What a week! This episode definitely made up for some of the snooze-fest episodes we had to endure at the beginning of the season....but this is why we watch, right?
Like last week, we follow the graphic arts plane to the next location: Anguilla. The sunny skies, sandy beaches and beautiful sunsets remind us of St. Lucia and we start scanning for Vienna in her frilly-bottomed teal bikini. Thankfully, neither she nor Jake are anywhere to be found. But ever-reliable Chris Harrison pops up to tell the girls about the week. In what is somewhat foretelling of the rule-breaking that is going to be going on this episode, Chris informs the remaining bachelorettes that there will be 3 one-on-one dates and one group date...however, there will be no roses on the individual dates, but there will be one up for grabs on the group date. So, in a way, it's actually better to be on the group date...go figure! Regardless, Michelle knows that she will get an individual date this time to make up for Brad breaking his promise not to repel with anyone but her!
The first date card is for Emily and everyone in TV land lets out a collective "awwww." She states that she is looking forward to her and Brad getting past those initial butterfly stages....I'm looking forward to Brad showing an ounce of charisma. We all feel bummed for Britt because she still has not had a one-on-one date, but we assure ourselves that she will get the next one - if she doesn't, I'm going to start spouting my theory that he is her cousin who is there to spy on the other girls (a la Jesse Palmer's season)...which would be awesome...but which would also give their make-out scenes a whole new meaning.
Brad picks up Emily and surprise surprise - they get picked up in a helicopter (groan). Emily gushes about how flattered she is that Brad went through all this trouble for her date and I try to suffocate myself with a throw pillow - I love Emily....why is she making all my pet peeve mistakes?! Let's go through this one more time....Brad has nothing, and I mean 0%, to do with planning the dates. Therefore, don't be surprised when, after the show is over and he no longer has an intern setting everything up for him, he becomes the most unromantic, boring man ever. Really, it's not fair to set these girls up, but then again anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together should have already figured this one out.
The helicopter takes Brad and Emily to their own private island....which is really just a sandbar with a manshift leanto on it. Emily is excited and I wince at the thought of being on a deserted island with Brad....that would mean that we would have to strike up a conversation and let's just say chatting up the ladies has not proven to be his strong suit.
Brad admits to being really nervous around Emily and I think maybe this explains his awkwardness. Emily is flattered by it and they talk about how much they like each other and Emily makes the comment that she had originally stated their relationship would not work out unless the sun and the moon were there together...which, conveniently they are. I'm confused because I don't ever recall her saying that....but, if she did in fact say that, the intern who planned this date needs a raise pronto because that was genius!
At dinner we are treated to a lovely meal on the beach and another round of the braided bang hairstyle. Thankfully, due to creative editing, we get to the meat and potatoes of this meal quickly. Brad wants to know if he will get to meet Emily's daughter, Ricky, on the hometown date. Emily sighs and Brad gets flustered. This single moment did two things for me:
1) Made me love Emily and respect her as a mother even more. This is her child, not her puppy dog, and she has every right to be protective of her daughter...she's her mother. Her behavior, is of course in contrast to Michelle's behavior in which she talks about her daughter like the newest accessory - "I can't wait to bring you to meet my daughter! Don't worry, she won't be confused or traumatized, I bring new men over all the time to meet her."
2) Made me actually dislike Brad....who is now known as Mr. Selfish. Yes, I can understand that he would like to meet Emily's daughter since she is such an important part of Emily's life (and would be a significant aspect of his life if he and Emily ended up together) - I get that. But the fact that he could not see or respect that Emily is just being a good mom really bothered me. So now he's selfish and boring....remind me why he's the Bachelor.
In the first of several rule-breaking moments, Brad tells Emily outright that she is getting a rose at the next ceremony....so this whole "Will you introduce me to your daughter or won't you?" is not a hypothetical - it's going to happen....and you have one week to make that huge decision Em....good luck! You know that when he told her he was going to give her a rose, that poor intern was thinking, "I'm getting fired! After all the over-the-top romantic dates I plan, I'm going to get fired because Brad has gone rogue!" But are we really to be surprised that Brad has difficulty staying within the lines? I mean, the only reason we're on Brad's Season: The Sequel is because Brad refused to pick anyone at the end of his first season...that's breaking the cardinal rule of the Bachelor...you must pick someone - even Bob Guiney gave Estella a diamond friendship ring before dumping her for a soap opera star.
Emily's date ends and we find out, through another datecard, that Shawtal is the recipient of the next one-on-one date. The camera immediately goes to Britt and we all just cringe in embarrassment for her. The card might as well said, "Dear Not Britt" - I felt so bad for her and she clearly was getting worried herself.
But I quickly bounce back because I adore Shawntal and am excited that she (and not Michelle) got the second one-on-one date. Thankfully Shawtal does not know that Emily was whisked away to a private island...if she did, her date of riding bikes around the farmer's market might feel a little inferior. She and Brad ride their bikes, drink coconut milk straight from the coconut and chat up Ms. Cleo's cousin, Auntie B. Auntie B. has some sage advice for our little lovebirds - they should hold hands and maybe kiss. She clearly has never seen The Bachelor or heard of the infamous "fantasy suite." This date reminds me of Jake's date with Gia....but then I remember that Gia got sent home at the rose ceremony after the date and I start to worry for Shawntal.
Emily and Brad had a wonderful time watching both the sun and moon while on a deserted island....Shawntal and Brad set up a picnic in someone's backyard where there are goats....I'm just saying. But Shawntal is game for this and gathers up the cajones to tell Brad she is falling for him. He seems pleased with this news and we clearly see that he is not as smitten with her as he is with Emily. And for anyone who missed that, he outright says that this date is not at the same level as his date was with Emily. I cross my fingers and pray that the date-planning intern gets back his A-game and plans something amazing for the evening.
Dinner is being served at what looks like a deserted resort. Brad and Shawntal set up shop in a little thatch hut on the water. It's cute. They talk about Brad's father leaving and Shawntal asks if it's awkward for Brad to hear about her family and father since they are really close. Brad confesses that he doesn't usually talk about his dad and they he loves how comfortable he is with Shawntal. My worry grows.....there's something about the way he always compliments her with words like "comfortable" and "relaxed"...these are friend words. But, I hold out hope when Brad says he (meaning the intern) has something amazing planned and they kiss in the rain....I just didn't know that the "something awesome" was Bankie Banx, the most famous Aguillan musician. Why Brad needs to tell is this is beyond me....it's as if Aguilla is just bursting at the seams with future Grammy winners. Shawntal looks hella confused and I internally curse the ABC intern for giving Shawntal the worst one-on-one date in Bachelor history. I think Michelle slipped the intern $50 and some tongue to sabatoge the date....well done, intern.
In order to escape the musical stylings of Bankie Banx, Shawntal makes a break for the ocean. We get a glimpse of the butterfly tatoo on her back....which would not have been so bad if the butterfly didn't look like something out of the Mezozoic Era. Daniel popped in at this very moment to say hello and goes, "That's going to look great in 10 years."....see, Brad? That's charisma.
Meanwhile, back at the temporary homestead, my spy-theory is blown out of the water when Britt receives the last one-on-one date. Even though this means they will be on the group date, Ashley H and Chantal seem genuinely glad that Britt finally gets a one-on-one date. Michelle feels nothing of the sort and gives Britt the stink-eye.
Brad admits that Britt is behind and I fight back the urge to yell at the TV, "Yeah, well who's fault is that?" At this point the only thing Brad knows about Britt is what toothpaste she uses and what the back of her throat feels like....that's it. So, when he picks her up, I couldn't help but feel that the date was either going to be incredible or a total flop...no in-between. And within 5 minutes, I sadly realized it was the latter....and so did Brad.
The intern, pissed at Brad for breaking the rules and worried that he is going to get fired, has clearly given up hope and given up planning awesome dates. Brad and Britt walk down to the beach where Brad announces that there's a yacht waiting for them....they just have to swim 2 miles to get to it. Britt, the ex-gymnast, is not phased by this and jumps right in. At this moment, I actually wished that Michelle had been the one on this date as I would have loved to see her struggle through this one.
