star resort has cushy, fluffy terry cloth robes to spare, Brad whips out a random white button-down dress shirt for Chantal to put on. She obliges and steps out in nothing but the shirt. Brad, in a throw-back to junior high, gawks at her and attempts to nonchalantly pull off the old "waistband trick." After stuttering about how hot she looks (thank God he does not use Jake's favorite expression of "smokin' hot"!) he disappears into the bathroom (to do what?) and emerges with a rose. Chantal accepts and we go to commercial.
The group date was muy loco! Running out of ideas, the ABC interns decide that the women will go repelling down a waterfall. It may have been due to a lack of ideas or maybe there is one ABC intern who realized that this would send Michelle into an exorcist-ish tizzy and wanted to see if her head would spin around a few times. Most of the girls make it down without much drama, but Jackie just about wets her pants at the thought of repelling. She screams, shrieks and goes to her happy place (a Justin Beiber concert) to make it through the ordeal. Michelle complains that Jackie is overdoing the dramatics/hysterics, conveniently forgetting that she actually cried at the top of the building she and Brad repelled down. Once all the other girls are down the waterfall and Michelle and Brad are alone, she informs him for the 106th time that she is pissed at him. Doesn't he remember? They pinky swore that neither of them would repel down anything with anyone else....and what is more contractually binding than a pinky swear? Michelle then proceeds to actually hit our Bachelor, who, in an act of desperation tells her that he was planning to go down the waterfall with her the whole time....quick recovery, Brad! They repel down the waterfall in their matching tops and Michelle gloats when she reaches the bottom....because repelling down a waterfall next to another person is so meaningful, right? sheesh!
Next stop is a warm srpings where the craziness reaches a new level. Let me put it this way - Ashley H looked normal compared to the other women! Emily continues to shoot herself in the foot by explaining how she always ruins good things that come her way....kind of like she's doing right then. Good thing she is drop dead gorgeous and Brad is willing to overlook anything in the name of beauty and he vows to help her learn to open up.
Jackie, the cool-headed artist, shows her crazy side when she tells Brad that she is disappointed he did not repel down the waterfall with her. Brad is tired of hearing about everything he's doing wrong and half-heartedly apologizes. Jackie pretends that everything is fine and I am left to continue wondering what the big deal is about repelling next to someone.
Back at the resort, Alli's anti-climactic date card arrives, telling her to meet Brad at the altar. I say to myself that she can't honestly believe that this has anything to do with a wedding altar...come on - you haven't even had a one-on-one yet despite all your cleavage flashing....let's hold off on ordering your bridesmaid dresses for now.
We cut back to the disaster of a group date to find Michelle cuddling up to Brad. Michelle continues to express her disappointment in his decisions, especially his decision to give Chantal a rose. She must have been thinking that the Southern niceties shown by Emily and Ashley S would apply to him, but for the first time, we see him starting to get annoyed with her always being pissed at him. News flash Brad: This is her at her best....if you think she's crazy, psycho, drama girl now, this is just the appetizer - marry her and you'll get the entree portion. Again, Brad justifies her behavior by reminding himself that she's hot. They make out in a way that left me curled in the fetal position under the throw pillows on our couch...but, I did peak out long enough to take note that there were no fireworks when they kissed.
In a bold move, Brad decides to not hand out a rose and the women are quickly reminded that this is Brad Womack - he doesn't need to pick anyone and could send them all home. He's done it before....don't make him do it again.
As if we couldn't predict it, the one-on-one date with Alli was the epitome of awkward. This is why people meet for short dates (coffee, a few drinks, appetizers) first before going on longer dates - if it sucks, you only have to endure it for an hour or so. Poor Brad probably knew 5 minutes into the date that Alli was heading home. Sadly enough, Alli was not aware of this fact and kept telling the camera how awesome their date was going! We could tell that he wasn't that into her because instead of treating her to the Bachelor Special (a.k.a.: helicopter), he picked her up on a dinky horse with two baby horses trailing behind.
They arrived at a cave and I expected Mr. Overcompensation to say, "This is the oldest cave in history," but he settled for telling her that the cave was 40 million years old. They walked through the cave, complete with bats and other creepy-crawlies, and arrived at a stone fixture known to the locals as "the altar." They had a boring conversation before freshening up for dinner.
There's nothing worse than being in an overly-romantic setting with someone with whom you have absolutely no romantic chemistry. Again I found myself under the throw pillows. Brad tried to have deep meaningful conversation, but Alli was content to tell him that she is not impressed with big cities or the people who live in them....and we start to realize that her foot-in-the-mouth from last episode may be a chronic condition. The date is sinking fast.....no literally - their table is sinking into the pond so Brad decides to try one last effort to strike up some chemistry with Alli. He asks about her last relationship and she waxes on about how he was such a great guy, but she could not picture herself marrying him....at which point everyone at home knows what's coming up. Alli has handed Brad the perfect segue to get them out of this sinking mess and out of their misery. In the most uncomfortable scene to date, Brad likens their current situation to her situation with her last boyfriend - both are great people, just not right for one another. Blinded by love, Alli says she understands and that she could spend all day, every day with him. Brad has to get more concrete and basically tells her that he is not in love with her. Alli is stunned - According to her theory, she must not have had a good enough sob story to stay....I'm thinking it was more like karma biting her in her oversized caboose. Either way, her and her luggage will not make it to the next destination.
Brad goes back to his bungalow to destress when there's a knock at the door. Thinking it's Lupita with his room service, he opens to door only to find that Michelle is there. He seems surprised....I'm super annoyed because I'm so tired of her at this point. Michelle lies and says she wants to make sure he's okay after sending Alli home. She tells him he made a good decision. He jokingly asks if there are any other decisions she thinks he needs to make....and she does not pick up on the fact that he's joking. Michelle proceeds to tell him the order he needs to kick the other girls off. Masochistic Brad seems slightly amused, but also slightly annoyed. Michelle hints that she has knowledge about the other girls, but then quickly notes that she is not going to share this knowledge because she's a classy girl. She again tells him who he needs to vote off and then tells him that it's his decision to make. She leaves him confused and I scream at the TV, "Just boot her off already!!!"
Rose Ceremony: Brad comes in looking a little defeated. I think he's starting to see the girls for who they really are and he's imaging the flack he's going to catch when he doesn't pick someone this season either. He also mentions that someone has been giving him grief over not handing out a rose on the group date. He and Emily have the first alone time and our Southern belle is on her game - she apologizes for her not so flattering self-disclosure in the hot springs and they stare at each other for a long time.
Meanwhile, Chantal has morphed into Nacy Drew and has deduced that someone must have gone to see Brad after the group date, but before the rose ceremony. I have flashbacks to wrestler Justin (Rated-R) from Ali's season crutching his way up to her home and wonder why no one learns from previous seasons. The girls start discussing who could have possibly done that....and Michelle is conveniently absent.
We then see Brad and Michelle talking. Brad is sitting up a little taller because he finally has his spine back. He asks Michelle how she can be so sure the other girls are not for him when she doesn't really even know him that well. Michelle proceeds to make up events from a date that none of us saw and even Brad looks confused. Remembering that Brad cannot handle a woman in tears, Michelle starts to cry and Brad immediately comforts her. I start to have hope that he's at the end of his rope with her.
Michelle arrives back at the pow wow and Chantal asks her in a round-about way if she said anything to Brad about not handing out a rose on the group date. Michelle admits to giving him the stink-eye and maybe flashing a gang sign or two, but that's all. The group doesn't buy it and Michelle admits to going to see him....an announcement that is not met with happy faces.
Meanwhile Shawtal has decided that she's had enough of talk about emotions - she's used to working with people who don't have emotions...heck, they don't even have pulses! So she suggests they play the silent game. Be boring an detatched? Brad has been training for this his whole life. Shawtal breaks up the silence by making out with him and I'm saddened by the fact that, once again, she has to initiate the kissing. Once Brad wins, however, he goes in for the kiss...I'm assuming it's so he doesn't have to talk about emotions either.
Realizing that Michelle spent alone time with Brad, Chantal decides she needs to lay it all on the table. She tells Brad she loves him, noting that she has nothing to gain by telling him that since she has a rose and can't be eliminated (Lord how I wish you could de-rose people - that would make the game even better!). Brad asks her how she knows this and thanks her for being genuine.
At the rose ceremony, we say adios to Jackie, who secretly is happy to be sent home in time for the premier of Beiber's movie Never Say Never. Michelle gets the last rose and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's pissed he made her wait so long.
Next week, they're off to Anguilla and I think Brit finally gets a one-on-one date. Chantal tries the "If you don't love me, send me home" tactic for the 12th time (and I wish he would finally say, "then go home!") and I'm sure Michelle will say something that makes me want to hit the mute button when I see her on the screen....she's awesome like that!
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to go braid my bangs.
The one great thing about being delayed in writing is that I have heard from several of you who had your own opinions on this last episode and I'll definitely be inserting some of those here. One of the most painful observations is one that I made on episode 1, but was afraid to voice aloud for fear that it would be misinterpreted. But I now find that I'm not alone. My friend Lauren pointed out that psycho Michelle looks/sounds very much like our friend Amber. The good news (for us...and I guess for Amber as well) is that this is where the similarities end. Amber is a wonderful person with lots of friends and a huge heart. Michelle....well...not so much. Let's just say if Amber had an evil, narcissistic twin, it would be Michelle.
For this episode, ABC splurged a little a took the gals to Costa Rica. Brad arrives in the Bachelor's customary mode of transportation: a helicopter (is anyone else starting to get bored with all the helicopter rides? Seriously...it's overkill!). Next we cut to the girls traveling to Costa Rica and we see a little map that shows a plane flying from Las Vegas to Costa Rica. I initially thought it was stupid, but then quickly remembered how, when I tell people my mom is Panamanian, I am often asked, "Where's Panamania?"....so maybe a map was a good idea - I imagine Michelle saying, "Costa Rica? Yea! I've always wanted to go to Europe!"
Brad takes the bachelorettes to their villa. Along the way to Costa Rica they seem to have taken a vote and decided that nothing says "Looking for love in Latin America" more than a braid that goes across the forehead. Brad awkwardly leaves the date card and we learn that Chantal is getting the first one-on-one date in CR. Needless to say, Michelle is pissed (when is she not?), but Alli is the most angry since she has not yet had a one-on-one date and this is Chantal's second go-round. Brit is the other girl who has only been on group dates, but you know she's thinking, "I don't need a whole date to myself - just 5 minutes of making out with me has convinced him to keep me around until now."
Michelle makes another gem of a comment, stating that she wants Chantal to be attacked by apes and I feel my patience for her starting to run out. Normally, the really crazy girls stay on the show for about 4 episodes before the Bachelor cries "Uncle!" and begs the producers to let him kick her crazy butt to the curb....4 episodes should be the max...they provide entertainment, but haven't reached the point of complete obnoxiousness. Michelle, I feel, has been allowed to stay too long at the party. I'm no longer even entertained by what garbage flies out of her mouth....and if I have to hear, "He is mine!" one more time, I might give myself a black eye.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are hopping on yet another helicopter to go on their date. Brad mentions that he really likes Chantal but does not like the drama she has been bringing lately. Again, not entirely sure it's fair to single her out but let Michelle and her possee of crazies off the hook.
Speaking of Michelle, she's back at the Bachelorette pad complaining to Emily about Chantal. To give Michelle a little credit, I think she had figured out that the polite Southern belles are the ones to complain to - first she picked Ashley S and, now that Askley S is back to nannying in NYC she has picked Emily to be her therapist stand-in. Michelle complains and Emily tries her best to look like she cares even just a little bit. Michelle says she does not like Chantal because she is aggressive and egotistical....yes Michelle, those are undesirable traits.
Back on the date, Brad reveals to Chantal that they are going to be riding on the world's longest zip line and Chantal secretly wishes that the ABC intern had given her the heads up so she could have worn a sports bra. Side note: I love that Brad is showing them the superlatives of everything - the "best" mall, the "longest" zip line....feels like someone is overcompensating for something.
Then something totally bizarre happens - it starts to rain....in the rain forest....I know, I thought it was strange too! Initially I thought the water drops on Chantal's face were just her meeting her tear quota for the episode, but alas, I was wrong. Brad and Chantal both proceed to make comparisons between zip lining in the rain and being in a relationship. Some of the analogies are a stretch at best....all of the anologies are gag-worthy corny. Our Bachelor and resident cry-baby zip through the trees and bore me to death.
Next up, picnic on the beach! Chantal states that she can imagine what it's like to be with Brad every day, proving that she's never been to Austin, TX as there are no rain forest/zip line adventures to be had there. It starts to rain...again. And they are surprised...again. Brad takes Chantal's hand and leads her back to the dry safety of his hotel room (really?...that's awkward) Despite the fact that I'm sure the 5-star resort has cushy, fluffy terry cloth robes to spare, Brad whips out a random white button-down dress shirt for Chantal to put on. She obliges and steps out in nothing but the shirt. Brad, in a throw-back to junior high, gawks at her and attempts to nonchalantly pull off the old "waistband trick." After stuttering about how hot she looks (thank God he does not use Jake's favorite expression of "smokin' hot"!) he disappears into the bathroom (to do what?) and emerges with a rose. Chantal accepts and we go to commercial.
The group date was muy loco! Running out of ideas, the ABC interns decide that the women will go repelling down a waterfall. It may have been due to a lack of ideas or maybe there is one ABC intern who realized that this would send Michelle into an exorcist-ish tizzy and wanted to see if her head would spin around a few times. Most of the girls make it down without much drama, but Jackie just about wets her pants at the thought of repelling. She screams, shrieks and goes to her happy place (a Justin Beiber concert) to make it through the ordeal. Michelle complains that Jackie is overdoing the dramatics/hysterics, conveniently forgetting that she actually cried at the top of the building she and Brad repelled down. Once all the other girls are down the waterfall and Michelle and Brad are alone, she informs him for the 106th time that she is pissed at him. Doesn't he remember? They pinky swore that neither of them would repel down anything with anyone else....and what is more contractually binding than a pinky swear? Michelle then proceeds to actually hit our Bachelor, who, in an act of desperation tells her that he was planning to go down the waterfall with her the whole time....quick recovery, Brad! They repel down the waterfall in their matching tops and Michelle gloats when she reaches the bottom....because repelling down a waterfall next to another person is so meaningful, right? sheesh!
Next stop is a warm srpings where the craziness reaches a new level. Let me put it this way - Ashley H looked normal compared to the other women! Emily continues to shoot herself in the foot by explaining how she always ruins good things that come her way....kind of like she's doing right then. Good thing she is drop dead gorgeous and Brad is willing to overlook anything in the name of beauty and he vows to help her learn to open up.
Jackie, the cool-headed artist, shows her crazy side when she tells Brad that she is disappointed he did not repel down the waterfall with her. Brad is tired of hearing about everything he's doing wrong and half-heartedly apologizes. Jackie pretends that everything is fine and I am left to continue wondering what the big deal is about repelling next to someone.
Back at the resort, Alli's anti-climactic date card arrives, telling her to meet Brad at the altar. I say to myself that she can't honestly believe that this has anything to do with a wedding altar...come on - you haven't even had a one-on-one yet despite all your cleavage flashing....let's hold off on ordering your bridesmaid dresses for now.
We cut back to the disaster of a group date to find Michelle cuddling up to Brad. Michelle continues to express her disappointment in his decisions, especially his decision to give Chantal a rose. She must have been thinking that the Southern niceties shown by Emily and Ashley S would apply to him, but for the first time, we see him starting to get annoyed with her always being pissed at him. News flash Brad: This is her at her best....if you think she's crazy, psycho, drama girl now, this is just the appetizer - marry her and you'll get the entree portion. Again, Brad justifies her behavior by reminding himself that she's hot. They make out in a way that left me curled in the fetal position under the throw pillows on our couch...but, I did peak out long enough to take note that there were no fireworks when they kissed.
In a bold move, Brad decides to not hand out a rose and the women are quickly reminded that this is Brad Womack - he doesn't need to pick anyone and could send them all home. He's done it before....don't make him do it again.
As if we couldn't predict it, the one-on-one date with Alli was the epitome of awkward. This is why people meet for short dates (coffee, a few drinks, appetizers) first before going on longer dates - if it sucks, you only have to endure it for an hour or so. Poor Brad probably knew 5 minutes into the date that Alli was heading home. Sadly enough, Alli was not aware of this fact and kept telling the camera how awesome their date was going! We could tell that he wasn't that into her because instead of treating her to the Bachelor Special (a.k.a.: helicopter), he picked her up on a dinky horse with two baby horses trailing behind.
They arrived at a cave and I expected Mr. Overcompensation to say, "This is the oldest cave in history," but he settled for telling her that the cave was 40 million years old. They walked through the cave, complete with bats and other creepy-crawlies, and arrived at a stone fixture known to the locals as "the altar." They had a boring conversation before freshening up for dinner.
There's nothing worse than being in an overly-romantic setting with someone with whom you have absolutely no romantic chemistry. Again I found myself under the throw pillows. Brad tried to have deep meaningful conversation, but Alli was content to tell him that she is not impressed with big cities or the people who live in them....and we start to realize that her foot-in-the-mouth from last episode may be a chronic condition. The date is sinking fast.....no literally - their table is sinking into the pond so Brad decides to try one last effort to strike up some chemistry with Alli. He asks about her last relationship and she waxes on about how he was such a great guy, but she could not picture herself marrying him....at which point everyone at home knows what's coming up. Alli has handed Brad the perfect segue to get them out of this sinking mess and out of their misery. In the most uncomfortable scene to date, Brad likens their current situation to her situation with her last boyfriend - both are great people, just not right for one another. Blinded by love, Alli says she understands and that she could spend all day, every day with him. Brad has to get more concrete and basically tells her that he is not in love with her. Alli is stunned - According to her theory, she must not have had a good enough sob story to stay....I'm thinking it was more like karma biting her in her oversized caboose. Either way, her and her luggage will not make it to the next destination.
Brad goes back to his bungalow to destress when there's a knock at the door. Thinking it's Lupita with his room service, he opens to door only to find that Michelle is there. He seems surprised....I'm super annoyed because I'm so tired of her at this point. Michelle lies and says she wants to make sure he's okay after sending Alli home. She tells him he made a good decision. He jokingly asks if there are any other decisions she thinks he needs to make....and she does not pick up on the fact that he's joking. Michelle proceeds to tell him the order he needs to kick the other girls off. Masochistic Brad seems slightly amused, but also slightly annoyed. Michelle hints that she has knowledge about the other girls, but then quickly notes that she is not going to share this knowledge because she's a classy girl. She again tells him who he needs to vote off and then tells him that it's his decision to make. She leaves him confused and I scream at the TV, "Just boot her off already!!!"
Rose Ceremony: Brad comes in looking a little defeated. I think he's starting to see the girls for who they really are and he's imaging the flack he's going to catch when he doesn't pick someone this season either. He also mentions that someone has been giving him grief over not handing out a rose on the group date. He and Emily have the first alone time and our Southern belle is on her game - she apologizes for her not so flattering self-disclosure in the hot springs and they stare at each other for a long time.
Meanwhile, Chantal has morphed into Nacy Drew and has deduced that someone must have gone to see Brad after the group date, but before the rose ceremony. I have flashbacks to wrestler Justin (Rated-R) from Ali's season crutching his way up to her home and wonder why no one learns from previous seasons. The girls start discussing who could have possibly done that....and Michelle is conveniently absent.
We then see Brad and Michelle talking. Brad is sitting up a little taller because he finally has his spine back. He asks Michelle how she can be so sure the other girls are not for him when she doesn't really even know him that well. Michelle proceeds to make up events from a date that none of us saw and even Brad looks confused. Remembering that Brad cannot handle a woman in tears, Michelle starts to cry and Brad immediately comforts her. I start to have hope that he's at the end of his rope with her.
Michelle arrives back at the pow wow and Chantal asks her in a round-about way if she said anything to Brad about not handing out a rose on the group date. Michelle admits to giving him the stink-eye and maybe flashing a gang sign or two, but that's all. The group doesn't buy it and Michelle admits to going to see him....an announcement that is not met with happy faces.
Meanwhile Shawtal has decided that she's had enough of talk about emotions - she's used to working with people who don't have emotions...heck, they don't even have pulses! So she suggests they play the silent game. Be boring an detatched? Brad has been training for this his whole life. Shawtal breaks up the silence by making out with him and I'm saddened by the fact that, once again, she has to initiate the kissing. Once Brad wins, however, he goes in for the kiss...I'm assuming it's so he doesn't have to talk about emotions either.
Realizing that Michelle spent alone time with Brad, Chantal decides she needs to lay it all on the table. She tells Brad she loves him, noting that she has nothing to gain by telling him that since she has a rose and can't be eliminated (Lord how I wish you could de-rose people - that would make the game even better!). Brad asks her how she knows this and thanks her for being genuine.
At the rose ceremony, we say adios to Jackie, who secretly is happy to be sent home in time for the premier of Beiber's movie Never Say Never. Michelle gets the last rose and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's pissed he made her wait so long.
Next week, they're off to Anguilla and I think Brit finally gets a one-on-one date. Chantal tries the "If you don't love me, send me home" tactic for the 12th time (and I wish he would finally say, "then go home!") and I'm sure Michelle will say something that makes me want to hit the mute button when I see her on the screen....she's awesome like that!
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to go braid my bangs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
It's Vegas - All Bets Are Off!
Between battling the icy roads and the lovely respiratory infection brought on by the not-so-subtle 50-degree temperature swing, I have fallen behind on my Bachelor musings....or we can look at it as me having more time to process the blatant pathology of the contestants....let's go with the latter.
As I mentioned before, I love Chris Harrison....however, I do not love his wardrobe consultant. The blue button-up was fine until I got to the cuffs...which possibly had either flowers or butterflies on them (or both!). Horrified, I almost fast-forwarded, but then remembered that Chris was going to tell the girls that they were hitting the road. When he announces that they are all heading to Vegas, everyone (including stink-eye, Michelle) shrieks with delight. Again, this is where I would fail miserably on the show...don't get me wrong, I love Vegas... but last season Ali and the guys got to go to ridiculously awesome places like Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal....as a contestant, I would have been the Debbie Downer to point that out....we got hosed gals, we got hosed.
But the girls are super excited. Just when I think that the producers are going to go super low-budget on this season, I say, "They can redeem themselves if, and only if, they put them up at Aria." Next scene = redemption. Aria is disgustingly beautiful and this Vegas trip, while still a less impressive version of Ali's season, is starting to look better.
Brad takes the girls up to their new home (for the next 48 hours at least) and the squealing continues. Excited is one thing....screaming like a 13-year-old at the Justin Beiber concert is another thing....I'm starting to worry about out these bachelorettes (cringe). Before leaving, Brad does an awkward hand-off of the datecard. Really, everything he does is awkward so I don't know why I'm surprised, but I guess I keep holding out hope that "cool, calm, suave Brad" will show up one day. But that day isn't today. Marissa reads the card (and gets a ton of air time this episode....a sure sign she's heading home) and Shawntal is the chosen one for the one-on-one date.
Shawtal is one of my favorites so she gets a pass for wearing super-short white shorts on her date. They go to a mall and she gushes over how nice it is. As Brad informs her that it is one of the nicest malls in the world, I can't help but think of one of my favorite lines from Napoleon Dynamite: "Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon." Seriously Brad, no need show off. Brad then tells Shawntal that he is taking her on a shopping spree. Nothing like wooing a gal with money that's not yours. Shawtal compares this mall to the strip malls back in Chico and decides that this is like Pretty Woman....again, these girls need a little Pretty Woman refresher course to understand that every time they make that comparison, they're likening themselves to a prostitute.
After many gratuitous, but obligatory, brand label shots later, Shawtal loads up her arms with the bags and heads back to the hotel. I loved her even more when she recognized how uncomfortable it will be to show her purchases to the other girls....and it was. The other girls looked so jealous/disgusted and I loved every minute of it. Michelle looked like she was going to give herself another black eye as she gawked over the $5,000 purse Shawntal bought....I chuckled to myself.
Brad arrives to pick Shawntal up for the date and the girls stare ravenously at him, only taking their eyes off him for a microsecond in order to check out Shawntal's new shoes and mentally plan which items of hers they can steal while she's out on her date. On the rooftop of Aria, a table is set for two and I quickly note that Shawntal is now wearing flip flops and not her 4+-inch heels...and again, I love her more for her practicality.
The date is kind of slowly chugging along until Shawntal decides to confess to Brad about her profession. He initially looks totally stoked about it, but then again, he has tremendous difficulty matching his facial expressions to his emotions. As she talks about the process of embalming, he asks questions and insists he is interested, but then goes on to say that he is going to pass on the meat course of the meal, thank you very much. Shawntal notifies him that she is not a sissy and is going to keep eating (love her!). I firmly believe that if you were not already a Shawntal fan, you must have been converted during their dinner....she was hilarious and genuine and appeared intelligent and mature....a rare combo for this season. Plus, she did an impression of a cross-eyed cat named Peaches, which had me laughing out loud. Despite the unsavory dinner conversation topic, Brad gives her the rose and I am happy. They kiss and finally, we get the fireworks that Michelle has been telling us about. The girls all run to the windows and Michelle is immediately pissed because she knows that fireworks = kissing and this is like the Bachelor's Bat Signal letting the girls know that he and Shawtal are lip-locked.
Again, I'm happy....but only for a moment. As noted in previous episodes, Brad does not seem really excited to kiss Shawntal....she always makes the first move and he gives her the tight-lipped, eyes-squeezed-shut kiss. I fear she is this year's Tenley. As my father so astutely pointed out to me when he tried to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me when I was 30, "When you get married, there has to be chemistry beyond friendship....husbands and wives have to take their clothes off - kids don't come from lettuce patches, you know.".....I remember that verbatim because it is forever seared into my mind as the most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard....and I'm a psychologist.
The group date card arrives and there are still too many girls for me to mentally check them off and deduce on my own who has the dreaded 2-on-1 date. But the shocked faces of the Ashleys tell me everything. They talk about how they are such good friends and I'm confused, but quickly assume that their alliance is laying on the editing room floor somewhere. They cry and Ashley S says that if Ashley H goes home because of her, she'd never forgive herself....Ashley H says nothing of the sort.
But before we go on the 2-on-1, we have to get through the most sadistic group date ever. It's a NASCAR date and Emily, whose fiance died in a plane crash on his way to a NASCAR race, is none too thrilled. However, I thought she did a great job of appearing calm and composed. But, a producer whispers to Brad that he should pull her aside to see if everything is okay. Brad, who is oblivious to all emotions (including his own) obliges....he has to - it's in his contract. They sit down and she goes further into the story and he states he feels like a jerk. Finally, he gets it right. She insists that this will be good for her and Brad asks if she wants him to have Dr. Jamie on hold in case of an emergency. Emily makes it around and talks about how the first few laps are for Ricky and how the last laps are for her to let things go. If she doesn't win, meet your new Bachelorette.
At yet another rooftop party with a pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again...and Alli has had it. She decides to throw all decorum and moral goodness to the side and boldly states that, although she understands that Emily had a rough day (hello understatement!), she is sick and tired of the girls with the best "sob stories" getting all the attention. Remember, Alli has her own sob story - her ex couldn't handle all her "junk in the trunk"....or maybe it was her complete lack of empathy...hard to tell. The tension after that comment was tangible....even psycho Michelle looked shocked....or maybe she was glad someone else said it.
Cut to Brad and Emily talking. Brad starts to give her the "you're not ready for love yet" speech and we finally see some spice come from our Southern belle! She politely (of course) informs him that her life is what it is - she can't change the past - and that she's tired of men not being able to handle her life. The producers frantically wave signals at Brad letting him know that he is coming across as a complete jackhole so he quickly backpedals and states that he is fine with her past and just wanted to check in with her.....riiiiiiiight.
After pulling his foot from his mouth, Brad returns to a number of women who are "not feeling special." Alli is hurt and Brad fights back the urge to tell her that he is just keeping her around because she is a reliable source of cleavage. Chantal again tells him how hard it is to not feel special and Brad gets frustrated. Chantal "accidently" drops the L-word but then takes it back. Brad looks amused and I think is half-surprised that any woman could actually fall in love with him. Chantal when goes on to say the cliche Bachelor line of "If you don't feel the same way I do, send me home." How much ego stroking do these empty vessels need? Seriously, every week he tells you he likes you and makes one-on-one time for you and every week you are a neurotic mess. I'm trying to like her but it's not going well.
Michelle and Brad make out behind a curtain and Emily gets the date rose. Chantal moans that it was like watching Brad and Emily on a date all night....awkward.
Speaking of awkward....welcome to the 2-on-1 date. In keeping with this season's theme of "Let's Rip Off Ali's Season...But Make It Less Awesome" the girls are going to audition for an Elvis revue. In addition to learning who you are compatible with by scaling a building together, someone on the ABC staff has decided that in order to pick your perfect mate, you must first see whether you can swing from hidden wires together in a choreographed fashion....because if you can't, you might as well sign the divorce papers now. I somehow feel this date is set up for Ashley S to lose....remember Ashley H's initial video of her dancing in her tube socks....she's been training her whole life for this moment. Ashley S informs the camera that she will be fighting inner demons...but then doesn't tell us what they are.
After rehearsal, the girls get back into their dresses and sit down to dinner. They must have been running late because Brad cut right to the chase and informed Ashley S. that she will make an amazing wife someday....for someone else. He hands the rose to Ashley H who proceeds to use it to kiss good-bye to her supposedly BFF. I don't know about you, but she she looked more victorious than sad to me. I have to admit that I was shocked....until I remembered Brad's obvious penchant for crazy women. Ashley H has shown him her brand of crazy and he loves it. The rest of the date is super lame and we see them flying through the show looking ungraceful doing even the most simple choreography. My favorite part was when the burly intern comes to get the luggage....again, this is why I'm not on the show - they would have had to edit out the part of me going Latin Assassin on that intern since I would have been convinced that he was a robber/murderer. They need to pay their interns more - this guy looked like a random person pulled off The Strip.
My least favorite part was Ashley S.'s exit interview. I must be softening in my old age because I felt terrible for her. She sounds like a serial monogamist who keeps making it to the final round of dating, only to be told she's not The One. She talked about how tough this past year has been, etc and I just sat there feeling bad for her. We've all been there and it sucks. It especially sucks when it's on national TV and you have to walk and anguished mile and a half to the limo while people stare at you (knowing you had just gotten cut) and the background music is "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and the producers cut to shots of your crush and the girl he chose over you having a great time.....it just makes it a smidge worse.
Never one to miss out on a therapy appointment, Brad phones Dr. Jamie for their chat. Brad basically states that all the women are falling all over themselve to get to him and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....he can't help it that he's just that awesome. Being the incredible therapist he is, Dr. Jamie tells Brad to look out for numero uno and to let the women fend for themselves. He tells Brad to keep his eye on the mission and I get the inkling that Dr. Jamie may be confused about which of his patients he is talking to (it happens). Brad hangs up the phone feeling better for some reason I still can't figure out.
At the rose ceremony, Brad pulls Chantal aside because he is concerned about her recent drama. I'm still not a Chantal fan, but I felt it was a little unfair to single her out for drama....that's be like singling a Hooters waitress for having fake boobs or an orange tan....if you call out one person, you have to call them all out, Brad. They make up and Chantal scoots away from the camera quickly so that Raichel, now watching from home, will not see that she stole one of Raichel's dresses before the manscaper got the boot.
Next, an intern hands Brad a little cake and reminds him that he is supposed to give it to Alli (and then points out who Alli is). The intern also tells Brad that if he wants to look extra smooth, he should mention that the green on the cake is like the green dress she shimmied in front of his face on the first night. He follows the intern's advice and she eats it up.....the lines, not the cake (although she may have eaten the cake....I sure would have!).
In a bold move, Marissa pulls Brad into the bedroom and then babbles on about texts and notes. I have no idea what she is talking about when she shoves him a pile of papers. Marissa, sweetheart - you're an attractive, female, sports analyst....that's the foot you should have led with....not nervous, never-seen/never-heard, 5th grade note writer.
Michelle, who has been somewhat subdued (relative to previous episodes) takes Brad to the bedroom and tells him his time to talk is over. He tries to hide his excitement and she informs him that none of the other girls are right for him and that she recognizes what a good man he is. He tries to speak and she internally wishes that she had packed her whip. Instead she tells him to be quiet and go send some girls home. Sicko Brad is totally turned on and I'm left feeling so uncomfortable I can barely stand it. Michelle went for hot, but it came off as pathetic....truly pathetic. I wonder if she has any idea how many people felt bad for her after that scene....but more importantly, I guess, is that I wonder if she would even care.
In a complete non-shocker of a rose ceremony, Marissa and Lisa (Dorothy from Kansas) are sent home. Chantal receives the last rose of the night, which she takes as meaning she is on thin ice with Brad. Most people would reel it in after such a warning, but I have high hopes for Chantal and they involve her crying on each of her remaining episodes.
My favorite part of the whole night was explaining to Daniel how awful Michelle is and making him watch the dominatrix/bedroom scene. In true guy form, Daniel laughs and says, "I bet the father of her child is watching this, drinking a beer with his buddies saying, "I know she's hot, but see? She's crazy....y'all didn't believe me, but she's crazy." I almost peed myself laughing.
Next week, Brad appears to lose a little of his patience and we hold our breath in hopes that Michelle gets the boot!
As I mentioned before, I love Chris Harrison....however, I do not love his wardrobe consultant. The blue button-up was fine until I got to the cuffs...which possibly had either flowers or butterflies on them (or both!). Horrified, I almost fast-forwarded, but then remembered that Chris was going to tell the girls that they were hitting the road. When he announces that they are all heading to Vegas, everyone (including stink-eye, Michelle) shrieks with delight. Again, this is where I would fail miserably on the show...don't get me wrong, I love Vegas... but last season Ali and the guys got to go to ridiculously awesome places like Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal....as a contestant, I would have been the Debbie Downer to point that out....we got hosed gals, we got hosed.
But the girls are super excited. Just when I think that the producers are going to go super low-budget on this season, I say, "They can redeem themselves if, and only if, they put them up at Aria." Next scene = redemption. Aria is disgustingly beautiful and this Vegas trip, while still a less impressive version of Ali's season, is starting to look better.
Brad takes the girls up to their new home (for the next 48 hours at least) and the squealing continues. Excited is one thing....screaming like a 13-year-old at the Justin Beiber concert is another thing....I'm starting to worry about out these bachelorettes (cringe). Before leaving, Brad does an awkward hand-off of the datecard. Really, everything he does is awkward so I don't know why I'm surprised, but I guess I keep holding out hope that "cool, calm, suave Brad" will show up one day. But that day isn't today. Marissa reads the card (and gets a ton of air time this episode....a sure sign she's heading home) and Shawntal is the chosen one for the one-on-one date.
Shawtal is one of my favorites so she gets a pass for wearing super-short white shorts on her date. They go to a mall and she gushes over how nice it is. As Brad informs her that it is one of the nicest malls in the world, I can't help but think of one of my favorite lines from Napoleon Dynamite: "Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon." Seriously Brad, no need show off. Brad then tells Shawntal that he is taking her on a shopping spree. Nothing like wooing a gal with money that's not yours. Shawtal compares this mall to the strip malls back in Chico and decides that this is like Pretty Woman....again, these girls need a little Pretty Woman refresher course to understand that every time they make that comparison, they're likening themselves to a prostitute.