Once aboard the yacht, Britt and Brad struggle for conversation. He tells the camera that he's worried there's no sexual chemistry between them and I start to think that she really might be his cousin. The yacht pulls up to a place called Little Bay and Brad tells Britt that they are going to be cliff diving. I, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see things) just recently saw a cliff-diving internet clip on Tosh.O that did not go so well....so, as they climbed, I prepared myself to watch someone get really hurt. Brad jumped first and Britt was left all alone at the top of the cliff. Despite her shaking bones, she jumped off and managed to impress Brad, who informed the camera that he still didn't feel like kissing Britt. Bummer.
All of a sudden it's night and Brad and Britt are back on the yacht. Britt is sporting a color I think only she can pull off and Brad is looking uncomfortable. Brad confesses that he doesn't see a future with Britt and decides to break the rules for the second time in one episode! It's like the date with Alli all over again. And, just like Allie, Britt doesn't sense it coming and makes matters worse by saying that the day couldn't have gone any better.....really? That's a pretty low standard for "amazing date." Brad at least lets her finish her meal so she will have the energy to swim back to shore after he dumps her. Meanwhile, the intern is getting liquored up on the lower deck of the yacht. Britt attempts to convince Brad that if he just got to know her, he might feel differently, but Brad points out that he took a lot of heat last time for stringing girls along and he can't take that bad publicity again....his mind is made up and she's got to go.
In one last gesture of kindness, he lets her take a dinghy back to shore, but apparently does not let her take her shoes. She walks barefooted back to the house where she is excitedly greeted by Ashley and Chantal, who want to hear all about the date. Britt tells them, "I'm packing," and they try to cover their excitement with looks of concern. Britt, in what could have been an awesome move, explains that "it just wasn't there" for them, making it sound like a mutual decision. She unfortunately forgot that once the show aired we would all know the truth....but at least, in that moment, she was the coolest girl in the house.
So, in case we hadn't had our fill of awkwardness, the disgruntled intern has decided to punish everyone with the next group date, including our Bachelor. Michelle, Chantal, and Ashley are all awakened at the crack of dawn and it's clear there is not a morning-person in the bunch.
They arrive at some makeshift studio to find out that they will be participating in a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition. Chantal states she wished she had not eaten so much and then proceeds to stand in the most unflattering poses. For the first time, Ashley makes me laugh not out of embarrassment for her by discussing her lack of rack and shouting "No boobs!" Narcissitic Michelle calmly sips on her coffee and informs the camera that she's comfortable with all this because she's done "a little modeling"....let's not get ahead of ourselves - sending naked text photos of yourself to someone you met in the bar is not modeling, sweetheart.
Out of the beach, Ashley is up first and really gets into the shoot....no boobs and all. The director suggests she takes off her top and I think there's no way that the tube sock-wearing, cavity-filling dentist will go for that. Cut to the shot of her holding two sea shells in front of her chest. Not to be outdone, Chantal is next. Despite feeling insecure, Chantal decides that she just needs to go for it. She also opts to take a few shots sans top, but there's a big difference between her and Ashley....a BIG difference. Lack of boobs is not a problem for Chantal and she has some difficulty making sure that the girls are covered. Even Brad feels slightly uncomfortable.
Michelle, being the classy woman (not girl) that she is would not dream of exposing her slightly-real breasts. So, she opts for dry humping Brad on the sand. Brad admits to "getting caught up" in their passion and therefore not realizing until it was too late that it was a total d-bag thing to do in front of the two other girls. Brad already knows that the rest of the date is going to be hell.
The "pool party" portion of the date was excruciating. I don't know if it was being in a bikini or having had to watch Brad drool over other girls in various stages of nudity that did it, but all the bachelorettes' insecurities came flying out. Even Michelle looked less confident than her usual egocentric self. There were tears to be shed and several times both Chantal and Ashley questioned why they were there and asked to be sent home if Brad wasn't sure he wanted to keep them. Chantal has tried this move 3 times now and it has never brought about immediate gratification - but bless her heart, she keeps trying. Ashley, on the other hand, earned a rose from the Brad, who did it to assure her that he wanted to keep her around. Ashley and I have been on the rocks recently, but compared to the other two head cases on the date, I don't blame Brad for picking her.
One of two highlights of the date was Brad's conversation with Michelle. He informs her that he's worried they are too much alike...stubborn, strong-willed, etc. Michelle quickly tells him that she's the first to admit it when she's wrong....it's just that she's never wrong. Brad's body language throughout their conversation was very telling - he literally was turned away from her....awesome.
The other highlight was Chantal's 543rd breakdown. Again she pleaded with Brad to send her home if he wasn't sure about her. Brad, mesmerized by her knockers, tried to assure her that they were okay. But he looked exasperated and I'm sure he was secretly wishing he was back on the deserted island with Emily.
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ashley, secure because she already has a rose, has decided that there's no need to dress to impress and wears her comfortable black pajamas. Shawntal wishes the MIA intern would have given her the heads up about the wind because she would have worn a longer skirt. Emily is looking stunning, as always. Chantal looks like she on the verge of a mental breakdown.....as always. And Michelle's dress is managing to defy gravity by attaching itself to her non-moving breasts.
Rather than start the cocktail party, Chris Harrison pulls overtime and shows up early because Brad wants to speak with him. Trying not to look annoyed, Chris asks Brad what's going on. Brad informs Chris that he's made up his mind and does not need the cocktail party to make his decision. At this point I'm convinced either Chantal or Michelle is the one on the chopping. I cross my fingers and pray that it's Michelle and that he doesn't want a cocktail party because he knows that he will get "caught up" in Michelle's tentacles again. But, I've been let down before so I dare not hope too much.
Chris, still irritated that he is doing more work this episode than he has done in the entire season thus far, approaches the ladies and tells them there will be no rose ceremony. Emily is unruffled, confident that Brad will keep his word and give her a rose. Chantal almost cries for the 544th time. Michelle looks slightly nervous but then remembers that Brad is hers and that they will "make babies" together and calms down. Shawtal is still wishing that she had worn a longer skirt and Ashley is sleeping in on one of the couches, clutching her beloved rose in her hands.
The girls line up on the beach and Brad assures them that he is certain he has made the right decision. In other words, he is 100% sure he does not want to marry this next cast off. First rose goes to Emily and Brad earns bonus points with her for keeping his promise. Shawntal gets the next rose and I whoop it up Arsenial Hall-style from the couch. It's down to Chantal and Michelle....two different flavors of crazy. Chantal gets the rose and Michelle gets the boot.
In a surprise ending, we hardly hear a peep from Michelle. She tells Brad that he cannot help her up the stairs and that she doesn't want to talk about it....and that's about it. In the limo she curls up in the fetal position and floats away into a dissociative state. I sincerely think she did not like, much less love, Brad and that it was more about winning for her. I think she tried to squeeze out a few tears there at the end, but ultimately did not really care that she was kicked off....she got her TV time, made a name for herself and will milk her 15 minutes of fame. Nothing new.
Next week is the hometown dates and I think the trip to the embalmer's will sink Shawntal's ship. Ashley's family is as hyper as she is. Emily's daughter shows good instincts by being weary of this awkward man (and camera crew), and Chantal cries....again.
And I can't wait.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
It Rains in the Rainforest?....You're Kidding!
Once again, Dallas was covered with snow and ice this week, thus delaying my musings on the latest episode of the Bachelor. The leaders of Dallas' administration continue to insist on dumping piles of sand on the roads and remain confused why it's not helping. There's a reason all the northern states use salt - try it...it might work! Thankfully, I live in a state where weather is as bipolar as some of my clients and it will be in the 60's this weekend (yea!)
The one great thing about being delayed in writing is that I have heard from several of you who had your own opinions on this last episode and I'll definitely be inserting some of those here. One of the most painful observations is one that I made on episode 1, but was afraid to voice aloud for fear that it would be misinterpreted. But I now find that I'm not alone. My friend Lauren pointed out that psycho Michelle looks/sounds very much like our friend Amber. The good news (for us...and I guess for Amber as well) is that this is where the similarities end. Amber is a wonderful person with lots of friends and a huge heart. Michelle....well...not so much. Let's just say if Amber had an evil, narcissistic twin, it would be Michelle.