After many gratuitous, but obligatory, brand label shots later, Shawtal loads up her arms with the bags and heads back to the hotel. I loved her even more when she recognized how uncomfortable it will be to show her purchases to the other girls....and it was. The other girls looked so jealous/disgusted and I loved every minute of it. Michelle looked like she was going to give herself another black eye as she gawked over the $5,000 purse Shawntal bought....I chuckled to myself.
Brad arrives to pick Shawntal up for the date and the girls stare ravenously at him, only taking their eyes off him for a microsecond in order to check out Shawntal's new shoes and mentally plan which items of hers they can steal while she's out on her date. On the rooftop of Aria, a table is set for two and I quickly note that Shawntal is now wearing flip flops and not her 4+-inch heels...and again, I love her more for her practicality.
The date is kind of slowly chugging along until Shawntal decides to confess to Brad about her profession. He initially looks totally stoked about it, but then again, he has tremendous difficulty matching his facial expressions to his emotions. As she talks about the process of embalming, he asks questions and insists he is interested, but then goes on to say that he is going to pass on the meat course of the meal, thank you very much. Shawntal notifies him that she is not a sissy and is going to keep eating (love her!). I firmly believe that if you were not already a Shawntal fan, you must have been converted during their dinner....she was hilarious and genuine and appeared intelligent and mature....a rare combo for this season. Plus, she did an impression of a cross-eyed cat named Peaches, which had me laughing out loud. Despite the unsavory dinner conversation topic, Brad gives her the rose and I am happy. They kiss and finally, we get the fireworks that Michelle has been telling us about. The girls all run to the windows and Michelle is immediately pissed because she knows that fireworks = kissing and this is like the Bachelor's Bat Signal letting the girls know that he and Shawtal are lip-locked.
Again, I'm happy....but only for a moment. As noted in previous episodes, Brad does not seem really excited to kiss Shawntal....she always makes the first move and he gives her the tight-lipped, eyes-squeezed-shut kiss. I fear she is this year's Tenley. As my father so astutely pointed out to me when he tried to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me when I was 30, "When you get married, there has to be chemistry beyond friendship....husbands and wives have to take their clothes off - kids don't come from lettuce patches, you know.".....I remember that verbatim because it is forever seared into my mind as the most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard....and I'm a psychologist.
The group date card arrives and there are still too many girls for me to mentally check them off and deduce on my own who has the dreaded 2-on-1 date. But the shocked faces of the Ashleys tell me everything. They talk about how they are such good friends and I'm confused, but quickly assume that their alliance is laying on the editing room floor somewhere. They cry and Ashley S says that if Ashley H goes home because of her, she'd never forgive herself....Ashley H says nothing of the sort.
But before we go on the 2-on-1, we have to get through the most sadistic group date ever. It's a NASCAR date and Emily, whose fiance died in a plane crash on his way to a NASCAR race, is none too thrilled. However, I thought she did a great job of appearing calm and composed. But, a producer whispers to Brad that he should pull her aside to see if everything is okay. Brad, who is oblivious to all emotions (including his own) obliges....he has to - it's in his contract. They sit down and she goes further into the story and he states he feels like a jerk. Finally, he gets it right. She insists that this will be good for her and Brad asks if she wants him to have Dr. Jamie on hold in case of an emergency. Emily makes it around and talks about how the first few laps are for Ricky and how the last laps are for her to let things go. If she doesn't win, meet your new Bachelorette.
At yet another rooftop party with a pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again...and Alli has had it. She decides to throw all decorum and moral goodness to the side and boldly states that, although she understands that Emily had a rough day (hello understatement!), she is sick and tired of the girls with the best "sob stories" getting all the attention. Remember, Alli has her own sob story - her ex couldn't handle all her "junk in the trunk"....or maybe it was her complete lack of empathy...hard to tell. The tension after that comment was tangible....even psycho Michelle looked shocked....or maybe she was glad someone else said it.
Cut to Brad and Emily talking. Brad starts to give her the "you're not ready for love yet" speech and we finally see some spice come from our Southern belle! She politely (of course) informs him that her life is what it is - she can't change the past - and that she's tired of men not being able to handle her life. The producers frantically wave signals at Brad letting him know that he is coming across as a complete jackhole so he quickly backpedals and states that he is fine with her past and just wanted to check in with her.....riiiiiiiight.
After pulling his foot from his mouth, Brad returns to a number of women who are "not feeling special." Alli is hurt and Brad fights back the urge to tell her that he is just keeping her around because she is a reliable source of cleavage. Chantal again tells him how hard it is to not feel special and Brad gets frustrated. Chantal "accidently" drops the L-word but then takes it back. Brad looks amused and I think is half-surprised that any woman could actually fall in love with him. Chantal when goes on to say the cliche Bachelor line of "If you don't feel the same way I do, send me home." How much ego stroking do these empty vessels need? Seriously, every week he tells you he likes you and makes one-on-one time for you and every week you are a neurotic mess. I'm trying to like her but it's not going well.
Michelle and Brad make out behind a curtain and Emily gets the date rose. Chantal moans that it was like watching Brad and Emily on a date all night....awkward.
Speaking of awkward....welcome to the 2-on-1 date. In keeping with this season's theme of "Let's Rip Off Ali's Season...But Make It Less Awesome" the girls are going to audition for an Elvis revue. In addition to learning who you are compatible with by scaling a building together, someone on the ABC staff has decided that in order to pick your perfect mate, you must first see whether you can swing from hidden wires together in a choreographed fashion....because if you can't, you might as well sign the divorce papers now. I somehow feel this date is set up for Ashley S to lose....remember Ashley H's initial video of her dancing in her tube socks....she's been training her whole life for this moment. Ashley S informs the camera that she will be fighting inner demons...but then doesn't tell us what they are.
After rehearsal, the girls get back into their dresses and sit down to dinner. They must have been running late because Brad cut right to the chase and informed Ashley S. that she will make an amazing wife someday....for someone else. He hands the rose to Ashley H who proceeds to use it to kiss good-bye to her supposedly BFF. I don't know about you, but she she looked more victorious than sad to me. I have to admit that I was shocked....until I remembered Brad's obvious penchant for crazy women. Ashley H has shown him her brand of crazy and he loves it. The rest of the date is super lame and we see them flying through the show looking ungraceful doing even the most simple choreography. My favorite part was when the burly intern comes to get the luggage....again, this is why I'm not on the show - they would have had to edit out the part of me going Latin Assassin on that intern since I would have been convinced that he was a robber/murderer. They need to pay their interns more - this guy looked like a random person pulled off The Strip.
My least favorite part was Ashley S.'s exit interview. I must be softening in my old age because I felt terrible for her. She sounds like a serial monogamist who keeps making it to the final round of dating, only to be told she's not The One. She talked about how tough this past year has been, etc and I just sat there feeling bad for her. We've all been there and it sucks. It especially sucks when it's on national TV and you have to walk and anguished mile and a half to the limo while people stare at you (knowing you had just gotten cut) and the background music is "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and the producers cut to shots of your crush and the girl he chose over you having a great time.....it just makes it a smidge worse.
Never one to miss out on a therapy appointment, Brad phones Dr. Jamie for their chat. Brad basically states that all the women are falling all over themselve to get to him and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....he can't help it that he's just that awesome. Being the incredible therapist he is, Dr. Jamie tells Brad to look out for numero uno and to let the women fend for themselves. He tells Brad to keep his eye on the mission and I get the inkling that Dr. Jamie may be confused about which of his patients he is talking to (it happens). Brad hangs up the phone feeling better for some reason I still can't figure out.
At the rose ceremony, Brad pulls Chantal aside because he is concerned about her recent drama. I'm still not a Chantal fan, but I felt it was a little unfair to single her out for drama....that's be like singling a Hooters waitress for having fake boobs or an orange tan....if you call out one person, you have to call them all out, Brad. They make up and Chantal scoots away from the camera quickly so that Raichel, now watching from home, will not see that she stole one of Raichel's dresses before the manscaper got the boot.
Next, an intern hands Brad a little cake and reminds him that he is supposed to give it to Alli (and then points out who Alli is). The intern also tells Brad that if he wants to look extra smooth, he should mention that the green on the cake is like the green dress she shimmied in front of his face on the first night. He follows the intern's advice and she eats it up.....the lines, not the cake (although she may have eaten the cake....I sure would have!).
In a bold move, Marissa pulls Brad into the bedroom and then babbles on about texts and notes. I have no idea what she is talking about when she shoves him a pile of papers. Marissa, sweetheart - you're an attractive, female, sports analyst....that's the foot you should have led with....not nervous, never-seen/never-heard, 5th grade note writer.
Michelle, who has been somewhat subdued (relative to previous episodes) takes Brad to the bedroom and tells him his time to talk is over. He tries to hide his excitement and she informs him that none of the other girls are right for him and that she recognizes what a good man he is. He tries to speak and she internally wishes that she had packed her whip. Instead she tells him to be quiet and go send some girls home. Sicko Brad is totally turned on and I'm left feeling so uncomfortable I can barely stand it. Michelle went for hot, but it came off as pathetic....truly pathetic. I wonder if she has any idea how many people felt bad for her after that scene....but more importantly, I guess, is that I wonder if she would even care.
In a complete non-shocker of a rose ceremony, Marissa and Lisa (Dorothy from Kansas) are sent home. Chantal receives the last rose of the night, which she takes as meaning she is on thin ice with Brad. Most people would reel it in after such a warning, but I have high hopes for Chantal and they involve her crying on each of her remaining episodes.
My favorite part of the whole night was explaining to Daniel how awful Michelle is and making him watch the dominatrix/bedroom scene. In true guy form, Daniel laughs and says, "I bet the father of her child is watching this, drinking a beer with his buddies saying, "I know she's hot, but see? She's crazy....y'all didn't believe me, but she's crazy." I almost peed myself laughing.
Next week, Brad appears to lose a little of his patience and we hold our breath in hopes that Michelle gets the boot!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's Michelle's Day.....Again
Thankfully, this week's episode was infinitely more entertaining than last week's....I don't know if Sampson would have been willing to sit through another snooze-fest with me...and he keeps my feet warm, so he's a necessity.
Rather than starting the episode with Brad looking thoughtful, we see Michelle with a mysterious black eye. Seriously? We're only 4 episodes deep and she has already gone to the inflicting-personal-harm-to gain-attention moves....she's awesome. Michelle parades her battered face downstairs stating that she has "no clue" how she got the black eye in her sleep. Understandable - I woke up just the other day with a shatter femur and can't imagine how that happened...must be that I slept weird.
My favorite part of the "black eye mystery" is sweet little Ashley S. saying she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. I would have loved to have seen that nighttime surveillance footage! Brad seemed a little bummed when he heard that this black eye was of an unknown origin - I think he was secretly hoping that the women had started literally duking it out for him. Michelle seems to think that having a black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date. But alas, Chantal, Michelle's new mortal enemy, is chosen...and now Michelle and her black eye have nothing to show for all her self-abusing efforts...nothing but a black eye at least.
In true Bachelor tradition, a helicopter has been chosen as the mode of transportation for Chantal and Brad's date. Chantal goes on and on about how she cannot believe that Brad would go through all this trouble to set all this up for her.
Well, you can relax a little, Chantal - he didn't. When are the bachelorettes going to accept the fact that Brad has nothing to do with the dates they go on...some ABC intern who is unfortunately not qualified to be the Bachelor himself has come up with these ideas. Give credit where credit is due.
Chantal reminds the home-viewers that she is "not good at the dating thing" and is scared of her feelings for Brad....I don't know that I'd lead with that foot, Chantal.
The sadist at ABC have decided to find out each girl's greatest fears and make that the activity they do on their date. The show really should be called, "Dating Fear Factor"...and when you think about it, how fun would it be to have all the bachelorettes have to make it through the Wipeout obstacle course before getting to the next round...talk about black eyes! I can dream, can't I.
Anyways, the happy couple has landed in Catalina and Chantal informs us that she is scared of the water....so guess what the date is - yup, walking on the ocean floor. Several things should be noted:
1) It looks like it's freezing out and I can't imagine how cold the water is and
2) Given the overcast day and the fact that it was Catalina and not Tahiti, those were some of the ugliest underwater shots ever. The highlight was seaweed and one orange fish. For her sake, I hope Chantal makes it to the tropical destination date to make up for this debacle. I'm not yet a huge fan of hers but even I thought she deserved better.
The happy land-loving couple have dinner on the beach...again, it looks like it's freezing....how romantic. Now, I must say, this is the most relaxed Brad I have seen. They actually look like a couple....awwww. Brad asks her about her divorce and seems more nervous to hear about it than Chantal is to talk about it. She doesn't really give specifics, but leads us to believe that this was one of those, "we just grew apart" situations. Brad seems satisfied with her answer. She asks Brad if he wants to be married and have children. He says he's "open" to the idea....and I start to think that we may have another Runaway Bachelor on our hands...which is secretly what I'm hoping for...shhhhh.
Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad first thing out of the limo on episode 1. She has clearly had a little couch time with Dr. Jamie and recognized that slapping a complete stranger violates at least 12 social rules and 1 actual law. They babble back and forth and talk about not wanting the date to end. There's lots of kissing (and again...no fireworks....I'm starting to think that Michelle was lying about this whole fireworks thing) and then it starts to rain, which Chantal states is good luck....since when? Rain being good luck is what people say to brides when it's raining on their wedding day and they are upset because now they're not going to get the pictures they wanted. And for the record - if it rains on June 4 (my wedding day), this is exactly what I expect people to say to me...and I'll believe it.
While Chantal and Brad a busy kissing in the rain, the group date card arrives at the house. After learning that she is not on the group date, Michelle informs the camera that if she does not get the next one-on-one, Brad might get his own black eye. The more I see her, the more I keep thinking, "He's going to eventually catch on that she's crazy, right?"...but then a remember a certain someone named Vienna and fear we could be in for a whole season of this craziness.
After threatening to harm Brad to the camera, Michelle corners the ever-Southern Ashley S. Michelle talks about how she can't stand being compared to Chantal because she is nothing like Chantal. Did I miss something? I sat on my couch thinking, "I've been here the whole episode...I'm pretty sure I did not randomly blackout or fall asleep....when did anyone compare Michelle to Chantal?"....Michelle, I'm starting to think that Hector Projector is rearing it's ugly, black-eyed face, ....chill out, no one's comparing you to Chantal except you. Ashley S. sits patiently nodding, not saying anything and wishing that her relaxing morning coffee on the patio had not turned into a therapy session. I have a feeling she's longing for the days of chasing after actual children and not dealing with childish adults. At least she gets paid to be a nanny.
While Ashley is forced to act like a therapist, the other women are actually going to see a therapist - Dr. Drew. Quick opinion about Dr. Drew...I love him and think that, for the most part, he does a great job. And, unlike Dr. Phil, he is a legitimate psychologist. Brad also loves Dr. Drew...but continues to treat all therapists he meets as if they are psychics...the way he places so much trust in their opinions and their take on things....I just have images of Miss Cleo and her fake accent turning over tarot cards...I'm not sure he has yet to appreciate the difference.
The topic of cheating comes up and Stacy, the wicked awesome bartender from Boston, is the only one to admit that she's cheated. Point goes to her for honesty. But then she goes on to minimize her cheating, making it sound like it's a perfectly natural thing to do in college....a rite of passage, if you will. And now I'm taking my point back. The other girls shoot judgmental looks at her and Brad says he admires her honesty, while internally he removes her picture from the wall of potential future Mrs. Womacks.
Next up is wobbly-wheels Ashley H, who admits that she is "retracting" from Brad. Like Michelle, she apparently did not research what show she was signing up for as she also has surprising feelings about Brad forming connections with other people. Meghan asks Brad point-blank what his type is since he seems to be into so many different types of girls. Brad supplies a wonderful non-answer that satisfies the crowd. Britt, in a completely endearing moment of authenticity, admits that she is intimidated by Brad and gets nervous around him. I heart her and think she is definitely someone who would be in my circle of friends (especially with the whole being a chef aspect going for her)....which means that her time on the show is limited.
After Love Line, the crew heads for their first "non-wrap party" at Brad's temporary home which involves a hot tub that's way too small for all of them. I'm not a germaphobe, but even I used waterless hand sanitizer after that scene. I noticed that the teacher from Plano merely dipped her feet in - my first thought was that she might be self-conscious about being in a bathing suit on national television, but most teachers I know are complete germophobes and would rather die than dunk themselves in that bacterial breeding ground. Ashley H's wobbly wheels almost go flying completely off as she rants about not getting time with the Bachelor. I feel like she's earning a new tag line: "Crazy: Just Add Alcohol" The girls all engage in a particulary cut-throat version of "Steal the Womack"....including Britt...who manages to steal the Bachelor away for an extended period of time, during which they make out heavily. We don't see Britt often, but from what we have seen, she is not a girl who wastes any time. Ashley H. comes to interrupt them and has to swallow a bit of the vomit in her mouth after seeing Brad and Britt kiss.
Once they are alone, Ashley proceeds to say a barrage of mean and hurtful things to Brad, basically telling him that in order to protect herself, she is going to treat him like poop from now on. Pre-therapy Brad might have kicked her off the show right then and there (really...who talks to the Bachelor like that?...okay, maybr Chris Harrison - but he's the only one!), but post-three-years-of-therapy Brad tries to process her emotions with her. He decides that the best way to convince her that her really does like her (when she's being nice) is to give her the rose for the date. So Brad gathers the girls into the too-small, germ-filled hot tub to proceed with the akward awarding of the rose. After 5+ glasses of wine and a bad one-on-one time with Brad, Ashley H. has completely lost the ability to inhibit any thought that enters her mind....so she comments on how she hates this part. Visibly frustrated, Brad asks her to explain what she means. Ashley H looks bewildered at the other girls as if to say, "Come on - I know I'm not the only one who hates this part!"...the other girls silently shoot her looks that say, "Of course we hate this part, but we're not dumb enough to actually say it in front of Brad." In a bold move, Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt. Ashley H sulks in the corner of the hot tub, nursing her hurt feelings and pruney fingers.