For this episode, ABC splurged a little a took the gals to Costa Rica. Brad arrives in the Bachelor's customary mode of transportation: a helicopter (is anyone else starting to get bored with all the helicopter rides? Seriously...it's overkill!). Next we cut to the girls traveling to Costa Rica and we see a little map that shows a plane flying from Las Vegas to Costa Rica. I initially thought it was stupid, but then quickly remembered how, when I tell people my mom is Panamanian, I am often asked, "Where's Panamania?"....so maybe a map was a good idea - I imagine Michelle saying, "Costa Rica? Yea! I've always wanted to go to Europe!"
Brad takes the bachelorettes to their villa. Along the way to Costa Rica they seem to have taken a vote and decided that nothing says "Looking for love in Latin America" more than a braid that goes across the forehead. Brad awkwardly leaves the date card and we learn that Chantal is getting the first one-on-one date in CR. Needless to say, Michelle is pissed (when is she not?), but Alli is the most angry since she has not yet had a one-on-one date and this is Chantal's second go-round. Brit is the other girl who has only been on group dates, but you know she's thinking, "I don't need a whole date to myself - just 5 minutes of making out with me has convinced him to keep me around until now."
Michelle makes another gem of a comment, stating that she wants Chantal to be attacked by apes and I feel my patience for her starting to run out. Normally, the really crazy girls stay on the show for about 4 episodes before the Bachelor cries "Uncle!" and begs the producers to let him kick her crazy butt to the curb....4 episodes should be the max...they provide entertainment, but haven't reached the point of complete obnoxiousness. Michelle, I feel, has been allowed to stay too long at the party. I'm no longer even entertained by what garbage flies out of her mouth....and if I have to hear, "He is mine!" one more time, I might give myself a black eye.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are hopping on yet another helicopter to go on their date. Brad mentions that he really likes Chantal but does not like the drama she has been bringing lately. Again, not entirely sure it's fair to single her out but let Michelle and her possee of crazies off the hook.
Speaking of Michelle, she's back at the Bachelorette pad complaining to Emily about Chantal. To give Michelle a little credit, I think she had figured out that the polite Southern belles are the ones to complain to - first she picked Ashley S and, now that Askley S is back to nannying in NYC she has picked Emily to be her therapist stand-in. Michelle complains and Emily tries her best to look like she cares even just a little bit. Michelle says she does not like Chantal because she is aggressive and egotistical....yes Michelle, those are undesirable traits.
Back on the date, Brad reveals to Chantal that they are going to be riding on the world's longest zip line and Chantal secretly wishes that the ABC intern had given her the heads up so she could have worn a sports bra. Side note: I love that Brad is showing them the superlatives of everything - the "best" mall, the "longest" zip line....feels like someone is overcompensating for something.
Then something totally bizarre happens - it starts to rain....in the rain forest....I know, I thought it was strange too! Initially I thought the water drops on Chantal's face were just her meeting her tear quota for the episode, but alas, I was wrong. Brad and Chantal both proceed to make comparisons between zip lining in the rain and being in a relationship. Some of the analogies are a stretch at best....all of the anologies are gag-worthy corny. Our Bachelor and resident cry-baby zip through the trees and bore me to death.
Next up, picnic on the beach! Chantal states that she can imagine what it's like to be with Brad every day, proving that she's never been to Austin, TX as there are no rain forest/zip line adventures to be had there. It starts to rain...again. And they are surprised...again. Brad takes Chantal's hand and leads her back to the dry safety of his hotel room (really?...that's awkward) Despite the fact that I'm sure the 5-star resort has cushy, fluffy terry cloth robes to spare, Brad whips out a random white button-down dress shirt for Chantal to put on. She obliges and steps out in nothing but the shirt. Brad, in a throw-back to junior high, gawks at her and attempts to nonchalantly pull off the old "waistband trick." After stuttering about how hot she looks (thank God he does not use Jake's favorite expression of "smokin' hot"!) he disappears into the bathroom (to do what?) and emerges with a rose. Chantal accepts and we go to commercial.
The group date was muy loco! Running out of ideas, the ABC interns decide that the women will go repelling down a waterfall. It may have been due to a lack of ideas or maybe there is one ABC intern who realized that this would send Michelle into an exorcist-ish tizzy and wanted to see if her head would spin around a few times. Most of the girls make it down without much drama, but Jackie just about wets her pants at the thought of repelling. She screams, shrieks and goes to her happy place (a Justin Beiber concert) to make it through the ordeal. Michelle complains that Jackie is overdoing the dramatics/hysterics, conveniently forgetting that she actually cried at the top of the building she and Brad repelled down. Once all the other girls are down the waterfall and Michelle and Brad are alone, she informs him for the 106th time that she is pissed at him. Doesn't he remember? They pinky swore that neither of them would repel down anything with anyone else....and what is more contractually binding than a pinky swear? Michelle then proceeds to actually hit our Bachelor, who, in an act of desperation tells her that he was planning to go down the waterfall with her the whole time....quick recovery, Brad! They repel down the waterfall in their matching tops and Michelle gloats when she reaches the bottom....because repelling down a waterfall next to another person is so meaningful, right? sheesh!
Next stop is a warm srpings where the craziness reaches a new level. Let me put it this way - Ashley H looked normal compared to the other women! Emily continues to shoot herself in the foot by explaining how she always ruins good things that come her way....kind of like she's doing right then. Good thing she is drop dead gorgeous and Brad is willing to overlook anything in the name of beauty and he vows to help her learn to open up.
Jackie, the cool-headed artist, shows her crazy side when she tells Brad that she is disappointed he did not repel down the waterfall with her. Brad is tired of hearing about everything he's doing wrong and half-heartedly apologizes. Jackie pretends that everything is fine and I am left to continue wondering what the big deal is about repelling next to someone.
Back at the resort, Alli's anti-climactic date card arrives, telling her to meet Brad at the altar. I say to myself that she can't honestly believe that this has anything to do with a wedding altar...come on - you haven't even had a one-on-one yet despite all your cleavage flashing....let's hold off on ordering your bridesmaid dresses for now.
We cut back to the disaster of a group date to find Michelle cuddling up to Brad. Michelle continues to express her disappointment in his decisions, especially his decision to give Chantal a rose. She must have been thinking that the Southern niceties shown by Emily and Ashley S would apply to him, but for the first time, we see him starting to get annoyed with her always being pissed at him. News flash Brad: This is her at her best....if you think she's crazy, psycho, drama girl now, this is just the appetizer - marry her and you'll get the entree portion. Again, Brad justifies her behavior by reminding himself that she's hot. They make out in a way that left me curled in the fetal position under the throw pillows on our couch...but, I did peak out long enough to take note that there were no fireworks when they kissed.
In a bold move, Brad decides to not hand out a rose and the women are quickly reminded that this is Brad Womack - he doesn't need to pick anyone and could send them all home. He's done it before....don't make him do it again.
As if we couldn't predict it, the one-on-one date with Alli was the epitome of awkward. This is why people meet for short dates (coffee, a few drinks, appetizers) first before going on longer dates - if it sucks, you only have to endure it for an hour or so. Poor Brad probably knew 5 minutes into the date that Alli was heading home. Sadly enough, Alli was not aware of this fact and kept telling the camera how awesome their date was going! We could tell that he wasn't that into her because instead of treating her to the Bachelor Special (a.k.a.: helicopter), he picked her up on a dinky horse with two baby horses trailing behind.
They arrived at a cave and I expected Mr. Overcompensation to say, "This is the oldest cave in history," but he settled for telling her that the cave was 40 million years old. They walked through the cave, complete with bats and other creepy-crawlies, and arrived at a stone fixture known to the locals as "the altar." They had a boring conversation before freshening up for dinner.
There's nothing worse than being in an overly-romantic setting with someone with whom you have absolutely no romantic chemistry. Again I found myself under the throw pillows. Brad tried to have deep meaningful conversation, but Alli was content to tell him that she is not impressed with big cities or the people who live in them....and we start to realize that her foot-in-the-mouth from last episode may be a chronic condition. The date is sinking fast.....no literally - their table is sinking into the pond so Brad decides to try one last effort to strike up some chemistry with Alli. He asks about her last relationship and she waxes on about how he was such a great guy, but she could not picture herself marrying him....at which point everyone at home knows what's coming up. Alli has handed Brad the perfect segue to get them out of this sinking mess and out of their misery. In the most uncomfortable scene to date, Brad likens their current situation to her situation with her last boyfriend - both are great people, just not right for one another. Blinded by love, Alli says she understands and that she could spend all day, every day with him. Brad has to get more concrete and basically tells her that he is not in love with her. Alli is stunned - According to her theory, she must not have had a good enough sob story to stay....I'm thinking it was more like karma biting her in her oversized caboose. Either way, her and her luggage will not make it to the next destination.
Brad goes back to his bungalow to destress when there's a knock at the door. Thinking it's Lupita with his room service, he opens to door only to find that Michelle is there. He seems surprised....I'm super annoyed because I'm so tired of her at this point. Michelle lies and says she wants to make sure he's okay after sending Alli home. She tells him he made a good decision. He jokingly asks if there are any other decisions she thinks he needs to make....and she does not pick up on the fact that he's joking. Michelle proceeds to tell him the order he needs to kick the other girls off. Masochistic Brad seems slightly amused, but also slightly annoyed. Michelle hints that she has knowledge about the other girls, but then quickly notes that she is not going to share this knowledge because she's a classy girl. She again tells him who he needs to vote off and then tells him that it's his decision to make. She leaves him confused and I scream at the TV, "Just boot her off already!!!"
Rose Ceremony: Brad comes in looking a little defeated. I think he's starting to see the girls for who they really are and he's imaging the flack he's going to catch when he doesn't pick someone this season either. He also mentions that someone has been giving him grief over not handing out a rose on the group date. He and Emily have the first alone time and our Southern belle is on her game - she apologizes for her not so flattering self-disclosure in the hot springs and they stare at each other for a long time.
Meanwhile, Chantal has morphed into Nacy Drew and has deduced that someone must have gone to see Brad after the group date, but before the rose ceremony. I have flashbacks to wrestler Justin (Rated-R) from Ali's season crutching his way up to her home and wonder why no one learns from previous seasons. The girls start discussing who could have possibly done that....and Michelle is conveniently absent.
We then see Brad and Michelle talking. Brad is sitting up a little taller because he finally has his spine back. He asks Michelle how she can be so sure the other girls are not for him when she doesn't really even know him that well. Michelle proceeds to make up events from a date that none of us saw and even Brad looks confused. Remembering that Brad cannot handle a woman in tears, Michelle starts to cry and Brad immediately comforts her. I start to have hope that he's at the end of his rope with her.
Michelle arrives back at the pow wow and Chantal asks her in a round-about way if she said anything to Brad about not handing out a rose on the group date. Michelle admits to giving him the stink-eye and maybe flashing a gang sign or two, but that's all. The group doesn't buy it and Michelle admits to going to see him....an announcement that is not met with happy faces.
Meanwhile Shawtal has decided that she's had enough of talk about emotions - she's used to working with people who don't have emotions...heck, they don't even have pulses! So she suggests they play the silent game. Be boring an detatched? Brad has been training for this his whole life. Shawtal breaks up the silence by making out with him and I'm saddened by the fact that, once again, she has to initiate the kissing. Once Brad wins, however, he goes in for the kiss...I'm assuming it's so he doesn't have to talk about emotions either.
Realizing that Michelle spent alone time with Brad, Chantal decides she needs to lay it all on the table. She tells Brad she loves him, noting that she has nothing to gain by telling him that since she has a rose and can't be eliminated (Lord how I wish you could de-rose people - that would make the game even better!). Brad asks her how she knows this and thanks her for being genuine.
At the rose ceremony, we say adios to Jackie, who secretly is happy to be sent home in time for the premier of Beiber's movie Never Say Never. Michelle gets the last rose and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's pissed he made her wait so long.
Next week, they're off to Anguilla and I think Brit finally gets a one-on-one date. Chantal tries the "If you don't love me, send me home" tactic for the 12th time (and I wish he would finally say, "then go home!") and I'm sure Michelle will say something that makes me want to hit the mute button when I see her on the screen....she's awesome like that!
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to go braid my bangs.
The one great thing about being delayed in writing is that I have heard from several of you who had your own opinions on this last episode and I'll definitely be inserting some of those here. One of the most painful observations is one that I made on episode 1, but was afraid to voice aloud for fear that it would be misinterpreted. But I now find that I'm not alone. My friend Lauren pointed out that psycho Michelle looks/sounds very much like our friend Amber. The good news (for us...and I guess for Amber as well) is that this is where the similarities end. Amber is a wonderful person with lots of friends and a huge heart. Michelle....well...not so much. Let's just say if Amber had an evil, narcissistic twin, it would be Michelle.
For this episode, ABC splurged a little a took the gals to Costa Rica. Brad arrives in the Bachelor's customary mode of transportation: a helicopter (is anyone else starting to get bored with all the helicopter rides? Seriously...it's overkill!). Next we cut to the girls traveling to Costa Rica and we see a little map that shows a plane flying from Las Vegas to Costa Rica. I initially thought it was stupid, but then quickly remembered how, when I tell people my mom is Panamanian, I am often asked, "Where's Panamania?"....so maybe a map was a good idea - I imagine Michelle saying, "Costa Rica? Yea! I've always wanted to go to Europe!"
Brad takes the bachelorettes to their villa. Along the way to Costa Rica they seem to have taken a vote and decided that nothing says "Looking for love in Latin America" more than a braid that goes across the forehead. Brad awkwardly leaves the date card and we learn that Chantal is getting the first one-on-one date in CR. Needless to say, Michelle is pissed (when is she not?), but Alli is the most angry since she has not yet had a one-on-one date and this is Chantal's second go-round. Brit is the other girl who has only been on group dates, but you know she's thinking, "I don't need a whole date to myself - just 5 minutes of making out with me has convinced him to keep me around until now."
Michelle makes another gem of a comment, stating that she wants Chantal to be attacked by apes and I feel my patience for her starting to run out. Normally, the really crazy girls stay on the show for about 4 episodes before the Bachelor cries "Uncle!" and begs the producers to let him kick her crazy butt to the curb....4 episodes should be the max...they provide entertainment, but haven't reached the point of complete obnoxiousness. Michelle, I feel, has been allowed to stay too long at the party. I'm no longer even entertained by what garbage flies out of her mouth....and if I have to hear, "He is mine!" one more time, I might give myself a black eye.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are hopping on yet another helicopter to go on their date. Brad mentions that he really likes Chantal but does not like the drama she has been bringing lately. Again, not entirely sure it's fair to single her out but let Michelle and her possee of crazies off the hook.
Speaking of Michelle, she's back at the Bachelorette pad complaining to Emily about Chantal. To give Michelle a little credit, I think she had figured out that the polite Southern belles are the ones to complain to - first she picked Ashley S and, now that Askley S is back to nannying in NYC she has picked Emily to be her therapist stand-in. Michelle complains and Emily tries her best to look like she cares even just a little bit. Michelle says she does not like Chantal because she is aggressive and egotistical....yes Michelle, those are undesirable traits.
Back on the date, Brad reveals to Chantal that they are going to be riding on the world's longest zip line and Chantal secretly wishes that the ABC intern had given her the heads up so she could have worn a sports bra. Side note: I love that Brad is showing them the superlatives of everything - the "best" mall, the "longest" zip line....feels like someone is overcompensating for something.
Then something totally bizarre happens - it starts to rain....in the rain forest....I know, I thought it was strange too! Initially I thought the water drops on Chantal's face were just her meeting her tear quota for the episode, but alas, I was wrong. Brad and Chantal both proceed to make comparisons between zip lining in the rain and being in a relationship. Some of the analogies are a stretch at best....all of the anologies are gag-worthy corny. Our Bachelor and resident cry-baby zip through the trees and bore me to death.
Next up, picnic on the beach! Chantal states that she can imagine what it's like to be with Brad every day, proving that she's never been to Austin, TX as there are no rain forest/zip line adventures to be had there. It starts to rain...again. And they are surprised...again. Brad takes Chantal's hand and leads her back to the dry safety of his hotel room (really?...that's awkward) Despite the fact that I'm sure the 5-star resort has cushy, fluffy terry cloth robes to spare, Brad whips out a random white button-down dress shirt for Chantal to put on. She obliges and steps out in nothing but the shirt. Brad, in a throw-back to junior high, gawks at her and attempts to nonchalantly pull off the old "waistband trick." After stuttering about how hot she looks (thank God he does not use Jake's favorite expression of "smokin' hot"!) he disappears into the bathroom (to do what?) and emerges with a rose. Chantal accepts and we go to commercial.