The last one-on-one date goes to Mike Tyson Michelle, who has now claimed her date day as "my day"...with an emphasis on the "my" part. You what they say about parents being selfless....ok, I'm not going to go there - let's just say that parents like Michelle ensure that I will always have a job.
Favorite part of the whole episode goes to Chantal for pointing out that Michelle's date card is the only one-on-one date card that does not have the word "love" in it. Michelle immediately takes the bait and in a frantic voice proclaims, "Oh my God...I don't have love!" Chantal, your stock is rising.
I began to like Chantal even more the next day when Brad came to pick up Michelle for their date. He insists on talking with Wobbly Wheels alone before heading out on the date. Michelle is in a huff - it's her day. The conversation between WW and Brad is not worth commenting on, but Chantal's confrontation with Michelle is. As Michelle goes on and on...and on about how unfair it is that Ashley H is taking away from her time with Brad, Chantal astutely points out that Michelle did the same thing on the first group date, when she threw a 3-year-old's tantrum after seeing Britt make out with Brad. Michelle refuses to see the similarities between the situations and makes a mental note to shave off one of Chantal's eyebrows when she sleeps.
Brad comes back in and Michelle literally yanks his arm, pulling him out of the house. She makes not-so-subtle comments about wanting to be away from the other girls as they drive up to the house and she tries to peel her hair away from her face. She realizes that they are at Brad's temporary home and makes some assumptions that prove to be inaccurate. For the 100th time, a helicopter comes to pick up the Bachelor and his date and this time they land on the top of a building in downtown LA. Michelle loses her cool when she realizes that they are going to repel down the side of the building.
Side note: This does not bode well for all of us who do not like Michelle. There's a little known theory in psychology that has been backed by empirical research...the gist is this: when someone (Brad) is with someone who is moderately to highly attractive (Michelle) and is placed in a dangerous situation (scaling a tall building) that causes the body to activate the fight or flight alarm reaction, the brain confuses that activation with feelings of love (which, coincidently involve the same brain structures and chemicals). Just take the above parentheses and change them to "Jake" "Vienna" and "Bungee jumping" respectively and you'll understand why I'm worried (or to "Ali" "Roberto" and "Tight rope walking"...but I like them so they get a pass).
Not surprisingly, they successfully scale the building and one of the ABC interns gets a little camera time. They both agree that if they can conquer this together then they must be meant to be together...clearly. Brad jumps in the pool and Michelle follows suit with the most ungraceful half-dive/half belly flop. They chat in the water...I kind of start to zone out at this point because Michelle annoys me so much. Bottom line, she gets the rose and we are subjected to yet another week of her. But at least she didn't do that weird rose dance again. She did however, do an awkward gang symbol when she stated that the other girls need to go home. Keep it up and you'll have another black eye that didn't come from an unknown source.
The rose ceremony was fairly mundane. Brad makes sure to spend time with the girls he didn't have dates with that week. Shawntal continues to be awesome and to go with the flow...which once again makes me question how long she will remain in the running...there's something about this show that tends to weed out all the normal girls.
The Bachelor meets with Meghan, who has turned into the girl to whom all the others girls complain about each other. Brad talks to her in a way that left me feeling like she and her fucshia platforms would be hitching a ride home later that night...and I was right.
Brad then takes Emily outside with a picnic basket in an effort to recreate their vineyard date on the driveway....charming or cheesey? You decide. Emily is all Southern belle and I feel that, while it is charming to a point, it sometimes comes across as distant and too formal. The way Chantal can joke with Brad feels like an authentic connection, while Emily and Brad feel forced.
Speaking of Chantal....she's busy having a breakdown over Brad's picnic with Emily. For the self-proclaimed "tough girl" she may have cried more than anyone else up until this point....including Emily, who truly has something to cry over. Chantal has a chance to confront Brad about her feelings and the main thing I got from their conversation is that Brad appreciates Chantal's ability to immasculate him......huh? Yup, that's what I got. It reminds me of the waise saying about the traits that you love at the beginning of a relationship are likely to be the ones that drive you crazy later on....I rest my case.
No surprises in the rose ceremony. The red headed teacher from Plano goes home, stating that she has no regrets and that she behaved herself in a manner consistent with how her parents raised her....which is likely why she's going home. Stacey, our cheating bartender, and Meghan were also sent home.
Next week, ABC ups the sadistic quotient tenfold by asking Emily to participate in a car-racing date...I mean seriously - that's just cruel and I'm kind of upset that they are putting this poor girl through all this. First the airplane ride and now the racecar driving date....Brad will be a total a-hole if he insists that she go through with it. But we shall see next week...right now we just need to bask in the glow of Michelle's day...and it doesn't matter when you read this, because every day is Michelle's day (complete with fireworks!)
Rather than starting the episode with Brad looking thoughtful, we see Michelle with a mysterious black eye. Seriously? We're only 4 episodes deep and she has already gone to the inflicting-personal-harm-to gain-attention moves....she's awesome. Michelle parades her battered face downstairs stating that she has "no clue" how she got the black eye in her sleep. Understandable - I woke up just the other day with a shatter femur and can't imagine how that happened...must be that I slept weird.
My favorite part of the "black eye mystery" is sweet little Ashley S. saying she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. I would have loved to have seen that nighttime surveillance footage! Brad seemed a little bummed when he heard that this black eye was of an unknown origin - I think he was secretly hoping that the women had started literally duking it out for him. Michelle seems to think that having a black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date. But alas, Chantal, Michelle's new mortal enemy, is chosen...and now Michelle and her black eye have nothing to show for all her self-abusing efforts...nothing but a black eye at least.
In true Bachelor tradition, a helicopter has been chosen as the mode of transportation for Chantal and Brad's date. Chantal goes on and on about how she cannot believe that Brad would go through all this trouble to set all this up for her.
Well, you can relax a little, Chantal - he didn't. When are the bachelorettes going to accept the fact that Brad has nothing to do with the dates they go on...some ABC intern who is unfortunately not qualified to be the Bachelor himself has come up with these ideas. Give credit where credit is due.
Chantal reminds the home-viewers that she is "not good at the dating thing" and is scared of her feelings for Brad....I don't know that I'd lead with that foot, Chantal.
The sadist at ABC have decided to find out each girl's greatest fears and make that the activity they do on their date. The show really should be called, "Dating Fear Factor"...and when you think about it, how fun would it be to have all the bachelorettes have to make it through the Wipeout obstacle course before getting to the next round...talk about black eyes! I can dream, can't I.
Anyways, the happy couple has landed in Catalina and Chantal informs us that she is scared of the water....so guess what the date is - yup, walking on the ocean floor. Several things should be noted:
1) It looks like it's freezing out and I can't imagine how cold the water is and
2) Given the overcast day and the fact that it was Catalina and not Tahiti, those were some of the ugliest underwater shots ever. The highlight was seaweed and one orange fish. For her sake, I hope Chantal makes it to the tropical destination date to make up for this debacle. I'm not yet a huge fan of hers but even I thought she deserved better.
The happy land-loving couple have dinner on the beach...again, it looks like it's freezing....how romantic. Now, I must say, this is the most relaxed Brad I have seen. They actually look like a couple....awwww. Brad asks her about her divorce and seems more nervous to hear about it than Chantal is to talk about it. She doesn't really give specifics, but leads us to believe that this was one of those, "we just grew apart" situations. Brad seems satisfied with her answer. She asks Brad if he wants to be married and have children. He says he's "open" to the idea....and I start to think that we may have another Runaway Bachelor on our hands...which is secretly what I'm hoping for...shhhhh.
Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad first thing out of the limo on episode 1. She has clearly had a little couch time with Dr. Jamie and recognized that slapping a complete stranger violates at least 12 social rules and 1 actual law. They babble back and forth and talk about not wanting the date to end. There's lots of kissing (and again...no fireworks....I'm starting to think that Michelle was lying about this whole fireworks thing) and then it starts to rain, which Chantal states is good luck....since when? Rain being good luck is what people say to brides when it's raining on their wedding day and they are upset because now they're not going to get the pictures they wanted. And for the record - if it rains on June 4 (my wedding day), this is exactly what I expect people to say to me...and I'll believe it.
While Chantal and Brad a busy kissing in the rain, the group date card arrives at the house. After learning that she is not on the group date, Michelle informs the camera that if she does not get the next one-on-one, Brad might get his own black eye. The more I see her, the more I keep thinking, "He's going to eventually catch on that she's crazy, right?"...but then a remember a certain someone named Vienna and fear we could be in for a whole season of this craziness.
After threatening to harm Brad to the camera, Michelle corners the ever-Southern Ashley S. Michelle talks about how she can't stand being compared to Chantal because she is nothing like Chantal. Did I miss something? I sat on my couch thinking, "I've been here the whole episode...I'm pretty sure I did not randomly blackout or fall asleep....when did anyone compare Michelle to Chantal?"....Michelle, I'm starting to think that Hector Projector is rearing it's ugly, black-eyed face, ....chill out, no one's comparing you to Chantal except you. Ashley S. sits patiently nodding, not saying anything and wishing that her relaxing morning coffee on the patio had not turned into a therapy session. I have a feeling she's longing for the days of chasing after actual children and not dealing with childish adults. At least she gets paid to be a nanny.
While Ashley is forced to act like a therapist, the other women are actually going to see a therapist - Dr. Drew. Quick opinion about Dr. Drew...I love him and think that, for the most part, he does a great job. And, unlike Dr. Phil, he is a legitimate psychologist. Brad also loves Dr. Drew...but continues to treat all therapists he meets as if they are psychics...the way he places so much trust in their opinions and their take on things....I just have images of Miss Cleo and her fake accent turning over tarot cards...I'm not sure he has yet to appreciate the difference.
The topic of cheating comes up and Stacy, the wicked awesome bartender from Boston, is the only one to admit that she's cheated. Point goes to her for honesty. But then she goes on to minimize her cheating, making it sound like it's a perfectly natural thing to do in college....a rite of passage, if you will. And now I'm taking my point back. The other girls shoot judgmental looks at her and Brad says he admires her honesty, while internally he removes her picture from the wall of potential future Mrs. Womacks.
Next up is wobbly-wheels Ashley H, who admits that she is "retracting" from Brad. Like Michelle, she apparently did not research what show she was signing up for as she also has surprising feelings about Brad forming connections with other people. Meghan asks Brad point-blank what his type is since he seems to be into so many different types of girls. Brad supplies a wonderful non-answer that satisfies the crowd. Britt, in a completely endearing moment of authenticity, admits that she is intimidated by Brad and gets nervous around him. I heart her and think she is definitely someone who would be in my circle of friends (especially with the whole being a chef aspect going for her)....which means that her time on the show is limited.
After Love Line, the crew heads for their first "non-wrap party" at Brad's temporary home which involves a hot tub that's way too small for all of them. I'm not a germaphobe, but even I used waterless hand sanitizer after that scene. I noticed that the teacher from Plano merely dipped her feet in - my first thought was that she might be self-conscious about being in a bathing suit on national television, but most teachers I know are complete germophobes and would rather die than dunk themselves in that bacterial breeding ground. Ashley H's wobbly wheels almost go flying completely off as she rants about not getting time with the Bachelor. I feel like she's earning a new tag line: "Crazy: Just Add Alcohol" The girls all engage in a particulary cut-throat version of "Steal the Womack"....including Britt...who manages to steal the Bachelor away for an extended period of time, during which they make out heavily. We don't see Britt often, but from what we have seen, she is not a girl who wastes any time. Ashley H. comes to interrupt them and has to swallow a bit of the vomit in her mouth after seeing Brad and Britt kiss.
Once they are alone, Ashley proceeds to say a barrage of mean and hurtful things to Brad, basically telling him that in order to protect herself, she is going to treat him like poop from now on. Pre-therapy Brad might have kicked her off the show right then and there (really...who talks to the Bachelor like that?...okay, maybr Chris Harrison - but he's the only one!), but post-three-years-of-therapy Brad tries to process her emotions with her. He decides that the best way to convince her that her really does like her (when she's being nice) is to give her the rose for the date. So Brad gathers the girls into the too-small, germ-filled hot tub to proceed with the akward awarding of the rose. After 5+ glasses of wine and a bad one-on-one time with Brad, Ashley H. has completely lost the ability to inhibit any thought that enters her mind....so she comments on how she hates this part. Visibly frustrated, Brad asks her to explain what she means. Ashley H looks bewildered at the other girls as if to say, "Come on - I know I'm not the only one who hates this part!"...the other girls silently shoot her looks that say, "Of course we hate this part, but we're not dumb enough to actually say it in front of Brad." In a bold move, Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt. Ashley H sulks in the corner of the hot tub, nursing her hurt feelings and pruney fingers.
The last one-on-one date goes to Mike Tyson Michelle, who has now claimed her date day as "my day"...with an emphasis on the "my" part. You what they say about parents being selfless....ok, I'm not going to go there - let's just say that parents like Michelle ensure that I will always have a job.
Favorite part of the whole episode goes to Chantal for pointing out that Michelle's date card is the only one-on-one date card that does not have the word "love" in it. Michelle immediately takes the bait and in a frantic voice proclaims, "Oh my God...I don't have love!" Chantal, your stock is rising.
I began to like Chantal even more the next day when Brad came to pick up Michelle for their date. He insists on talking with Wobbly Wheels alone before heading out on the date. Michelle is in a huff - it's her day. The conversation between WW and Brad is not worth commenting on, but Chantal's confrontation with Michelle is. As Michelle goes on and on...and on about how unfair it is that Ashley H is taking away from her time with Brad, Chantal astutely points out that Michelle did the same thing on the first group date, when she threw a 3-year-old's tantrum after seeing Britt make out with Brad. Michelle refuses to see the similarities between the situations and makes a mental note to shave off one of Chantal's eyebrows when she sleeps.
Brad comes back in and Michelle literally yanks his arm, pulling him out of the house. She makes not-so-subtle comments about wanting to be away from the other girls as they drive up to the house and she tries to peel her hair away from her face. She realizes that they are at Brad's temporary home and makes some assumptions that prove to be inaccurate. For the 100th time, a helicopter comes to pick up the Bachelor and his date and this time they land on the top of a building in downtown LA. Michelle loses her cool when she realizes that they are going to repel down the side of the building.
Side note: This does not bode well for all of us who do not like Michelle. There's a little known theory in psychology that has been backed by empirical research...the gist is this: when someone (Brad) is with someone who is moderately to highly attractive (Michelle) and is placed in a dangerous situation (scaling a tall building) that causes the body to activate the fight or flight alarm reaction, the brain confuses that activation with feelings of love (which, coincidently involve the same brain structures and chemicals). Just take the above parentheses and change them to "Jake" "Vienna" and "Bungee jumping" respectively and you'll understand why I'm worried (or to "Ali" "Roberto" and "Tight rope walking"...but I like them so they get a pass).
Not surprisingly, they successfully scale the building and one of the ABC interns gets a little camera time. They both agree that if they can conquer this together then they must be meant to be together...clearly. Brad jumps in the pool and Michelle follows suit with the most ungraceful half-dive/half belly flop. They chat in the water...I kind of start to zone out at this point because Michelle annoys me so much. Bottom line, she gets the rose and we are subjected to yet another week of her. But at least she didn't do that weird rose dance again. She did however, do an awkward gang symbol when she stated that the other girls need to go home. Keep it up and you'll have another black eye that didn't come from an unknown source.
The rose ceremony was fairly mundane. Brad makes sure to spend time with the girls he didn't have dates with that week. Shawntal continues to be awesome and to go with the flow...which once again makes me question how long she will remain in the running...there's something about this show that tends to weed out all the normal girls.
The Bachelor meets with Meghan, who has turned into the girl to whom all the others girls complain about each other. Brad talks to her in a way that left me feeling like she and her fucshia platforms would be hitching a ride home later that night...and I was right.
Brad then takes Emily outside with a picnic basket in an effort to recreate their vineyard date on the driveway....charming or cheesey? You decide. Emily is all Southern belle and I feel that, while it is charming to a point, it sometimes comes across as distant and too formal. The way Chantal can joke with Brad feels like an authentic connection, while Emily and Brad feel forced.
Speaking of Chantal....she's busy having a breakdown over Brad's picnic with Emily. For the self-proclaimed "tough girl" she may have cried more than anyone else up until this point....including Emily, who truly has something to cry over. Chantal has a chance to confront Brad about her feelings and the main thing I got from their conversation is that Brad appreciates Chantal's ability to immasculate him......huh? Yup, that's what I got. It reminds me of the waise saying about the traits that you love at the beginning of a relationship are likely to be the ones that drive you crazy later on....I rest my case.
No surprises in the rose ceremony. The red headed teacher from Plano goes home, stating that she has no regrets and that she behaved herself in a manner consistent with how her parents raised her....which is likely why she's going home. Stacey, our cheating bartender, and Meghan were also sent home.
Next week, ABC ups the sadistic quotient tenfold by asking Emily to participate in a car-racing date...I mean seriously - that's just cruel and I'm kind of upset that they are putting this poor girl through all this. First the airplane ride and now the racecar driving date....Brad will be a total a-hole if he insists that she go through with it. But we shall see next week...right now we just need to bask in the glow of Michelle's day...and it doesn't matter when you read this, because every day is Michelle's day (complete with fireworks!)
Who's Your Daddy?
Confession: I found last night's episode a bit on the boring side. It could be related to my hatred of the "acting dates"....it could have been that Michelle's craziness has become somewhat predictable...or it could have been all the "daddy issue" talks...whatever it was, I felt like saying "Just get on with it!" several times.
Chris Harrison graced the girls with his presence to explain (yet again) the rules for the week...which incidently were the exact same rules as last week...and last season. Either way, I was thinking, "We know, Chris...we know!"...but I guess he has to earn his paycheck somehow!