The group date was muy loco! Running out of ideas, the ABC interns decide that the women will go repelling down a waterfall. It may have been due to a lack of ideas or maybe there is one ABC intern who realized that this would send Michelle into an exorcist-ish tizzy and wanted to see if her head would spin around a few times. Most of the girls make it down without much drama, but Jackie just about wets her pants at the thought of repelling. She screams, shrieks and goes to her happy place (a Justin Beiber concert) to make it through the ordeal. Michelle complains that Jackie is overdoing the dramatics/hysterics, conveniently forgetting that she actually cried at the top of the building she and Brad repelled down. Once all the other girls are down the waterfall and Michelle and Brad are alone, she informs him for the 106th time that she is pissed at him. Doesn't he remember? They pinky swore that neither of them would repel down anything with anyone else....and what is more contractually binding than a pinky swear? Michelle then proceeds to actually hit our Bachelor, who, in an act of desperation tells her that he was planning to go down the waterfall with her the whole time....quick recovery, Brad! They repel down the waterfall in their matching tops and Michelle gloats when she reaches the bottom....because repelling down a waterfall next to another person is so meaningful, right? sheesh!
Next stop is a warm srpings where the craziness reaches a new level. Let me put it this way - Ashley H looked normal compared to the other women! Emily continues to shoot herself in the foot by explaining how she always ruins good things that come her way....kind of like she's doing right then. Good thing she is drop dead gorgeous and Brad is willing to overlook anything in the name of beauty and he vows to help her learn to open up.
Jackie, the cool-headed artist, shows her crazy side when she tells Brad that she is disappointed he did not repel down the waterfall with her. Brad is tired of hearing about everything he's doing wrong and half-heartedly apologizes. Jackie pretends that everything is fine and I am left to continue wondering what the big deal is about repelling next to someone.
Back at the resort, Alli's anti-climactic date card arrives, telling her to meet Brad at the altar. I say to myself that she can't honestly believe that this has anything to do with a wedding altar...come on - you haven't even had a one-on-one yet despite all your cleavage flashing....let's hold off on ordering your bridesmaid dresses for now.
We cut back to the disaster of a group date to find Michelle cuddling up to Brad. Michelle continues to express her disappointment in his decisions, especially his decision to give Chantal a rose. She must have been thinking that the Southern niceties shown by Emily and Ashley S would apply to him, but for the first time, we see him starting to get annoyed with her always being pissed at him. News flash Brad: This is her at her best....if you think she's crazy, psycho, drama girl now, this is just the appetizer - marry her and you'll get the entree portion. Again, Brad justifies her behavior by reminding himself that she's hot. They make out in a way that left me curled in the fetal position under the throw pillows on our couch...but, I did peak out long enough to take note that there were no fireworks when they kissed.
In a bold move, Brad decides to not hand out a rose and the women are quickly reminded that this is Brad Womack - he doesn't need to pick anyone and could send them all home. He's done it before....don't make him do it again.
As if we couldn't predict it, the one-on-one date with Alli was the epitome of awkward. This is why people meet for short dates (coffee, a few drinks, appetizers) first before going on longer dates - if it sucks, you only have to endure it for an hour or so. Poor Brad probably knew 5 minutes into the date that Alli was heading home. Sadly enough, Alli was not aware of this fact and kept telling the camera how awesome their date was going! We could tell that he wasn't that into her because instead of treating her to the Bachelor Special (a.k.a.: helicopter), he picked her up on a dinky horse with two baby horses trailing behind.
They arrived at a cave and I expected Mr. Overcompensation to say, "This is the oldest cave in history," but he settled for telling her that the cave was 40 million years old. They walked through the cave, complete with bats and other creepy-crawlies, and arrived at a stone fixture known to the locals as "the altar." They had a boring conversation before freshening up for dinner.
There's nothing worse than being in an overly-romantic setting with someone with whom you have absolutely no romantic chemistry. Again I found myself under the throw pillows. Brad tried to have deep meaningful conversation, but Alli was content to tell him that she is not impressed with big cities or the people who live in them....and we start to realize that her foot-in-the-mouth from last episode may be a chronic condition. The date is sinking fast.....no literally - their table is sinking into the pond so Brad decides to try one last effort to strike up some chemistry with Alli. He asks about her last relationship and she waxes on about how he was such a great guy, but she could not picture herself marrying him....at which point everyone at home knows what's coming up. Alli has handed Brad the perfect segue to get them out of this sinking mess and out of their misery. In the most uncomfortable scene to date, Brad likens their current situation to her situation with her last boyfriend - both are great people, just not right for one another. Blinded by love, Alli says she understands and that she could spend all day, every day with him. Brad has to get more concrete and basically tells her that he is not in love with her. Alli is stunned - According to her theory, she must not have had a good enough sob story to stay....I'm thinking it was more like karma biting her in her oversized caboose. Either way, her and her luggage will not make it to the next destination.
Brad goes back to his bungalow to destress when there's a knock at the door. Thinking it's Lupita with his room service, he opens to door only to find that Michelle is there. He seems surprised....I'm super annoyed because I'm so tired of her at this point. Michelle lies and says she wants to make sure he's okay after sending Alli home. She tells him he made a good decision. He jokingly asks if there are any other decisions she thinks he needs to make....and she does not pick up on the fact that he's joking. Michelle proceeds to tell him the order he needs to kick the other girls off. Masochistic Brad seems slightly amused, but also slightly annoyed. Michelle hints that she has knowledge about the other girls, but then quickly notes that she is not going to share this knowledge because she's a classy girl. She again tells him who he needs to vote off and then tells him that it's his decision to make. She leaves him confused and I scream at the TV, "Just boot her off already!!!"
Rose Ceremony: Brad comes in looking a little defeated. I think he's starting to see the girls for who they really are and he's imaging the flack he's going to catch when he doesn't pick someone this season either. He also mentions that someone has been giving him grief over not handing out a rose on the group date. He and Emily have the first alone time and our Southern belle is on her game - she apologizes for her not so flattering self-disclosure in the hot springs and they stare at each other for a long time.
Meanwhile, Chantal has morphed into Nacy Drew and has deduced that someone must have gone to see Brad after the group date, but before the rose ceremony. I have flashbacks to wrestler Justin (Rated-R) from Ali's season crutching his way up to her home and wonder why no one learns from previous seasons. The girls start discussing who could have possibly done that....and Michelle is conveniently absent.
We then see Brad and Michelle talking. Brad is sitting up a little taller because he finally has his spine back. He asks Michelle how she can be so sure the other girls are not for him when she doesn't really even know him that well. Michelle proceeds to make up events from a date that none of us saw and even Brad looks confused. Remembering that Brad cannot handle a woman in tears, Michelle starts to cry and Brad immediately comforts her. I start to have hope that he's at the end of his rope with her.
Michelle arrives back at the pow wow and Chantal asks her in a round-about way if she said anything to Brad about not handing out a rose on the group date. Michelle admits to giving him the stink-eye and maybe flashing a gang sign or two, but that's all. The group doesn't buy it and Michelle admits to going to see him....an announcement that is not met with happy faces.
Meanwhile Shawtal has decided that she's had enough of talk about emotions - she's used to working with people who don't have emotions...heck, they don't even have pulses! So she suggests they play the silent game. Be boring an detatched? Brad has been training for this his whole life. Shawtal breaks up the silence by making out with him and I'm saddened by the fact that, once again, she has to initiate the kissing. Once Brad wins, however, he goes in for the kiss...I'm assuming it's so he doesn't have to talk about emotions either.
Realizing that Michelle spent alone time with Brad, Chantal decides she needs to lay it all on the table. She tells Brad she loves him, noting that she has nothing to gain by telling him that since she has a rose and can't be eliminated (Lord how I wish you could de-rose people - that would make the game even better!). Brad asks her how she knows this and thanks her for being genuine.
At the rose ceremony, we say adios to Jackie, who secretly is happy to be sent home in time for the premier of Beiber's movie Never Say Never. Michelle gets the last rose and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's pissed he made her wait so long.
Next week, they're off to Anguilla and I think Brit finally gets a one-on-one date. Chantal tries the "If you don't love me, send me home" tactic for the 12th time (and I wish he would finally say, "then go home!") and I'm sure Michelle will say something that makes me want to hit the mute button when I see her on the screen....she's awesome like that!
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to go braid my bangs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
It's Vegas - All Bets Are Off!
Between battling the icy roads and the lovely respiratory infection brought on by the not-so-subtle 50-degree temperature swing, I have fallen behind on my Bachelor musings....or we can look at it as me having more time to process the blatant pathology of the contestants....let's go with the latter.
As I mentioned before, I love Chris Harrison....however, I do not love his wardrobe consultant. The blue button-up was fine until I got to the cuffs...which possibly had either flowers or butterflies on them (or both!). Horrified, I almost fast-forwarded, but then remembered that Chris was going to tell the girls that they were hitting the road. When he announces that they are all heading to Vegas, everyone (including stink-eye, Michelle) shrieks with delight. Again, this is where I would fail miserably on the show...don't get me wrong, I love Vegas... but last season Ali and the guys got to go to ridiculously awesome places like Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal....as a contestant, I would have been the Debbie Downer to point that out....we got hosed gals, we got hosed.
But the girls are super excited. Just when I think that the producers are going to go super low-budget on this season, I say, "They can redeem themselves if, and only if, they put them up at Aria." Next scene = redemption. Aria is disgustingly beautiful and this Vegas trip, while still a less impressive version of Ali's season, is starting to look better.
Brad takes the girls up to their new home (for the next 48 hours at least) and the squealing continues. Excited is one thing....screaming like a 13-year-old at the Justin Beiber concert is another thing....I'm starting to worry about out these bachelorettes (cringe). Before leaving, Brad does an awkward hand-off of the datecard. Really, everything he does is awkward so I don't know why I'm surprised, but I guess I keep holding out hope that "cool, calm, suave Brad" will show up one day. But that day isn't today. Marissa reads the card (and gets a ton of air time this episode....a sure sign she's heading home) and Shawntal is the chosen one for the one-on-one date.
Shawtal is one of my favorites so she gets a pass for wearing super-short white shorts on her date. They go to a mall and she gushes over how nice it is. As Brad informs her that it is one of the nicest malls in the world, I can't help but think of one of my favorite lines from Napoleon Dynamite: "Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon." Seriously Brad, no need show off. Brad then tells Shawntal that he is taking her on a shopping spree. Nothing like wooing a gal with money that's not yours. Shawtal compares this mall to the strip malls back in Chico and decides that this is like Pretty Woman....again, these girls need a little Pretty Woman refresher course to understand that every time they make that comparison, they're likening themselves to a prostitute.
After many gratuitous, but obligatory, brand label shots later, Shawtal loads up her arms with the bags and heads back to the hotel. I loved her even more when she recognized how uncomfortable it will be to show her purchases to the other girls....and it was. The other girls looked so jealous/disgusted and I loved every minute of it. Michelle looked like she was going to give herself another black eye as she gawked over the $5,000 purse Shawntal bought....I chuckled to myself.
Brad arrives to pick Shawntal up for the date and the girls stare ravenously at him, only taking their eyes off him for a microsecond in order to check out Shawntal's new shoes and mentally plan which items of hers they can steal while she's out on her date. On the rooftop of Aria, a table is set for two and I quickly note that Shawntal is now wearing flip flops and not her 4+-inch heels...and again, I love her more for her practicality.
The date is kind of slowly chugging along until Shawntal decides to confess to Brad about her profession. He initially looks totally stoked about it, but then again, he has tremendous difficulty matching his facial expressions to his emotions. As she talks about the process of embalming, he asks questions and insists he is interested, but then goes on to say that he is going to pass on the meat course of the meal, thank you very much. Shawntal notifies him that she is not a sissy and is going to keep eating (love her!). I firmly believe that if you were not already a Shawntal fan, you must have been converted during their dinner....she was hilarious and genuine and appeared intelligent and mature....a rare combo for this season. Plus, she did an impression of a cross-eyed cat named Peaches, which had me laughing out loud. Despite the unsavory dinner conversation topic, Brad gives her the rose and I am happy. They kiss and finally, we get the fireworks that Michelle has been telling us about. The girls all run to the windows and Michelle is immediately pissed because she knows that fireworks = kissing and this is like the Bachelor's Bat Signal letting the girls know that he and Shawtal are lip-locked.
Again, I'm happy....but only for a moment. As noted in previous episodes, Brad does not seem really excited to kiss Shawntal....she always makes the first move and he gives her the tight-lipped, eyes-squeezed-shut kiss. I fear she is this year's Tenley. As my father so astutely pointed out to me when he tried to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me when I was 30, "When you get married, there has to be chemistry beyond friendship....husbands and wives have to take their clothes off - kids don't come from lettuce patches, you know.".....I remember that verbatim because it is forever seared into my mind as the most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard....and I'm a psychologist.
The group date card arrives and there are still too many girls for me to mentally check them off and deduce on my own who has the dreaded 2-on-1 date. But the shocked faces of the Ashleys tell me everything. They talk about how they are such good friends and I'm confused, but quickly assume that their alliance is laying on the editing room floor somewhere. They cry and Ashley S says that if Ashley H goes home because of her, she'd never forgive herself....Ashley H says nothing of the sort.
But before we go on the 2-on-1, we have to get through the most sadistic group date ever. It's a NASCAR date and Emily, whose fiance died in a plane crash on his way to a NASCAR race, is none too thrilled. However, I thought she did a great job of appearing calm and composed. But, a producer whispers to Brad that he should pull her aside to see if everything is okay. Brad, who is oblivious to all emotions (including his own) obliges....he has to - it's in his contract. They sit down and she goes further into the story and he states he feels like a jerk. Finally, he gets it right. She insists that this will be good for her and Brad asks if she wants him to have Dr. Jamie on hold in case of an emergency. Emily makes it around and talks about how the first few laps are for Ricky and how the last laps are for her to let things go. If she doesn't win, meet your new Bachelorette.
At yet another rooftop party with a pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again...and Alli has had it. She decides to throw all decorum and moral goodness to the side and boldly states that, although she understands that Emily had a rough day (hello understatement!), she is sick and tired of the girls with the best "sob stories" getting all the attention. Remember, Alli has her own sob story - her ex couldn't handle all her "junk in the trunk"....or maybe it was her complete lack of empathy...hard to tell. The tension after that comment was tangible....even psycho Michelle looked shocked....or maybe she was glad someone else said it.
Cut to Brad and Emily talking. Brad starts to give her the "you're not ready for love yet" speech and we finally see some spice come from our Southern belle! She politely (of course) informs him that her life is what it is - she can't change the past - and that she's tired of men not being able to handle her life. The producers frantically wave signals at Brad letting him know that he is coming across as a complete jackhole so he quickly backpedals and states that he is fine with her past and just wanted to check in with her.....riiiiiiiight.
After pulling his foot from his mouth, Brad returns to a number of women who are "not feeling special." Alli is hurt and Brad fights back the urge to tell her that he is just keeping her around because she is a reliable source of cleavage. Chantal again tells him how hard it is to not feel special and Brad gets frustrated. Chantal "accidently" drops the L-word but then takes it back. Brad looks amused and I think is half-surprised that any woman could actually fall in love with him. Chantal when goes on to say the cliche Bachelor line of "If you don't feel the same way I do, send me home." How much ego stroking do these empty vessels need? Seriously, every week he tells you he likes you and makes one-on-one time for you and every week you are a neurotic mess. I'm trying to like her but it's not going well.
Michelle and Brad make out behind a curtain and Emily gets the date rose. Chantal moans that it was like watching Brad and Emily on a date all night....awkward.
Speaking of awkward....welcome to the 2-on-1 date. In keeping with this season's theme of "Let's Rip Off Ali's Season...But Make It Less Awesome" the girls are going to audition for an Elvis revue. In addition to learning who you are compatible with by scaling a building together, someone on the ABC staff has decided that in order to pick your perfect mate, you must first see whether you can swing from hidden wires together in a choreographed fashion....because if you can't, you might as well sign the divorce papers now. I somehow feel this date is set up for Ashley S to lose....remember Ashley H's initial video of her dancing in her tube socks....she's been training her whole life for this moment. Ashley S informs the camera that she will be fighting inner demons...but then doesn't tell us what they are.