First one-on-one date goes to Ashley S - the one who got the first impression rose. She and Brad are going to "find their love song"...to which she confesses that she really hopes it's not kereoke....we agree. Instead, she and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their version of the song "Kiss from a Rose"...I say "their version" because anyone who watched this episode will agree that what came out from their vocal cords did not even resemble song we all remember from the Batman movie...not even close. It was similar to the really awful American idol auditions, yet somehow not quite as funny. Even the sound guy was shaking his head in disbelief. But, instead of cutting his losses and letting us all off the hook, his contract demanded that he let them do several takes. One part that actually made me laugh was when Brad assured him that no matter how many takes they took, it was not going to get any better....his work on self-awareness in therapy is really paying off.
After Brad and Ashley finish butchering the song, they head next door where Seal is reminding the audience that it is actually a great song when sung correctly. Brief sidenote: I heart Seal and was lucky enough to literally run into him in Chicago when I was in college. He was incredibly polite as I apologized profusely for slamming my body into his torso...and I might have stepped on his foot.
Dinner on top of the Capitol Records building was a snoozefest...Ashley told him about her father's passing (which is truly sad), but since we already new this for several weeks, our reaction was significantly more subdued than Brad's. I have also noticed that when Brad hears bad news from the girls, he gets really flustered and whatever comes out of his mouth sounds really insincere...not a good combo. But the date moves on, she gets a rose, they dance (to what?), and kiss.
Boring, but a happy ending because I like Ashley S.
Next up is the group date. And since Michelle seems to have forgotten what show she is on, she is pissed that there will be other girls on her date. She hates them....and I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual.
The girls are swept away in a very suspicious-looking van and taken to a sound stage for yet another acting date. I guess the folks at ABC figure that since most of the women are probably there to jump start their acting careers, they should kill two birds with one stone. Brad is calmly telling the girls how he wants a wife who can get dirty (careful with those double entendres there) when "out of nowhere" guys pretending to be ninjas attack him. Good thing it's a carefully choreographed sequence which allows Brad to win. The fight sequence reminds me of the fake WWF fighting my brother and I did as children when we were bored - the punches are all 15 feet from the target, there's a delay in responding, you always have a shovel available when needed....you get it - it was "realistic." He then informs the girls that they will be making an action movie. They woo-hoo half-heartedly and we see a montage of their skills. Highlights include:
1) The Plano schooteacher throat-chopping some guy
2) Ali managing to show an insane amount of cleavage even though she's in workout gear
3) Lisa's grunts which come out as "squeaks"
Shawtal does the best so she gets the coveted kissing scene, which, of course, requires repeated takes. At this point, resident psycho Michelle informs us that she's jealous and pissed, but then changes her mind to say that she's glad her first kiss with Brad is not scripted, because there will be fireworks (somewhere over her right shoulder apparently). Her kiss with Brad will be slow, sensual, and....slippery. Please take a moment to spit out the vomit in your mouth.
After the filming is over, Brad takes the girls to another "wrap party" - I wish he would stop using that term after they are finished filming these never-to-be-released projects. It's like saying that you are going to a "warp party" after your crazy Aunt Edna uses her iphone to record the opening of presents at Christmas....this truly makes me irritated. Chantal seized the opportunity to steal Brad away and proceeds to cry quickly. For the resident tough gal, these tears came pretty quickly. Maybe she is confusing "tough" and "bitchy"....common error. Chantal shares that she tried to reconnect with her estranged father, only to find out that he had passed. She then goes on to spout the Stuart Smalley lessons learned from that experience and Brad tells her he likes her puffy face. Despite everything, Chantal is growing on me...but that's not hard because I solidly disliked her since Day 1. But, I should probably get over that since I think she will stay a while.
Michelle is not going to be denied one-on-one time on her non-birthday. It's night and she wants the whole world to see those fireworks. There was some talk about her bracelet and she tries to come across like she is on this show for her daughter...she even manages to squeak out a few tears. They kiss....no fireworks (and believe me, I looked over her right shoulder where she repeatedly demonstrated that the fireworks would be....nothing). Brad then goes down the elevator, grabs the rose, tells the girls who are obviously not getting the rose that he will be back shortly, and goes back upstairs. I have to hand it to ABC, I actually thought it was Michelle up there waiting for him (I had been on a plane that day and was tired...not at my sharpest)...but it's Shawtal (who I really like)...he talks about how much he likes her before almost denying her when she goes in for the kiss. It was clear that she was kissing him. I was confused but happy that she would get to live to see another week. And it should be noted that she did not feel it was necessary to treat the other women to the victory dance Michelle did the week prior.
The second one-on-one date was also somewhat anti-climactic for the viewer since we had heard Emily's story at least 3 times since the beginning of the season. It still makes me sad and I feel for her...but enough is enough ABC - don't make this girl recount this story again. ABC shows its sadistic side by not only making her recount the story yet again, but by making her get on an airplane. Seriously? That's just cruel. And they give Brad a list of questions to ask just to drive the point home...such as "Airplanes don't bother you, do they?" True to her Southern belle upbringing, she responds with a gracious, "No" because she doesn't want to appear ungrateful...but you know inside she's going, "You sonofa...."
Side note: Loved Meaghan describing Emily as a "little Barbie with the heart of Mother Teresa"...she then astutely notes that "You want to hate her, but you can't hate Mother Teresa"....Michelle disagrees.
The date starts off super-awkwardly as Brad is once again given a list of questions to ask her. She skillfully deflects them, responding that she's just like everyone else - when she gets tired she gets angry and she wants a life of happiness, etc. The king of the run-around, Brad, knows when someone is deflecting questions and he points this out. Emily just smiles and sips her wine, confessing to the camera that she knows she has to tell her story (yet again - thanks ABC) before the night is over. She bites the bullet at dinner and Brad again has a response that I think misses the mark...I think he went for "supportive" but it came out as "overwhelmed." But, Emily didn't seem to notice and accepted the rose even before Brad could get the full question out of his mouth. The best part of the date was the deleted section they showed during the credits which involved Emily cussing when she lost a marshmellow in the fire...I don't swear about much, but I agree that a lost dessert warrants more than an "o drat!"
Before the rose ceremony, we are treated to another couch session with Dr. Jamie and his beautiful Australian accent and 5-cent advice. This week's therapy golden nugget is to "open up" and be "playful" and "relaxed" because this will help the girls open up. Opening up doesn't seem to be a problem with this group - appropriate boundaries does.
At the rose ceremony, Brad tries to take Dr. Jamie's advice - I think we were supposed to notice a difference in the girls....I didn't. Brad apologized to Chantal for not giving her the appropriate response when she shared her daddy issues with him. She forgave him on the grounds that they make out until another bachelorette uncomfortably interrupts them. He obliged. And, to no one's surprise, Michelle is the one to butt into their make-out session....although she doesn't seem uncomfortable about it.
Michelle is all about the stupid games. Which is why she starts her conversation with Brad with the ultra-lame, "You and I are in our first fight," as she smiles in a way that I assume she thinks is sexy, but to the rest of us is just trashy. She again has forgotten what show she signed up for and is "mad" at Brad for kissing other girls....I mean, hasn't he listened to her interviews to the camera - He. Is. Hers. But Brad confesses that he likes her attitude and semi-stalker behavior...to each their own.
It looked like it was going to take a miracle to disentangle Michelle from Brad, but even Michelle knows not to mess with a girl with fangs and therefore she allowed Brad to talk privately with Madison. In a bold move, Madison not only took out her fangs, but said she was considering leaving the show. Brad appeared flustered...or was it concerned?...or excited?...I'm not sure - all his expressions and delivery are exactly the same. Either way, he was feeling some kind of emotion and asked her to give him a chance to get to know her. She said she would think about it, but we all knew that she was thinking how much cooler her friends at home were and how she couldn't wait to get back to her Eclipse-loving fellow vamps.
Just as Brad is reeling from Madison's talk with him, Ashley H. decides that it is the perfect time to give Brad a little taste of the craziness that he would have on a daily basis if he picked her. Her wheels are starting to wobble. Ashley H. tries to old strong-arm technique of stating "If you're on the fence with me, I'd rather have you send me home." Have any of these girls watched past seasons - this never works! But bless her heart, she tries. Brad gets up to leave, walks a couple of steps, and then goes back to Ashley H. for a very passionate kiss in front of the fire. Brad apparently has a thing for unstable women.
In the rose ceremony, Michelle and Chantal get the first two roses and then all of a sudden we see Madison exit. Chris Harrison motions to Brad that he's supposed to follow. What ensues is a vampire's version of "It's not you, it's me" break-up...to which Brad is completely oblivious. She is about to dumb it down to the simple, "I'm just not that into you," when the off-camera producer signals to Brad to just let her go so they can later edit it to make it look like Brad was rejecting her...we don't want another Jesse Palmer situation on our hands. Madison was clearly on the show just to see what it was like...and she decided that it sucked.
This week's rejected bachelorettes include:
Kimberly: also known as "crazy eyes" from episode 1. Maybe it was the eyes or the super huge peacock feather earrings, but Brad just wasn't feeling it. I was bummed at first, because she looked like a nice sweet girl (minus the eye thing), until her exit interview, when she morphed into a cursing, bitter, scorned woman. But don't worry about her, she's going to be dating someone in 5 seconds...start your watches.
On the other end of the spectrum, Sara, turns into a crying, mascara-running mess....not on national TV, hon! I'm surprised at her strong emotions given that I don't recall seeing her talk to Brad....ever. But that's the beauty of this gem called the Bachelor...you can fall head over heels with someone you have only seen from afar (sigh)
Next week Michelle gets a black eye and Ashley H's wheels continue to loosen! Can't wait!
Chris Harrison graced the girls with his presence to explain (yet again) the rules for the week...which incidently were the exact same rules as last week...and last season. Either way, I was thinking, "We know, Chris...we know!"...but I guess he has to earn his paycheck somehow!
First one-on-one date goes to Ashley S - the one who got the first impression rose. She and Brad are going to "find their love song"...to which she confesses that she really hopes it's not kereoke....we agree. Instead, she and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their version of the song "Kiss from a Rose"...I say "their version" because anyone who watched this episode will agree that what came out from their vocal cords did not even resemble song we all remember from the Batman movie...not even close. It was similar to the really awful American idol auditions, yet somehow not quite as funny. Even the sound guy was shaking his head in disbelief. But, instead of cutting his losses and letting us all off the hook, his contract demanded that he let them do several takes. One part that actually made me laugh was when Brad assured him that no matter how many takes they took, it was not going to get any better....his work on self-awareness in therapy is really paying off.
After Brad and Ashley finish butchering the song, they head next door where Seal is reminding the audience that it is actually a great song when sung correctly. Brief sidenote: I heart Seal and was lucky enough to literally run into him in Chicago when I was in college. He was incredibly polite as I apologized profusely for slamming my body into his torso...and I might have stepped on his foot.
Dinner on top of the Capitol Records building was a snoozefest...Ashley told him about her father's passing (which is truly sad), but since we already new this for several weeks, our reaction was significantly more subdued than Brad's. I have also noticed that when Brad hears bad news from the girls, he gets really flustered and whatever comes out of his mouth sounds really insincere...not a good combo. But the date moves on, she gets a rose, they dance (to what?), and kiss.
Boring, but a happy ending because I like Ashley S.
Next up is the group date. And since Michelle seems to have forgotten what show she is on, she is pissed that there will be other girls on her date. She hates them....and I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual.
The girls are swept away in a very suspicious-looking van and taken to a sound stage for yet another acting date. I guess the folks at ABC figure that since most of the women are probably there to jump start their acting careers, they should kill two birds with one stone. Brad is calmly telling the girls how he wants a wife who can get dirty (careful with those double entendres there) when "out of nowhere" guys pretending to be ninjas attack him. Good thing it's a carefully choreographed sequence which allows Brad to win. The fight sequence reminds me of the fake WWF fighting my brother and I did as children when we were bored - the punches are all 15 feet from the target, there's a delay in responding, you always have a shovel available when needed....you get it - it was "realistic." He then informs the girls that they will be making an action movie. They woo-hoo half-heartedly and we see a montage of their skills. Highlights include:
1) The Plano schooteacher throat-chopping some guy
2) Ali managing to show an insane amount of cleavage even though she's in workout gear
3) Lisa's grunts which come out as "squeaks"
Shawtal does the best so she gets the coveted kissing scene, which, of course, requires repeated takes. At this point, resident psycho Michelle informs us that she's jealous and pissed, but then changes her mind to say that she's glad her first kiss with Brad is not scripted, because there will be fireworks (somewhere over her right shoulder apparently). Her kiss with Brad will be slow, sensual, and....slippery. Please take a moment to spit out the vomit in your mouth.
After the filming is over, Brad takes the girls to another "wrap party" - I wish he would stop using that term after they are finished filming these never-to-be-released projects. It's like saying that you are going to a "warp party" after your crazy Aunt Edna uses her iphone to record the opening of presents at Christmas....this truly makes me irritated. Chantal seized the opportunity to steal Brad away and proceeds to cry quickly. For the resident tough gal, these tears came pretty quickly. Maybe she is confusing "tough" and "bitchy"....common error. Chantal shares that she tried to reconnect with her estranged father, only to find out that he had passed. She then goes on to spout the Stuart Smalley lessons learned from that experience and Brad tells her he likes her puffy face. Despite everything, Chantal is growing on me...but that's not hard because I solidly disliked her since Day 1. But, I should probably get over that since I think she will stay a while.
Michelle is not going to be denied one-on-one time on her non-birthday. It's night and she wants the whole world to see those fireworks. There was some talk about her bracelet and she tries to come across like she is on this show for her daughter...she even manages to squeak out a few tears. They kiss....no fireworks (and believe me, I looked over her right shoulder where she repeatedly demonstrated that the fireworks would be....nothing). Brad then goes down the elevator, grabs the rose, tells the girls who are obviously not getting the rose that he will be back shortly, and goes back upstairs. I have to hand it to ABC, I actually thought it was Michelle up there waiting for him (I had been on a plane that day and was tired...not at my sharpest)...but it's Shawtal (who I really like)...he talks about how much he likes her before almost denying her when she goes in for the kiss. It was clear that she was kissing him. I was confused but happy that she would get to live to see another week. And it should be noted that she did not feel it was necessary to treat the other women to the victory dance Michelle did the week prior.
The second one-on-one date was also somewhat anti-climactic for the viewer since we had heard Emily's story at least 3 times since the beginning of the season. It still makes me sad and I feel for her...but enough is enough ABC - don't make this girl recount this story again. ABC shows its sadistic side by not only making her recount the story yet again, but by making her get on an airplane. Seriously? That's just cruel. And they give Brad a list of questions to ask just to drive the point home...such as "Airplanes don't bother you, do they?" True to her Southern belle upbringing, she responds with a gracious, "No" because she doesn't want to appear ungrateful...but you know inside she's going, "You sonofa...."
Side note: Loved Meaghan describing Emily as a "little Barbie with the heart of Mother Teresa"...she then astutely notes that "You want to hate her, but you can't hate Mother Teresa"....Michelle disagrees.
The date starts off super-awkwardly as Brad is once again given a list of questions to ask her. She skillfully deflects them, responding that she's just like everyone else - when she gets tired she gets angry and she wants a life of happiness, etc. The king of the run-around, Brad, knows when someone is deflecting questions and he points this out. Emily just smiles and sips her wine, confessing to the camera that she knows she has to tell her story (yet again - thanks ABC) before the night is over. She bites the bullet at dinner and Brad again has a response that I think misses the mark...I think he went for "supportive" but it came out as "overwhelmed." But, Emily didn't seem to notice and accepted the rose even before Brad could get the full question out of his mouth. The best part of the date was the deleted section they showed during the credits which involved Emily cussing when she lost a marshmellow in the fire...I don't swear about much, but I agree that a lost dessert warrants more than an "o drat!"
Before the rose ceremony, we are treated to another couch session with Dr. Jamie and his beautiful Australian accent and 5-cent advice. This week's therapy golden nugget is to "open up" and be "playful" and "relaxed" because this will help the girls open up. Opening up doesn't seem to be a problem with this group - appropriate boundaries does.
At the rose ceremony, Brad tries to take Dr. Jamie's advice - I think we were supposed to notice a difference in the girls....I didn't. Brad apologized to Chantal for not giving her the appropriate response when she shared her daddy issues with him. She forgave him on the grounds that they make out until another bachelorette uncomfortably interrupts them. He obliged. And, to no one's surprise, Michelle is the one to butt into their make-out session....although she doesn't seem uncomfortable about it.
Michelle is all about the stupid games. Which is why she starts her conversation with Brad with the ultra-lame, "You and I are in our first fight," as she smiles in a way that I assume she thinks is sexy, but to the rest of us is just trashy. She again has forgotten what show she signed up for and is "mad" at Brad for kissing other girls....I mean, hasn't he listened to her interviews to the camera - He. Is. Hers. But Brad confesses that he likes her attitude and semi-stalker behavior...to each their own.
It looked like it was going to take a miracle to disentangle Michelle from Brad, but even Michelle knows not to mess with a girl with fangs and therefore she allowed Brad to talk privately with Madison. In a bold move, Madison not only took out her fangs, but said she was considering leaving the show. Brad appeared flustered...or was it concerned?...or excited?...I'm not sure - all his expressions and delivery are exactly the same. Either way, he was feeling some kind of emotion and asked her to give him a chance to get to know her. She said she would think about it, but we all knew that she was thinking how much cooler her friends at home were and how she couldn't wait to get back to her Eclipse-loving fellow vamps.
Just as Brad is reeling from Madison's talk with him, Ashley H. decides that it is the perfect time to give Brad a little taste of the craziness that he would have on a daily basis if he picked her. Her wheels are starting to wobble. Ashley H. tries to old strong-arm technique of stating "If you're on the fence with me, I'd rather have you send me home." Have any of these girls watched past seasons - this never works! But bless her heart, she tries. Brad gets up to leave, walks a couple of steps, and then goes back to Ashley H. for a very passionate kiss in front of the fire. Brad apparently has a thing for unstable women.