After rehearsal, the girls get back into their dresses and sit down to dinner. They must have been running late because Brad cut right to the chase and informed Ashley S. that she will make an amazing wife someday....for someone else. He hands the rose to Ashley H who proceeds to use it to kiss good-bye to her supposedly BFF. I don't know about you, but she she looked more victorious than sad to me. I have to admit that I was shocked....until I remembered Brad's obvious penchant for crazy women. Ashley H has shown him her brand of crazy and he loves it. The rest of the date is super lame and we see them flying through the show looking ungraceful doing even the most simple choreography. My favorite part was when the burly intern comes to get the luggage....again, this is why I'm not on the show - they would have had to edit out the part of me going Latin Assassin on that intern since I would have been convinced that he was a robber/murderer. They need to pay their interns more - this guy looked like a random person pulled off The Strip.
My least favorite part was Ashley S.'s exit interview. I must be softening in my old age because I felt terrible for her. She sounds like a serial monogamist who keeps making it to the final round of dating, only to be told she's not The One. She talked about how tough this past year has been, etc and I just sat there feeling bad for her. We've all been there and it sucks. It especially sucks when it's on national TV and you have to walk and anguished mile and a half to the limo while people stare at you (knowing you had just gotten cut) and the background music is "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and the producers cut to shots of your crush and the girl he chose over you having a great time.....it just makes it a smidge worse.
Never one to miss out on a therapy appointment, Brad phones Dr. Jamie for their chat. Brad basically states that all the women are falling all over themselve to get to him and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....he can't help it that he's just that awesome. Being the incredible therapist he is, Dr. Jamie tells Brad to look out for numero uno and to let the women fend for themselves. He tells Brad to keep his eye on the mission and I get the inkling that Dr. Jamie may be confused about which of his patients he is talking to (it happens). Brad hangs up the phone feeling better for some reason I still can't figure out.
At the rose ceremony, Brad pulls Chantal aside because he is concerned about her recent drama. I'm still not a Chantal fan, but I felt it was a little unfair to single her out for drama....that's be like singling a Hooters waitress for having fake boobs or an orange tan....if you call out one person, you have to call them all out, Brad. They make up and Chantal scoots away from the camera quickly so that Raichel, now watching from home, will not see that she stole one of Raichel's dresses before the manscaper got the boot.
Next, an intern hands Brad a little cake and reminds him that he is supposed to give it to Alli (and then points out who Alli is). The intern also tells Brad that if he wants to look extra smooth, he should mention that the green on the cake is like the green dress she shimmied in front of his face on the first night. He follows the intern's advice and she eats it up.....the lines, not the cake (although she may have eaten the cake....I sure would have!).
In a bold move, Marissa pulls Brad into the bedroom and then babbles on about texts and notes. I have no idea what she is talking about when she shoves him a pile of papers. Marissa, sweetheart - you're an attractive, female, sports analyst....that's the foot you should have led with....not nervous, never-seen/never-heard, 5th grade note writer.
Michelle, who has been somewhat subdued (relative to previous episodes) takes Brad to the bedroom and tells him his time to talk is over. He tries to hide his excitement and she informs him that none of the other girls are right for him and that she recognizes what a good man he is. He tries to speak and she internally wishes that she had packed her whip. Instead she tells him to be quiet and go send some girls home. Sicko Brad is totally turned on and I'm left feeling so uncomfortable I can barely stand it. Michelle went for hot, but it came off as pathetic....truly pathetic. I wonder if she has any idea how many people felt bad for her after that scene....but more importantly, I guess, is that I wonder if she would even care.
In a complete non-shocker of a rose ceremony, Marissa and Lisa (Dorothy from Kansas) are sent home. Chantal receives the last rose of the night, which she takes as meaning she is on thin ice with Brad. Most people would reel it in after such a warning, but I have high hopes for Chantal and they involve her crying on each of her remaining episodes.
My favorite part of the whole night was explaining to Daniel how awful Michelle is and making him watch the dominatrix/bedroom scene. In true guy form, Daniel laughs and says, "I bet the father of her child is watching this, drinking a beer with his buddies saying, "I know she's hot, but see? She's crazy....y'all didn't believe me, but she's crazy." I almost peed myself laughing.
Next week, Brad appears to lose a little of his patience and we hold our breath in hopes that Michelle gets the boot!
As I mentioned before, I love Chris Harrison....however, I do not love his wardrobe consultant. The blue button-up was fine until I got to the cuffs...which possibly had either flowers or butterflies on them (or both!). Horrified, I almost fast-forwarded, but then remembered that Chris was going to tell the girls that they were hitting the road. When he announces that they are all heading to Vegas, everyone (including stink-eye, Michelle) shrieks with delight. Again, this is where I would fail miserably on the show...don't get me wrong, I love Vegas... but last season Ali and the guys got to go to ridiculously awesome places like Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal....as a contestant, I would have been the Debbie Downer to point that out....we got hosed gals, we got hosed.
But the girls are super excited. Just when I think that the producers are going to go super low-budget on this season, I say, "They can redeem themselves if, and only if, they put them up at Aria." Next scene = redemption. Aria is disgustingly beautiful and this Vegas trip, while still a less impressive version of Ali's season, is starting to look better.
Brad takes the girls up to their new home (for the next 48 hours at least) and the squealing continues. Excited is one thing....screaming like a 13-year-old at the Justin Beiber concert is another thing....I'm starting to worry about out these bachelorettes (cringe). Before leaving, Brad does an awkward hand-off of the datecard. Really, everything he does is awkward so I don't know why I'm surprised, but I guess I keep holding out hope that "cool, calm, suave Brad" will show up one day. But that day isn't today. Marissa reads the card (and gets a ton of air time this episode....a sure sign she's heading home) and Shawntal is the chosen one for the one-on-one date.
Shawtal is one of my favorites so she gets a pass for wearing super-short white shorts on her date. They go to a mall and she gushes over how nice it is. As Brad informs her that it is one of the nicest malls in the world, I can't help but think of one of my favorite lines from Napoleon Dynamite: "Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon." Seriously Brad, no need show off. Brad then tells Shawntal that he is taking her on a shopping spree. Nothing like wooing a gal with money that's not yours. Shawtal compares this mall to the strip malls back in Chico and decides that this is like Pretty Woman....again, these girls need a little Pretty Woman refresher course to understand that every time they make that comparison, they're likening themselves to a prostitute.
After many gratuitous, but obligatory, brand label shots later, Shawtal loads up her arms with the bags and heads back to the hotel. I loved her even more when she recognized how uncomfortable it will be to show her purchases to the other girls....and it was. The other girls looked so jealous/disgusted and I loved every minute of it. Michelle looked like she was going to give herself another black eye as she gawked over the $5,000 purse Shawntal bought....I chuckled to myself.
Brad arrives to pick Shawntal up for the date and the girls stare ravenously at him, only taking their eyes off him for a microsecond in order to check out Shawntal's new shoes and mentally plan which items of hers they can steal while she's out on her date. On the rooftop of Aria, a table is set for two and I quickly note that Shawntal is now wearing flip flops and not her 4+-inch heels...and again, I love her more for her practicality.
The date is kind of slowly chugging along until Shawntal decides to confess to Brad about her profession. He initially looks totally stoked about it, but then again, he has tremendous difficulty matching his facial expressions to his emotions. As she talks about the process of embalming, he asks questions and insists he is interested, but then goes on to say that he is going to pass on the meat course of the meal, thank you very much. Shawntal notifies him that she is not a sissy and is going to keep eating (love her!). I firmly believe that if you were not already a Shawntal fan, you must have been converted during their dinner....she was hilarious and genuine and appeared intelligent and mature....a rare combo for this season. Plus, she did an impression of a cross-eyed cat named Peaches, which had me laughing out loud. Despite the unsavory dinner conversation topic, Brad gives her the rose and I am happy. They kiss and finally, we get the fireworks that Michelle has been telling us about. The girls all run to the windows and Michelle is immediately pissed because she knows that fireworks = kissing and this is like the Bachelor's Bat Signal letting the girls know that he and Shawtal are lip-locked.