In the rose ceremony, Michelle and Chantal get the first two roses and then all of a sudden we see Madison exit. Chris Harrison motions to Brad that he's supposed to follow. What ensues is a vampire's version of "It's not you, it's me" break-up...to which Brad is completely oblivious. She is about to dumb it down to the simple, "I'm just not that into you," when the off-camera producer signals to Brad to just let her go so they can later edit it to make it look like Brad was rejecting her...we don't want another Jesse Palmer situation on our hands. Madison was clearly on the show just to see what it was like...and she decided that it sucked.
This week's rejected bachelorettes include:
Kimberly: also known as "crazy eyes" from episode 1. Maybe it was the eyes or the super huge peacock feather earrings, but Brad just wasn't feeling it. I was bummed at first, because she looked like a nice sweet girl (minus the eye thing), until her exit interview, when she morphed into a cursing, bitter, scorned woman. But don't worry about her, she's going to be dating someone in 5 seconds...start your watches.
On the other end of the spectrum, Sara, turns into a crying, mascara-running mess....not on national TV, hon! I'm surprised at her strong emotions given that I don't recall seeing her talk to Brad....ever. But that's the beauty of this gem called the Bachelor...you can fall head over heels with someone you have only seen from afar (sigh)
Next week Michelle gets a black eye and Ashley H's wheels continue to loosen! Can't wait!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
It's My Birthday, I Can Be Psycho If I Want To
I needed a good day to digest the craziness that is this season of The Bachelor...aye aye aye - these women are giving past seasons' casts a run for their money in terms of over-the-top antics! This is not to say I didn't have a good laugh at times during the episode....but there were definitely a lot of moments when I metaphorically curled into the fetal position, went to my happy place, and prayed that the women on screen would just stop and go away....thankfully, some of them did. Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, It's Michelle's birthday (not her 29th or her 31st....her 30th!)
I have a feeling that every episode this season is going to start with Brad looking thoughtful while doing some completely irrelevant activity. This week it was palming a football at the edge of a cliff....for some reason the producers at ABC thought the combo of football and cliff = this guy is really serious about findng a wife....sure, we'll go with that. I also have a feeling that every week we will be reminded of Brad's failure to pick a woman during his last Bachelor go-round and of how he is truly a changed man and ready to find love this time....he's going to make it work, gosh darn it - even if it means having to marry a woman with fangs.
{Side note on our resident vampire, I never in a million years ever thought I would say this - she's not the craziest one in the bunch! We didn't get a see a lot of her this week, but I wonder if that's because her reflection doesn't show up on camera. Or she could have been overshadowed by Michelle since, in case you missed it, it was her birthday.}
Let me also say that I love Chris Harrison because you can tell how bored he is with his job. He essentially has the exact same script each year (and those of us who watch each season often find ourselves saying his lines along with him). To his credit, he slides in some under-the-radar verbal jabs from time to time in order to spice things up. This week though, he kind of phoned it in. How could he have done to Michelle on her birthday? (and her 30th birthday at that!)
So, Ashley H., the dentist who dances around in tube socks and short shorts, gets the first date and it's a one-on-one. She's pumped, some girls pretend to be excited for her, other girls shoot her evil looks. Ashley S. looks really bummed because she got the first impression rose and now feels like he might have picked a new favorite, or quite possibly confused the other Ashley with her....either way, it's not good. We flash forward to Brad coming to pick her up. Ashley H. bounces down the stairs in her dress that is 1/2 sequined gold (a la Las Vegas lounge singer (think Whoppie in Sister Act)) and 1/2 gold tutu (a la pimped out ballerina), all tied neatly together with a gold bow. There was so much wrong with this dress that it almost came together as a "right"....I said "almost."
Brad and Ashley drive together down the highway and turn off into the woods. Ashley H says that she's scared and jokes about something bad happening. That's right, hon, the producers have run out of date ideas so they've decided to throw in a wooded chainsaw murder date to liven things up. Seriously, how much danger can you be in when there is a whole camera crew there as witnesses....I'm sure at least the guy with the boom mic would step in to help if needed. As it turns out, there's no carnage in store, but rather a makeshift carnival. The camera catches these two lovebirds frolicking from ride to ride, eating cotton candy, and winning stuffed animals. Then we are treated to the sentiment that is uttered every season of the Bachelor (and I'm paraphrasing): "I want to make sure (name) can relax and have fun and act like a kid." Color me confused, but I thought acting like a child was a bad thing. When you tell something they are being childish, it's not usually meant as a compliment. But somewhere in the world of The Bachelor, being able to act like a child is right up there with honesty and trustworthiness as wanted virtues...this could explain the success rate of Bachelor couples.
There was a serious conversation at the end when both Brad and Ashley H. talked about their absent fathers. As a psychologist, I appreciated their ability for self-reflection...however, they seemed to conceptualize it as reasons why they both are guarded. Two guarded people does not make a match made in heaven. But Ashley H., determined to not be sent home, grabs Brad and pulls him in for a kiss. And thanks to the creative editing by the staff at ABC, it appears that the kiss goes on much longer than it really does. If you take careful note, you'll notice that Ashley H. initiates the majority of the kisses (and even asks, "Can we do that again?") - not a good sign. However, he's definitely not ready to send her home so he gives her a rose.
Next up is the group date. Melissa cannot believe that there will be 14 other women with her on her 30th birthday date. How dare they! It's clear to her that she is the right one for Brad, so she gets a little pissy that he needs to keep up the charade and go through all the other eliminations - remember, there will be fireworks when they kiss. {And as a side note, I didn't understand the superhuge (dinner plate-sized) earrings paired with the 80's ripped, Flashdance top....but she can wear what she wants - it's her birthday).
Maybe it's the fact that there is a vampire wanna-be in the group, but ABC decides that the girls will be involved in a PSA promoting blood donation for the Red Cross. Can I please say how sick and tired of all the "acting" related dates that have gone on in the past couple of seasons? They are so stupid! And let's face it, everyone does more acting off camera than on camera....Brad acts like he's a changed man, Raichel acts like her dresses fit her, Michelle acts like she has a soul....errrrr....you get my point. Highlights of this date include the following:
1) Melissa being cast a cougar because I know I'm not the only one questioning her stated age of 32
2) Keltie having to be the butch girl with the arm casts....and I have to say, she pulled off the comedic part of that very well.
3) Britt, the self-proclaimed prude, out-skanking Chantal (the not-self-proclaimed prude) and
4) the girls accusing Stacey of 'messing up on purpose" so she could get to kiss Brad more....that's just smart game-playing gals.
Two incidences earn some extra attention:
1) Melissa literally diving into Brad with an ambush kiss right to the fake mustache. The only word to describe his face is "horrified." Melissa has a thing for literally throwing herself at men - remember how she dove into Brad's arms screaming "Catch me!" on the first night?...geez, if this isn't a more blatant metaphor for how she handles her dating life, I don't know what is. Lest we forget, she will quickly remind us that she quit her job to be on the Bachelor...some would say that's confidence....given the fact that it's her, I'm going to put it in the delusional bucket.
2) Michelle's meltdown was classic! We now have a better understanding of why she said she doesn't have any girl friends. I think Brad handled it as well as he could, but you could definitely see some irritation and confusion on his face - guys tend to not "get" girl drama. But you know he was thinking, "Good thing you're hot...I just gotta keep you around until fantasy suite time." Besides, it's her birthday, she can be psycho if she wants.
The rooftop party was fairly uneventful, until Melissa reared her cougar temper. No matter how many times I watch that sequence of events, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Melissa and Raichel were fighting about. Even more confusing is that Raichel appeared to be the one trying to walk away from a confrontation, but it was Melissa who kept poking the bear with the stick! Raichel strikes me as the kind of gal who has a TKO or two under her belt, so the fact that Melissa didn't leave on a stretcher shows me that court-ordered anger management classes can help....either that or Raichel recognized that Melissa is c-r-a-z-y and was afraid that she would have the superhuman strength that sometimes accompanies active manic episodes.
The only other noteworthy part of the evening was that birthday girl Michelle got the rose at the end of the date. I am going to assume it was a birthday-pity rose....or a "thank God you're pretty enough to make up for your craziness rose"....hard to tell - those roses can look alike. Ever-modest Michelle took the opportunity to do a little victory dance in the pool, where she flaunted her rose in front of the 14 other roseless bachelorettes....again, I'm shocked blood was not shed.
The next one-on-one date was with Jackie. After episode one, I was feeling ambivalent about her, but after this episode....still ambivalent. She seemed a lot nicer this time around - I had been worried during the first episode that she would have the "behind-the-scenes-bitchiness" that plagues no less than 3 contestants every year. But she headed off to her Pretty Woman date. Now, this is where I would fail miserably on a show like this. My date would have played out like this:
Brad: Today, I'm taking you on this amazing Pretty Woman date where you are going to be pampered and treated like royalty.
Me: Royalty? Have you seen Pretty Woman? She's a prostitute! Do I look like a prostitute?
Brad: No...of course not. I'm just reading the cue cards they told me to read.
Me: Zip it, Dr. Phil protege - I'm no hooker, and you're no Richard Gere.
Hence why I comment on reality shows rather than star in them.
After a very blah, vanilla scene of them in robes with mud on their faces, Brad leads Jackie up to a room filled with dresses and accessories - a girl's dream. Jackie, the artist, proceeds to pick out the most boring, ill-fitting dress in the entire room. It seriously looked like a shiny Glad trash bag cinched around her waist. The jewelry was a nice touch (thanks Neil Lane!), but again - we've seen this date before on previous seasons (but never on Michelle's birthday)
After thanking Brad for the 1054th time, Jackie and he arrive at the Hollywood Bowl and Jackie is tickled pink that her name is on the marquee. They sit down to dinner that started off so boring I was tempted to flip to the BCS Championship game. My finger was on the button when Brad asked the million-dollar question:
"So, how many relationships have you had?"
Jackie admitted to only having two serious relationships and to have not dated in college. I am going to assume that Brad had been lulled into a bored state of dissociation and therefore misheard Jackie because he responded to her answer as if she had said, "I have never dated a man before because I have a tendency to murder them before the relationship can really take off."
While Brad sat there, looking as shaken up as Bobby Brown did during the infamous "Crack is whack" interview, Jackie stated that she picks her relationships carefully. I'm not seeing where the bad part is. Brad spins it to mean that she has commitment issues, at which point three words cross my mind: Pot. Kettle. Black. But Brad, after receiving assurance from Jackie that she is ready for a relationship, gives her a rose and reveals the surprise that Train is performing for them. Jackie looks confused - she's an artist, remember? She is not hip to the adult pop scene and has no idea who Train is, but she dances around and feigns happiness after the producers threaten to take her rose away.....She may not be a fan of Train - however, I am still holding out hope that she might be a Justin Beiber collage artist - only time will tell.
Rose ceremony - highlights:
1) Michelle pulling Brad aside to ask him "serious" questions such as where he prefers to get his coffee and what he stocks his fridge with. And like the high school girl she has not been about to grow out of, she assums that on the basis of his answers that they are soulmates. Michelle also takes the time to accuse him of having walls - and she does so in the most intrusive tone possible....one that would make anyone go on the defensive.
2) Emily proved that, if you have a cute little southern accent, you can get away with saying just about anything. I almost fell off the couch laughing when Michelle shared her questions to Brad with the ladies and Emily says, "Are you serious? Oh...I thought you were just being a smart-ass." Your stock in rising, Emily.
3) Melissa having absolutely no clue what an ass she is making of herself. She has yet to learn that being the "damsel in distress" only works when you are actually in distress...not when you are amid your own self-created drama. There's a reason most guys don't watch soap operas....Melissa has yet to figure out why.
4) Sweet Ashley S telling Melissa that she does not care about the drama between Melissa and Raichel and does not want to hear about it. I'm shocked at such healthy conflict resolution from one of the contestants, but quickly remember that Ashley S is a nanny - she's used to dealing with childish fights (and see? Childish is not a good thing!!)
4) Raichel, crying as she pops out of her Jersey Shore dress, stating that she wanted to look beautiful for Brad but is afraid that's ruined because she's crying. Don't worry Raichel, he's not looking your face.
5)Ali and Roberto returning to the show, both looking a little scraggly. "Carefully disheveled" is one thing - just plain messy is another.
6) Melissa telling Ali and Roberto that she's the targeted one in the house - did she not watch Jake's season? Because if she did, she'd quickly remember that Vienna was the targeted one in the house and the main person doing the targeting was....Ali! You know Ali was thinking, "Ahhh...so you're this season's Vienna....I couldn't get rid of her, but I can get rid of you!"...and those weren't notes she was taking on Melissa, I believe I saw the faint outline of a tombstone and a hanging rope.
Here's where I have to give Brad credit - I did not think he would send both Melissa and Raichel home, but he did. He's proven that, despite his willingness to keep Miss Twilight around, he is able to recognize blatant high school troublemakers and is willing to send them home....as long as they are not as hot as Michelle.
Sadest moment of the night - Keltie's exit interview. She was right - I think the costume did her in! But it was truly sad to hear her say, "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone"....in the words of Steven Tyler, she needs to just get back in the saddle again....I mean, come on - you can't tell me that a Rockette can't get a date.
Next week looks like there's more acting dates (yawn) and lots of good maladaptive behavior, with our resident mean girl, Michelle. Can't wait!
Oh...lest I forget - Happy 30th birthday, Michelle!
I have a feeling that every episode this season is going to start with Brad looking thoughtful while doing some completely irrelevant activity. This week it was palming a football at the edge of a cliff....for some reason the producers at ABC thought the combo of football and cliff = this guy is really serious about findng a wife....sure, we'll go with that. I also have a feeling that every week we will be reminded of Brad's failure to pick a woman during his last Bachelor go-round and of how he is truly a changed man and ready to find love this time....he's going to make it work, gosh darn it - even if it means having to marry a woman with fangs.
{Side note on our resident vampire, I never in a million years ever thought I would say this - she's not the craziest one in the bunch! We didn't get a see a lot of her this week, but I wonder if that's because her reflection doesn't show up on camera. Or she could have been overshadowed by Michelle since, in case you missed it, it was her birthday.}
Let me also say that I love Chris Harrison because you can tell how bored he is with his job. He essentially has the exact same script each year (and those of us who watch each season often find ourselves saying his lines along with him). To his credit, he slides in some under-the-radar verbal jabs from time to time in order to spice things up. This week though, he kind of phoned it in. How could he have done to Michelle on her birthday? (and her 30th birthday at that!)
So, Ashley H., the dentist who dances around in tube socks and short shorts, gets the first date and it's a one-on-one. She's pumped, some girls pretend to be excited for her, other girls shoot her evil looks. Ashley S. looks really bummed because she got the first impression rose and now feels like he might have picked a new favorite, or quite possibly confused the other Ashley with her....either way, it's not good. We flash forward to Brad coming to pick her up. Ashley H. bounces down the stairs in her dress that is 1/2 sequined gold (a la Las Vegas lounge singer (think Whoppie in Sister Act)) and 1/2 gold tutu (a la pimped out ballerina), all tied neatly together with a gold bow. There was so much wrong with this dress that it almost came together as a "right"....I said "almost."
Brad and Ashley drive together down the highway and turn off into the woods. Ashley H says that she's scared and jokes about something bad happening. That's right, hon, the producers have run out of date ideas so they've decided to throw in a wooded chainsaw murder date to liven things up. Seriously, how much danger can you be in when there is a whole camera crew there as witnesses....I'm sure at least the guy with the boom mic would step in to help if needed. As it turns out, there's no carnage in store, but rather a makeshift carnival. The camera catches these two lovebirds frolicking from ride to ride, eating cotton candy, and winning stuffed animals. Then we are treated to the sentiment that is uttered every season of the Bachelor (and I'm paraphrasing): "I want to make sure (name) can relax and have fun and act like a kid." Color me confused, but I thought acting like a child was a bad thing. When you tell something they are being childish, it's not usually meant as a compliment. But somewhere in the world of The Bachelor, being able to act like a child is right up there with honesty and trustworthiness as wanted virtues...this could explain the success rate of Bachelor couples.
There was a serious conversation at the end when both Brad and Ashley H. talked about their absent fathers. As a psychologist, I appreciated their ability for self-reflection...however, they seemed to conceptualize it as reasons why they both are guarded. Two guarded people does not make a match made in heaven. But Ashley H., determined to not be sent home, grabs Brad and pulls him in for a kiss. And thanks to the creative editing by the staff at ABC, it appears that the kiss goes on much longer than it really does. If you take careful note, you'll notice that Ashley H. initiates the majority of the kisses (and even asks, "Can we do that again?") - not a good sign. However, he's definitely not ready to send her home so he gives her a rose.
Next up is the group date. Melissa cannot believe that there will be 14 other women with her on her 30th birthday date. How dare they! It's clear to her that she is the right one for Brad, so she gets a little pissy that he needs to keep up the charade and go through all the other eliminations - remember, there will be fireworks when they kiss. {And as a side note, I didn't understand the superhuge (dinner plate-sized) earrings paired with the 80's ripped, Flashdance top....but she can wear what she wants - it's her birthday).
Maybe it's the fact that there is a vampire wanna-be in the group, but ABC decides that the girls will be involved in a PSA promoting blood donation for the Red Cross. Can I please say how sick and tired of all the "acting" related dates that have gone on in the past couple of seasons? They are so stupid! And let's face it, everyone does more acting off camera than on camera....Brad acts like he's a changed man, Raichel acts like her dresses fit her, Michelle acts like she has a soul....errrrr....you get my point. Highlights of this date include the following:
1) Melissa being cast a cougar because I know I'm not the only one questioning her stated age of 32
2) Keltie having to be the butch girl with the arm casts....and I have to say, she pulled off the comedic part of that very well.