Again, I'm happy....but only for a moment. As noted in previous episodes, Brad does not seem really excited to kiss Shawntal....she always makes the first move and he gives her the tight-lipped, eyes-squeezed-shut kiss. I fear she is this year's Tenley. As my father so astutely pointed out to me when he tried to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me when I was 30, "When you get married, there has to be chemistry beyond friendship....husbands and wives have to take their clothes off - kids don't come from lettuce patches, you know.".....I remember that verbatim because it is forever seared into my mind as the most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard....and I'm a psychologist.
The group date card arrives and there are still too many girls for me to mentally check them off and deduce on my own who has the dreaded 2-on-1 date. But the shocked faces of the Ashleys tell me everything. They talk about how they are such good friends and I'm confused, but quickly assume that their alliance is laying on the editing room floor somewhere. They cry and Ashley S says that if Ashley H goes home because of her, she'd never forgive herself....Ashley H says nothing of the sort.
But before we go on the 2-on-1, we have to get through the most sadistic group date ever. It's a NASCAR date and Emily, whose fiance died in a plane crash on his way to a NASCAR race, is none too thrilled. However, I thought she did a great job of appearing calm and composed. But, a producer whispers to Brad that he should pull her aside to see if everything is okay. Brad, who is oblivious to all emotions (including his own) obliges....he has to - it's in his contract. They sit down and she goes further into the story and he states he feels like a jerk. Finally, he gets it right. She insists that this will be good for her and Brad asks if she wants him to have Dr. Jamie on hold in case of an emergency. Emily makes it around and talks about how the first few laps are for Ricky and how the last laps are for her to let things go. If she doesn't win, meet your new Bachelorette.
At yet another rooftop party with a pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again...and Alli has had it. She decides to throw all decorum and moral goodness to the side and boldly states that, although she understands that Emily had a rough day (hello understatement!), she is sick and tired of the girls with the best "sob stories" getting all the attention. Remember, Alli has her own sob story - her ex couldn't handle all her "junk in the trunk"....or maybe it was her complete lack of empathy...hard to tell. The tension after that comment was tangible....even psycho Michelle looked shocked....or maybe she was glad someone else said it.
Cut to Brad and Emily talking. Brad starts to give her the "you're not ready for love yet" speech and we finally see some spice come from our Southern belle! She politely (of course) informs him that her life is what it is - she can't change the past - and that she's tired of men not being able to handle her life. The producers frantically wave signals at Brad letting him know that he is coming across as a complete jackhole so he quickly backpedals and states that he is fine with her past and just wanted to check in with her.....riiiiiiiight.
After pulling his foot from his mouth, Brad returns to a number of women who are "not feeling special." Alli is hurt and Brad fights back the urge to tell her that he is just keeping her around because she is a reliable source of cleavage. Chantal again tells him how hard it is to not feel special and Brad gets frustrated. Chantal "accidently" drops the L-word but then takes it back. Brad looks amused and I think is half-surprised that any woman could actually fall in love with him. Chantal when goes on to say the cliche Bachelor line of "If you don't feel the same way I do, send me home." How much ego stroking do these empty vessels need? Seriously, every week he tells you he likes you and makes one-on-one time for you and every week you are a neurotic mess. I'm trying to like her but it's not going well.
Michelle and Brad make out behind a curtain and Emily gets the date rose. Chantal moans that it was like watching Brad and Emily on a date all night....awkward.
Speaking of awkward....welcome to the 2-on-1 date. In keeping with this season's theme of "Let's Rip Off Ali's Season...But Make It Less Awesome" the girls are going to audition for an Elvis revue. In addition to learning who you are compatible with by scaling a building together, someone on the ABC staff has decided that in order to pick your perfect mate, you must first see whether you can swing from hidden wires together in a choreographed fashion....because if you can't, you might as well sign the divorce papers now. I somehow feel this date is set up for Ashley S to lose....remember Ashley H's initial video of her dancing in her tube socks....she's been training her whole life for this moment. Ashley S informs the camera that she will be fighting inner demons...but then doesn't tell us what they are.
After rehearsal, the girls get back into their dresses and sit down to dinner. They must have been running late because Brad cut right to the chase and informed Ashley S. that she will make an amazing wife someday....for someone else. He hands the rose to Ashley H who proceeds to use it to kiss good-bye to her supposedly BFF. I don't know about you, but she she looked more victorious than sad to me. I have to admit that I was shocked....until I remembered Brad's obvious penchant for crazy women. Ashley H has shown him her brand of crazy and he loves it. The rest of the date is super lame and we see them flying through the show looking ungraceful doing even the most simple choreography. My favorite part was when the burly intern comes to get the luggage....again, this is why I'm not on the show - they would have had to edit out the part of me going Latin Assassin on that intern since I would have been convinced that he was a robber/murderer. They need to pay their interns more - this guy looked like a random person pulled off The Strip.
My least favorite part was Ashley S.'s exit interview. I must be softening in my old age because I felt terrible for her. She sounds like a serial monogamist who keeps making it to the final round of dating, only to be told she's not The One. She talked about how tough this past year has been, etc and I just sat there feeling bad for her. We've all been there and it sucks. It especially sucks when it's on national TV and you have to walk and anguished mile and a half to the limo while people stare at you (knowing you had just gotten cut) and the background music is "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and the producers cut to shots of your crush and the girl he chose over you having a great time.....it just makes it a smidge worse.
Never one to miss out on a therapy appointment, Brad phones Dr. Jamie for their chat. Brad basically states that all the women are falling all over themselve to get to him and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....he can't help it that he's just that awesome. Being the incredible therapist he is, Dr. Jamie tells Brad to look out for numero uno and to let the women fend for themselves. He tells Brad to keep his eye on the mission and I get the inkling that Dr. Jamie may be confused about which of his patients he is talking to (it happens). Brad hangs up the phone feeling better for some reason I still can't figure out.
At the rose ceremony, Brad pulls Chantal aside because he is concerned about her recent drama. I'm still not a Chantal fan, but I felt it was a little unfair to single her out for drama....that's be like singling a Hooters waitress for having fake boobs or an orange tan....if you call out one person, you have to call them all out, Brad. They make up and Chantal scoots away from the camera quickly so that Raichel, now watching from home, will not see that she stole one of Raichel's dresses before the manscaper got the boot.
Next, an intern hands Brad a little cake and reminds him that he is supposed to give it to Alli (and then points out who Alli is). The intern also tells Brad that if he wants to look extra smooth, he should mention that the green on the cake is like the green dress she shimmied in front of his face on the first night. He follows the intern's advice and she eats it up.....the lines, not the cake (although she may have eaten the cake....I sure would have!).
In a bold move, Marissa pulls Brad into the bedroom and then babbles on about texts and notes. I have no idea what she is talking about when she shoves him a pile of papers. Marissa, sweetheart - you're an attractive, female, sports analyst....that's the foot you should have led with....not nervous, never-seen/never-heard, 5th grade note writer.
Michelle, who has been somewhat subdued (relative to previous episodes) takes Brad to the bedroom and tells him his time to talk is over. He tries to hide his excitement and she informs him that none of the other girls are right for him and that she recognizes what a good man he is. He tries to speak and she internally wishes that she had packed her whip. Instead she tells him to be quiet and go send some girls home. Sicko Brad is totally turned on and I'm left feeling so uncomfortable I can barely stand it. Michelle went for hot, but it came off as pathetic....truly pathetic. I wonder if she has any idea how many people felt bad for her after that scene....but more importantly, I guess, is that I wonder if she would even care.
In a complete non-shocker of a rose ceremony, Marissa and Lisa (Dorothy from Kansas) are sent home. Chantal receives the last rose of the night, which she takes as meaning she is on thin ice with Brad. Most people would reel it in after such a warning, but I have high hopes for Chantal and they involve her crying on each of her remaining episodes.
My favorite part of the whole night was explaining to Daniel how awful Michelle is and making him watch the dominatrix/bedroom scene. In true guy form, Daniel laughs and says, "I bet the father of her child is watching this, drinking a beer with his buddies saying, "I know she's hot, but see? She's crazy....y'all didn't believe me, but she's crazy." I almost peed myself laughing.
Next week, Brad appears to lose a little of his patience and we hold our breath in hopes that Michelle gets the boot!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)