3) Britt, the self-proclaimed prude, out-skanking Chantal (the not-self-proclaimed prude) and
4) the girls accusing Stacey of 'messing up on purpose" so she could get to kiss Brad more....that's just smart game-playing gals.
Two incidences earn some extra attention:
1) Melissa literally diving into Brad with an ambush kiss right to the fake mustache. The only word to describe his face is "horrified." Melissa has a thing for literally throwing herself at men - remember how she dove into Brad's arms screaming "Catch me!" on the first night?...geez, if this isn't a more blatant metaphor for how she handles her dating life, I don't know what is. Lest we forget, she will quickly remind us that she quit her job to be on the Bachelor...some would say that's confidence....given the fact that it's her, I'm going to put it in the delusional bucket.
2) Michelle's meltdown was classic! We now have a better understanding of why she said she doesn't have any girl friends. I think Brad handled it as well as he could, but you could definitely see some irritation and confusion on his face - guys tend to not "get" girl drama. But you know he was thinking, "Good thing you're hot...I just gotta keep you around until fantasy suite time." Besides, it's her birthday, she can be psycho if she wants.
The rooftop party was fairly uneventful, until Melissa reared her cougar temper. No matter how many times I watch that sequence of events, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Melissa and Raichel were fighting about. Even more confusing is that Raichel appeared to be the one trying to walk away from a confrontation, but it was Melissa who kept poking the bear with the stick! Raichel strikes me as the kind of gal who has a TKO or two under her belt, so the fact that Melissa didn't leave on a stretcher shows me that court-ordered anger management classes can help....either that or Raichel recognized that Melissa is c-r-a-z-y and was afraid that she would have the superhuman strength that sometimes accompanies active manic episodes.
The only other noteworthy part of the evening was that birthday girl Michelle got the rose at the end of the date. I am going to assume it was a birthday-pity rose....or a "thank God you're pretty enough to make up for your craziness rose"....hard to tell - those roses can look alike. Ever-modest Michelle took the opportunity to do a little victory dance in the pool, where she flaunted her rose in front of the 14 other roseless bachelorettes....again, I'm shocked blood was not shed.
The next one-on-one date was with Jackie. After episode one, I was feeling ambivalent about her, but after this episode....still ambivalent. She seemed a lot nicer this time around - I had been worried during the first episode that she would have the "behind-the-scenes-bitchiness" that plagues no less than 3 contestants every year. But she headed off to her Pretty Woman date. Now, this is where I would fail miserably on a show like this. My date would have played out like this:
Brad: Today, I'm taking you on this amazing Pretty Woman date where you are going to be pampered and treated like royalty.
Me: Royalty? Have you seen Pretty Woman? She's a prostitute! Do I look like a prostitute?
Brad: No...of course not. I'm just reading the cue cards they told me to read.
Me: Zip it, Dr. Phil protege - I'm no hooker, and you're no Richard Gere.
Hence why I comment on reality shows rather than star in them.
After a very blah, vanilla scene of them in robes with mud on their faces, Brad leads Jackie up to a room filled with dresses and accessories - a girl's dream. Jackie, the artist, proceeds to pick out the most boring, ill-fitting dress in the entire room. It seriously looked like a shiny Glad trash bag cinched around her waist. The jewelry was a nice touch (thanks Neil Lane!), but again - we've seen this date before on previous seasons (but never on Michelle's birthday)
After thanking Brad for the 1054th time, Jackie and he arrive at the Hollywood Bowl and Jackie is tickled pink that her name is on the marquee. They sit down to dinner that started off so boring I was tempted to flip to the BCS Championship game. My finger was on the button when Brad asked the million-dollar question:
"So, how many relationships have you had?"
Jackie admitted to only having two serious relationships and to have not dated in college. I am going to assume that Brad had been lulled into a bored state of dissociation and therefore misheard Jackie because he responded to her answer as if she had said, "I have never dated a man before because I have a tendency to murder them before the relationship can really take off."
While Brad sat there, looking as shaken up as Bobby Brown did during the infamous "Crack is whack" interview, Jackie stated that she picks her relationships carefully. I'm not seeing where the bad part is. Brad spins it to mean that she has commitment issues, at which point three words cross my mind: Pot. Kettle. Black. But Brad, after receiving assurance from Jackie that she is ready for a relationship, gives her a rose and reveals the surprise that Train is performing for them. Jackie looks confused - she's an artist, remember? She is not hip to the adult pop scene and has no idea who Train is, but she dances around and feigns happiness after the producers threaten to take her rose away.....She may not be a fan of Train - however, I am still holding out hope that she might be a Justin Beiber collage artist - only time will tell.
Rose ceremony - highlights:
1) Michelle pulling Brad aside to ask him "serious" questions such as where he prefers to get his coffee and what he stocks his fridge with. And like the high school girl she has not been about to grow out of, she assums that on the basis of his answers that they are soulmates. Michelle also takes the time to accuse him of having walls - and she does so in the most intrusive tone possible....one that would make anyone go on the defensive.
2) Emily proved that, if you have a cute little southern accent, you can get away with saying just about anything. I almost fell off the couch laughing when Michelle shared her questions to Brad with the ladies and Emily says, "Are you serious? Oh...I thought you were just being a smart-ass." Your stock in rising, Emily.
3) Melissa having absolutely no clue what an ass she is making of herself. She has yet to learn that being the "damsel in distress" only works when you are actually in distress...not when you are amid your own self-created drama. There's a reason most guys don't watch soap operas....Melissa has yet to figure out why.
4) Sweet Ashley S telling Melissa that she does not care about the drama between Melissa and Raichel and does not want to hear about it. I'm shocked at such healthy conflict resolution from one of the contestants, but quickly remember that Ashley S is a nanny - she's used to dealing with childish fights (and see? Childish is not a good thing!!)
4) Raichel, crying as she pops out of her Jersey Shore dress, stating that she wanted to look beautiful for Brad but is afraid that's ruined because she's crying. Don't worry Raichel, he's not looking your face.
5)Ali and Roberto returning to the show, both looking a little scraggly. "Carefully disheveled" is one thing - just plain messy is another.
6) Melissa telling Ali and Roberto that she's the targeted one in the house - did she not watch Jake's season? Because if she did, she'd quickly remember that Vienna was the targeted one in the house and the main person doing the targeting was....Ali! You know Ali was thinking, "Ahhh...so you're this season's Vienna....I couldn't get rid of her, but I can get rid of you!"...and those weren't notes she was taking on Melissa, I believe I saw the faint outline of a tombstone and a hanging rope.
Here's where I have to give Brad credit - I did not think he would send both Melissa and Raichel home, but he did. He's proven that, despite his willingness to keep Miss Twilight around, he is able to recognize blatant high school troublemakers and is willing to send them home....as long as they are not as hot as Michelle.
Sadest moment of the night - Keltie's exit interview. She was right - I think the costume did her in! But it was truly sad to hear her say, "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone"....in the words of Steven Tyler, she needs to just get back in the saddle again....I mean, come on - you can't tell me that a Rockette can't get a date.
Next week looks like there's more acting dates (yawn) and lots of good maladaptive behavior, with our resident mean girl, Michelle. Can't wait!
Oh...lest I forget - Happy 30th birthday, Michelle!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
It's Like De Ja Vu All Over Again
Before I give my thoughts on the opening episode of The Bachelor, I have to get a few things on the table.
1. I was not aware that the Bachelor was starting again until Daniel said, somewhat despondantly, "So I guess you will want me to DVR The Bachelor for you....?" One of the many reasons I'm marrying him.
2. I created this blog about The Bachelor not because I think my insights about the show are so astounding (they're not), but because during the past seasons of The Bachelor, many of my friends and I have sent countless emails/facebook messages back and forth, discussing this gem of a reality show. I think all my my friends are hilarious and yet many don't know each other, so I'm hoping that this will be the place where we can all share our Bachelor insights, funny observations, and "bless his/her heart" moments.
3. Just for the record, I understand why America hated Brad after his first run on The Bachelor....I get it, but I can't say that I felt it. I think he made an honest decision based on where he was at the time. Do I think that he should have probably figured out whether he has a commitment phobia before he agreed to go on a show where he is expected to propose to a relative stranger?...that might have been a good first step. Did he lead the girls on?....more than just a tad. Was it fairly tacky how he handled the situation? Heck yes! And while what he did was cringe-worthy, it's not really any worse than the other Bachelors who have proposed to someone, only to turn around a ditch them several months down the road (ahem ahem, Jake...cough cough, Bob). So, for the record, I'm not necessarily on Team Brad, but I'm not writing from a position of hatred either. Like any good psychologist, I'm hanging out in the gray area.
So, last night I settled in with my burrito bowl from Chipotle and felt actual butterflies of excitement as I saw The Bachelor intro....another season of dysfunction and I can hardly contain myself. I explained the importance of the first episode to Daniel (who conveniently called his parents, brother, and anyone else who was home while I watched The Bachelor) - when it's the Bachelorette and you have 25 guys, most of them can hide their pathology for at least 2 episodes....remember, we all loved Frank in the beginning! But girls....not so much. We usually get to see everyone's pathology on day 1....which leads to a ton of moments that leave me saying, "I'm so embarrassed for her!"
Why ABC felt the need to recap the whole Bachelor Brad: Part 1 fiasco is beyond me. I understand giving a quick intro, but 30 minutes was more than I needed. I will say this - as someone who works in the mental health field, I'm very happy that Brad went to see a therapist to work on his personal issues. See?....therapy works. But after the 15th time he said, "I'm not afraid to admit it - I went to therapy," I started to feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking, "You went to therapy....not to a voodoo doctor!" but I guess, even in our "enlightened" age, stigma still rears its ugly head.
My other favorite part about the recap was that, just as he was talking about how he is a changed man and on The Bachelor for the right reasons, all we saw was him running (with his shirt off), thinking (with his shirt off) and showering (sans shirt). Nothing says "I'm genuinely here to find my wife" like gratuitous bare pectoral shots - again, nice work ABC.
My least favorite part of the first episode of each season is the "ad lib" question and answer session with Chris Harrison.....until this season. I actually rewound Brad's reaction to finding out that Jenny and Deanna were there. I watched it twice....okay, three times. Part of me hated Chris Harrison for pulling this stunt...part of me thought it was brilliant. Jenny tried her hardest to be so sweet and optimistic, but Deanna pulled no punches. Even though Deanna has moved on and found love, she has clearly not forgotten Mr. Womack's unsavory past....and for that reason (along with her willingness to hold his feet to the fire) I have moved her from the "Ick" box and placed her into the "Most Triumphant" box. Way to go Deanna.
Now that Brad has been metaphorically kicked in the nads, he's ready to meet the 30 strangers from which he must pick his wife! Because I can't remember the order they came out of the limo in, I'm just going alphabetically. But before I get to the ladies, did anyone else feel like Brad was a bit desperate? I just kept having flashbacks to Sally Field's acceptance speech - "They like me!!! They really really like me!!!" I cringed for him numerous times. Alright, on to the ladies!!!
Alli: This woman obviously wants to be chosen for her brains and sparkling personality....which is why she chose to wear a green dress that barely covers her nipples. If the kid from Meet the Fockers was watching, his little fingers would have quickly tired from doing the sign for "milk". And, as if the boobs weren't enough, she is also the girl who asked Brad if she could handle her junk in the trunk. I thought she was surely not getting a rose....Mr. I'm-Here-To-Find-My-Wife decided otherwise.....go figure.
Ashley H: She's the dentist who likes to dance in Risky Business outfits. Initially I liked her, but in the sneak peak provided at the end of the show, it appears that wheels come off. One juicy tidbit showed her mouth being bleeped out as she cussed while on a group date....as a dentist, she should know that having filth fly out of one's mouth is not good for your dental health. But alas, she held it together for the first night and earned herself a trip to the next round. She's our front runner for the "Closet Crazy" award.
Ashley S: I was afraid that she would be all sob story (and her story is truly sad), but she is not leading with it and for that, I commend her. I knew she would get the First Impression Rose by being one of the only girls to not verbally flog Brad with questions about his past misbehavior. She's cute, sweet, and Southern....the killer trifecta for Brad. She's one of my front runners to make it all the way to the end.
Britnee: When I saw that she had the cojones to have Brad come get her from the limo, I thought, "We've got a real spitfire on our hands." And while it was a clever way to get his attention, I don't think she planned beyond that point because everything after that was bo-ring. I was expecting 4-alarm chili and got ketchup. I wasn't the only one left unimpressed....she went home roseless.
Britt: Bringing Brad food was a creative way to make herself memorable (she's a chef) and a no-brainer when it comes to men....feed them and they are happy. He may not take her to the end but no man is going to send home the chef on the first night.
Chantal: She gets my first "Oh honey no" of the night. Where do I begin? I think the alarm bells started ticking when she stated that she has just recently gotten divorced and "hates being alone." The alarm bells became audible when she stated that she is not good at the dating scene because she hates playing games....which begs the question - does she know what The Bachelor is? For someone who hates playing games, a reality TV show where grown women compete for a complete stranger as if he was the last man alive should be about as appealing as helping others is to Paris Hilton. I mean, the games are why we watch The Bachelor! Can you imagine how boring the show would be if everyone practiced good communication, honest intentions, and conflict resolution skills? Snooze fest 2011! But if that wasn't enough, my alarm bells practically exploded when she slapped Brad across the face upon first meeting him. Didn't anyone tell her that hitting the boy you like on the playground was supposed to have stopped at age 6?...apparently not....and apparently Brad has some masochistic tendencies because she got a rose.
Cristy:......?
Emily: Another really sad story (I actually welled up a little as I watched), but again, she did not lead with it so she's good in my book. Brad is clearly taken with her beauty (she is stunning) and the South Carolina Southern drawl is just the icing on the cake. Not entirely sure how Brad feels about being involved with a woman who already has a child, but her beauty and sweetness is enough to take her far. My only hope is that she doesn't get in her own way or that she becomes an emotional wreck. I think she'll make it to the final three but don't think she'll go the distance. But for now she has a rose.
J: Call me crazy, but I liked her....unfortunately, Brad did not. She seemed genuine and confident (but not in an obnoxious way). My favorite J moment was her face when Keltie was trying to teach Brad how to high kick. At that point, she probably wished she would be sent home so she didn't have to actually live with these girls....and for her own sanity sake, Brad granted that wish.
Jackie: The jury's out on this one. She's one of the girls in a bright yellow dress. She's an artist, but came across more like a Bieber-loving, valley girl. I guess they didn't say what kind of artist she is....she could be a Bieber Collage artist. There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but unfortunately, I think she will go far based on the sneak peak shots. Regardless, she's going to have to put making air-brushed Bieber t-shirts on hold for a while bc she got a rose.
Jill: A cautionary tale to the next generation: Do not let the first words out of your mouth to a man be "I can't wait to get married." Especially if that man had nation news-worthy commitment phobias. Try starting with your name, maybe your occupation...."I want to bear your children" is something you have to ease into. Had she not led with such "excitement" I think she would have gotten a rose....but, the damage was done and she was sent home.
Keltie: Although Daniel refuses to watch The Bachelor, he does occassionally come into the room when I'm watching it. Right as Keltie came bounding out of the limo, he came in to grab his book and uttered my favorite quote of the evening, "She looks like Steven Tyler in a dress!" That image was permanently burned into my head and now all I can think when I see her is, "I don't want to close my eyes....." However, I actually do want to close my eyes because Keltie makes me very uncomfortable. If she can tone it down, she may become palatable, but I don't think I'm going to have to endure her for much longer. I'm just glad she didn't form a kick line when she got a rose.
Kimberly: Proving that Brad is a glutton for punishment, Kimberly advanced to the next stage after grilling Brad and stating that she didn't want to get "screwed over." Again, strong and confident is one thing....rude and intrusive is another. Masochistic Brad gave her a rose anyways.
Lacey: Couldn't really focus on her because I was too focused on the fact that she was wearing the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding...and in the same exact color!!! The good news was that I loved the way it looked on her (she was pretty too). I was so distracted by the dress I can't remember much else....and neither could Brad, so he sent her home.
Lauren: Not a fan. I think she was aiming for "comically snarky" but ended up projecting "PMS-ing irritation." I felt like she was preparing for her exit before she even stepped out of the limo and I loved her "in promptu" speech at the end when she cried over this love lost and informed America that Brad would not find anyone better than her....let's agree to disagree.
Lindsay: Unfortunately reminds me of someone I don't like so I was heckling her from the moment she stepped out of the limo. For me, her bold choice of wearing red as a red-head did not pay off, but there were so many roses to give out....someone had to get one.
Lisa M: There's no place like home - and, at least for now, she doesn't have to go home. I swear she looked about 12-years-old and the fact that she referenced a childhood classic didn't help matters. But it was a clever way to get noticed and a great way to utilize her free time before recess.
Lisa P: Completely unforgettable....best personality....beautiful smile....okay, I'm lying - I can't remember who she is.
Madison: Chantal may have received the first "O honey no" of the evening, but Madison got the loudest. I actually audibly groaned at the TV. When she first talked about the fangs, I thought she would (at most) have them on when she met Brad as a way to be remembered, but then quickly take them off once she was inside. But no...she kept those suckers (get it?) on all night. Not only that, but she has adopted a way of carrying herself that reminds me of my patients when they start abusing their pain medications....droopy, dazed, and off-putting. The thing that bothers me most is that it's an act. If you look at her photo on The Bachelor website, she looks like she bounced off the cover of Teen Vogue. Yet she is trying to be dark and mysterious. This was another moment that had me going, "I see how serious you are about finding love, Brad!" But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always think there is one woman who the producers say, "I know she's crazy, but you can't cut her." Remember Michelle from Jake's season? Meet the new Michelle.
Marissa: I love her and he loves that she loves sports! That's a lot of love and when you put it all together, it means she got a rose. I hope she goes far, but don't think she will. (middle of the pack)
Meghan: Personally, I HATED the shoes...and couldn't get passed them. She's lucky she's trying to win the love of a man....a woman would never have let her get by with those gunboats on her feet. Seriously, they were huge and loud....they were Alli (green dress) as shoes. But like Ms. Big Booty, Meghan gets to stay.
Melissa: If she can tone it down, she has potential. The whole "catch me" bit was too much and I personally would have laughed so hard if Brad fell over. I wonder if they had to do several takes of that. She got a rose, but she's on probation in my book....she better drop the act or she's going to get dropped.
Michelle: If anyone is going to give Ashley H. a run for her money on the "Closet Crazy" award, it's Michelle. The moment she uttered the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends with the other girls...." I knew we had our resident troublemaker. And the fact that she is gorgeous means that she will probably stay longer than expected. I love how Bachelor contestants think that explaining how their intention is not to make friends somehow excuses the flood of nasty behavior they are about to air. If looks could kill, many of those girls would be dead. I feel like she's a slightly different version of Trish (from Jesse Palmer's "amazing" season) - I think Brad will get to see a very different side of her than what she shows to the rest of the girl.
Renee: Traditionally, I have always unconditionally cheered for the girls from Illinois (go Jen!)...but I just couldn't cheer for Renee. When you come across as immature relative to the rest of The Bachelor contestants, you have some serious growing up to do. I almost expected her to slip Brad a note that read: "I heart you - Do you want to talk to me? Check "Yes" "No" or "Maybe"" Watching her reminded of that great episode of Sex and the City where Carries boyfriend informs the ladies that if a man wants to go up to your place at the end of a date, nothing (not an early day the next day, not an impending deadline....nothing) will stop him. I felt like telling Renee, "If he really wants to talk to you for more than 30 seconds, he would tell the other women he'll be right with them after he finishes his conversation with you." Do you think she ever noticed the look of relief on his face every time someone came to "steal him away" from her?
Raichel: She'll forever be known as "The Manscaper." I like her but feel she is more cut out for Jerseylicious than The Bachelor. In an alternate universe, I think we would be friends, but I think her time on the show is limited. Also, as we saw in the shirtless montage of Brad, he doesn't have much hair to be waxed.
Rebecca: She's done her homework and she knows that the girls who get kisses on the first night tend to at least make it past the first round....well, some streaks are meant to be broken. It's back to kissing frogs, my dear.
Sarah L: The most interesting thing about her (other than the fact that she was missing the top part of her gown) is that she cannot snap her fingers.....well, I can't whistle and I can honestly say that that's never been a selling point with the fellas. If that's the best you've got, you're going home (and make it snappy.....(groan) - I couldn't resist)
Sarah P: She took it to the next level and actually had Brad propose to her. I'm fairly certain he was fantasizing about Emily when he was down on one knee, but in the confusion he still gave her a rose.
Shawntal: The only woman with a better job than Raichel....she's a professional embalmer!!! Keeping her may have been a tactical move - if Madison fangs anyone to death, Shawntal will know what to do! On a serious note (as if embalming were not a serious topic), I like her in a weird way....but no worries, I'm not going to get a pair of fangs of my own. In a weird way, Brad liked her too and gave her a rose (not sure he knows about her plans for him and the mausoleum, though)
Stacey: She's the wicked awesome bartender from Boston. I like her but don't want to get too attached because I think she's going to be mixing up dirty martinis very soon. She appeared calm and confident, but I think Brad may be looking for someone who is going to gush all over him...black dress with chains on it does not signify a gusher.
Whew...and those lovely ladies are who Brad gets to pick from. Because the producers and casting directors at ABC are natural matchmakers, I'm certain that Brad will fall head over heels in love with at least one woman and finally get his happily ever after....for at least 6 months after the final rose (if we're basing this prediction on past Bachelor performance)
1. I was not aware that the Bachelor was starting again until Daniel said, somewhat despondantly, "So I guess you will want me to DVR The Bachelor for you....?" One of the many reasons I'm marrying him.
2. I created this blog about The Bachelor not because I think my insights about the show are so astounding (they're not), but because during the past seasons of The Bachelor, many of my friends and I have sent countless emails/facebook messages back and forth, discussing this gem of a reality show. I think all my my friends are hilarious and yet many don't know each other, so I'm hoping that this will be the place where we can all share our Bachelor insights, funny observations, and "bless his/her heart" moments.
3. Just for the record, I understand why America hated Brad after his first run on The Bachelor....I get it, but I can't say that I felt it. I think he made an honest decision based on where he was at the time. Do I think that he should have probably figured out whether he has a commitment phobia before he agreed to go on a show where he is expected to propose to a relative stranger?...that might have been a good first step. Did he lead the girls on?....more than just a tad. Was it fairly tacky how he handled the situation? Heck yes! And while what he did was cringe-worthy, it's not really any worse than the other Bachelors who have proposed to someone, only to turn around a ditch them several months down the road (ahem ahem, Jake...cough cough, Bob). So, for the record, I'm not necessarily on Team Brad, but I'm not writing from a position of hatred either. Like any good psychologist, I'm hanging out in the gray area.
So, last night I settled in with my burrito bowl from Chipotle and felt actual butterflies of excitement as I saw The Bachelor intro....another season of dysfunction and I can hardly contain myself. I explained the importance of the first episode to Daniel (who conveniently called his parents, brother, and anyone else who was home while I watched The Bachelor) - when it's the Bachelorette and you have 25 guys, most of them can hide their pathology for at least 2 episodes....remember, we all loved Frank in the beginning! But girls....not so much. We usually get to see everyone's pathology on day 1....which leads to a ton of moments that leave me saying, "I'm so embarrassed for her!"
Why ABC felt the need to recap the whole Bachelor Brad: Part 1 fiasco is beyond me. I understand giving a quick intro, but 30 minutes was more than I needed. I will say this - as someone who works in the mental health field, I'm very happy that Brad went to see a therapist to work on his personal issues. See?....therapy works. But after the 15th time he said, "I'm not afraid to admit it - I went to therapy," I started to feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking, "You went to therapy....not to a voodoo doctor!" but I guess, even in our "enlightened" age, stigma still rears its ugly head.
My other favorite part about the recap was that, just as he was talking about how he is a changed man and on The Bachelor for the right reasons, all we saw was him running (with his shirt off), thinking (with his shirt off) and showering (sans shirt). Nothing says "I'm genuinely here to find my wife" like gratuitous bare pectoral shots - again, nice work ABC.
My least favorite part of the first episode of each season is the "ad lib" question and answer session with Chris Harrison.....until this season. I actually rewound Brad's reaction to finding out that Jenny and Deanna were there. I watched it twice....okay, three times. Part of me hated Chris Harrison for pulling this stunt...part of me thought it was brilliant. Jenny tried her hardest to be so sweet and optimistic, but Deanna pulled no punches. Even though Deanna has moved on and found love, she has clearly not forgotten Mr. Womack's unsavory past....and for that reason (along with her willingness to hold his feet to the fire) I have moved her from the "Ick" box and placed her into the "Most Triumphant" box. Way to go Deanna.
Now that Brad has been metaphorically kicked in the nads, he's ready to meet the 30 strangers from which he must pick his wife! Because I can't remember the order they came out of the limo in, I'm just going alphabetically. But before I get to the ladies, did anyone else feel like Brad was a bit desperate? I just kept having flashbacks to Sally Field's acceptance speech - "They like me!!! They really really like me!!!" I cringed for him numerous times. Alright, on to the ladies!!!
Alli: This woman obviously wants to be chosen for her brains and sparkling personality....which is why she chose to wear a green dress that barely covers her nipples. If the kid from Meet the Fockers was watching, his little fingers would have quickly tired from doing the sign for "milk". And, as if the boobs weren't enough, she is also the girl who asked Brad if she could handle her junk in the trunk. I thought she was surely not getting a rose....Mr. I'm-Here-To-Find-My-Wife decided otherwise.....go figure.
Ashley H: She's the dentist who likes to dance in Risky Business outfits. Initially I liked her, but in the sneak peak provided at the end of the show, it appears that wheels come off. One juicy tidbit showed her mouth being bleeped out as she cussed while on a group date....as a dentist, she should know that having filth fly out of one's mouth is not good for your dental health. But alas, she held it together for the first night and earned herself a trip to the next round. She's our front runner for the "Closet Crazy" award.
Ashley S: I was afraid that she would be all sob story (and her story is truly sad), but she is not leading with it and for that, I commend her. I knew she would get the First Impression Rose by being one of the only girls to not verbally flog Brad with questions about his past misbehavior. She's cute, sweet, and Southern....the killer trifecta for Brad. She's one of my front runners to make it all the way to the end.
Britnee: When I saw that she had the cojones to have Brad come get her from the limo, I thought, "We've got a real spitfire on our hands." And while it was a clever way to get his attention, I don't think she planned beyond that point because everything after that was bo-ring. I was expecting 4-alarm chili and got ketchup. I wasn't the only one left unimpressed....she went home roseless.
Britt: Bringing Brad food was a creative way to make herself memorable (she's a chef) and a no-brainer when it comes to men....feed them and they are happy. He may not take her to the end but no man is going to send home the chef on the first night.
Chantal: She gets my first "Oh honey no" of the night. Where do I begin? I think the alarm bells started ticking when she stated that she has just recently gotten divorced and "hates being alone." The alarm bells became audible when she stated that she is not good at the dating scene because she hates playing games....which begs the question - does she know what The Bachelor is? For someone who hates playing games, a reality TV show where grown women compete for a complete stranger as if he was the last man alive should be about as appealing as helping others is to Paris Hilton. I mean, the games are why we watch The Bachelor! Can you imagine how boring the show would be if everyone practiced good communication, honest intentions, and conflict resolution skills? Snooze fest 2011! But if that wasn't enough, my alarm bells practically exploded when she slapped Brad across the face upon first meeting him. Didn't anyone tell her that hitting the boy you like on the playground was supposed to have stopped at age 6?...apparently not....and apparently Brad has some masochistic tendencies because she got a rose.
Cristy:......?
Emily: Another really sad story (I actually welled up a little as I watched), but again, she did not lead with it so she's good in my book. Brad is clearly taken with her beauty (she is stunning) and the South Carolina Southern drawl is just the icing on the cake. Not entirely sure how Brad feels about being involved with a woman who already has a child, but her beauty and sweetness is enough to take her far. My only hope is that she doesn't get in her own way or that she becomes an emotional wreck. I think she'll make it to the final three but don't think she'll go the distance. But for now she has a rose.
J: Call me crazy, but I liked her....unfortunately, Brad did not. She seemed genuine and confident (but not in an obnoxious way). My favorite J moment was her face when Keltie was trying to teach Brad how to high kick. At that point, she probably wished she would be sent home so she didn't have to actually live with these girls....and for her own sanity sake, Brad granted that wish.
Jackie: The jury's out on this one. She's one of the girls in a bright yellow dress. She's an artist, but came across more like a Bieber-loving, valley girl. I guess they didn't say what kind of artist she is....she could be a Bieber Collage artist. There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but unfortunately, I think she will go far based on the sneak peak shots. Regardless, she's going to have to put making air-brushed Bieber t-shirts on hold for a while bc she got a rose.
Jill: A cautionary tale to the next generation: Do not let the first words out of your mouth to a man be "I can't wait to get married." Especially if that man had nation news-worthy commitment phobias. Try starting with your name, maybe your occupation...."I want to bear your children" is something you have to ease into. Had she not led with such "excitement" I think she would have gotten a rose....but, the damage was done and she was sent home.
Keltie: Although Daniel refuses to watch The Bachelor, he does occassionally come into the room when I'm watching it. Right as Keltie came bounding out of the limo, he came in to grab his book and uttered my favorite quote of the evening, "She looks like Steven Tyler in a dress!" That image was permanently burned into my head and now all I can think when I see her is, "I don't want to close my eyes....." However, I actually do want to close my eyes because Keltie makes me very uncomfortable. If she can tone it down, she may become palatable, but I don't think I'm going to have to endure her for much longer. I'm just glad she didn't form a kick line when she got a rose.
Kimberly: Proving that Brad is a glutton for punishment, Kimberly advanced to the next stage after grilling Brad and stating that she didn't want to get "screwed over." Again, strong and confident is one thing....rude and intrusive is another. Masochistic Brad gave her a rose anyways.
Lacey: Couldn't really focus on her because I was too focused on the fact that she was wearing the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding...and in the same exact color!!! The good news was that I loved the way it looked on her (she was pretty too). I was so distracted by the dress I can't remember much else....and neither could Brad, so he sent her home.
Lauren: Not a fan. I think she was aiming for "comically snarky" but ended up projecting "PMS-ing irritation." I felt like she was preparing for her exit before she even stepped out of the limo and I loved her "in promptu" speech at the end when she cried over this love lost and informed America that Brad would not find anyone better than her....let's agree to disagree.
Lindsay: Unfortunately reminds me of someone I don't like so I was heckling her from the moment she stepped out of the limo. For me, her bold choice of wearing red as a red-head did not pay off, but there were so many roses to give out....someone had to get one.
Lisa M: There's no place like home - and, at least for now, she doesn't have to go home. I swear she looked about 12-years-old and the fact that she referenced a childhood classic didn't help matters. But it was a clever way to get noticed and a great way to utilize her free time before recess.
Lisa P: Completely unforgettable....best personality....beautiful smile....okay, I'm lying - I can't remember who she is.
Madison: Chantal may have received the first "O honey no" of the evening, but Madison got the loudest. I actually audibly groaned at the TV. When she first talked about the fangs, I thought she would (at most) have them on when she met Brad as a way to be remembered, but then quickly take them off once she was inside. But no...she kept those suckers (get it?) on all night. Not only that, but she has adopted a way of carrying herself that reminds me of my patients when they start abusing their pain medications....droopy, dazed, and off-putting. The thing that bothers me most is that it's an act. If you look at her photo on The Bachelor website, she looks like she bounced off the cover of Teen Vogue. Yet she is trying to be dark and mysterious. This was another moment that had me going, "I see how serious you are about finding love, Brad!" But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always think there is one woman who the producers say, "I know she's crazy, but you can't cut her." Remember Michelle from Jake's season? Meet the new Michelle.
Marissa: I love her and he loves that she loves sports! That's a lot of love and when you put it all together, it means she got a rose. I hope she goes far, but don't think she will. (middle of the pack)
Meghan: Personally, I HATED the shoes...and couldn't get passed them. She's lucky she's trying to win the love of a man....a woman would never have let her get by with those gunboats on her feet. Seriously, they were huge and loud....they were Alli (green dress) as shoes. But like Ms. Big Booty, Meghan gets to stay.
Melissa: If she can tone it down, she has potential. The whole "catch me" bit was too much and I personally would have laughed so hard if Brad fell over. I wonder if they had to do several takes of that. She got a rose, but she's on probation in my book....she better drop the act or she's going to get dropped.
Michelle: If anyone is going to give Ashley H. a run for her money on the "Closet Crazy" award, it's Michelle. The moment she uttered the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends with the other girls...." I knew we had our resident troublemaker. And the fact that she is gorgeous means that she will probably stay longer than expected. I love how Bachelor contestants think that explaining how their intention is not to make friends somehow excuses the flood of nasty behavior they are about to air. If looks could kill, many of those girls would be dead. I feel like she's a slightly different version of Trish (from Jesse Palmer's "amazing" season) - I think Brad will get to see a very different side of her than what she shows to the rest of the girl.
Renee: Traditionally, I have always unconditionally cheered for the girls from Illinois (go Jen!)...but I just couldn't cheer for Renee. When you come across as immature relative to the rest of The Bachelor contestants, you have some serious growing up to do. I almost expected her to slip Brad a note that read: "I heart you - Do you want to talk to me? Check "Yes" "No" or "Maybe"" Watching her reminded of that great episode of Sex and the City where Carries boyfriend informs the ladies that if a man wants to go up to your place at the end of a date, nothing (not an early day the next day, not an impending deadline....nothing) will stop him. I felt like telling Renee, "If he really wants to talk to you for more than 30 seconds, he would tell the other women he'll be right with them after he finishes his conversation with you." Do you think she ever noticed the look of relief on his face every time someone came to "steal him away" from her?
Raichel: She'll forever be known as "The Manscaper." I like her but feel she is more cut out for Jerseylicious than The Bachelor. In an alternate universe, I think we would be friends, but I think her time on the show is limited. Also, as we saw in the shirtless montage of Brad, he doesn't have much hair to be waxed.
Rebecca: She's done her homework and she knows that the girls who get kisses on the first night tend to at least make it past the first round....well, some streaks are meant to be broken. It's back to kissing frogs, my dear.
Sarah L: The most interesting thing about her (other than the fact that she was missing the top part of her gown) is that she cannot snap her fingers.....well, I can't whistle and I can honestly say that that's never been a selling point with the fellas. If that's the best you've got, you're going home (and make it snappy.....(groan) - I couldn't resist)
Sarah P: She took it to the next level and actually had Brad propose to her. I'm fairly certain he was fantasizing about Emily when he was down on one knee, but in the confusion he still gave her a rose.
Shawntal: The only woman with a better job than Raichel....she's a professional embalmer!!! Keeping her may have been a tactical move - if Madison fangs anyone to death, Shawntal will know what to do! On a serious note (as if embalming were not a serious topic), I like her in a weird way....but no worries, I'm not going to get a pair of fangs of my own. In a weird way, Brad liked her too and gave her a rose (not sure he knows about her plans for him and the mausoleum, though)
Stacey: She's the wicked awesome bartender from Boston. I like her but don't want to get too attached because I think she's going to be mixing up dirty martinis very soon. She appeared calm and confident, but I think Brad may be looking for someone who is going to gush all over him...black dress with chains on it does not signify a gusher.
Whew...and those lovely ladies are who Brad gets to pick from. Because the producers and casting directors at ABC are natural matchmakers, I'm certain that Brad will fall head over heels in love with at least one woman and finally get his happily ever after....for at least 6 months after the final rose (if we're basing this prediction on past Bachelor performance)
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