It's Like De Ja Vu All Over Again

Before I give my thoughts on the opening episode of The Bachelor, I have to get a few things on the table.

1. I was not aware that the Bachelor was starting again until Daniel said, somewhat despondantly, "So I guess you will want me to DVR The Bachelor for you....?" One of the many reasons I'm marrying him.

2. I created this blog about The Bachelor not because I think my insights about the show are so astounding (they're not), but because during the past seasons of The Bachelor, many of my friends and I have sent countless emails/facebook messages back and forth, discussing this gem of a reality show. I think all my my friends are hilarious and yet many don't know each other, so I'm hoping that this will be the place where we can all share our Bachelor insights, funny observations, and "bless his/her heart" moments.

3. Just for the record, I understand why America hated Brad after his first run on The Bachelor....I get it, but I can't say that I felt it. I think he made an honest decision based on where he was at the time. Do I think that he should have probably figured out whether he has a commitment phobia before he agreed to go on a show where he is expected to propose to a relative stranger?...that might have been a good first step. Did he lead the girls on?....more than just a tad. Was it fairly tacky how he handled the situation? Heck yes! And while what he did was cringe-worthy, it's not really any worse than the other Bachelors who have proposed to someone, only to turn around a ditch them several months down the road (ahem ahem, Jake...cough cough, Bob). So, for the record, I'm not necessarily on Team Brad, but I'm not writing from a position of hatred either. Like any good psychologist, I'm hanging out in the gray area.

So, last night I settled in with my burrito bowl from Chipotle and felt actual butterflies of excitement as I saw The Bachelor intro....another season of dysfunction and I can hardly contain myself. I explained the importance of the first episode to Daniel (who conveniently called his parents, brother, and anyone else who was home while I watched The Bachelor) - when it's the Bachelorette and you have 25 guys, most of them can hide their pathology for at least 2 episodes....remember, we all loved Frank in the beginning! But girls....not so much. We usually get to see everyone's pathology on day 1....which leads to a ton of moments that leave me saying, "I'm so embarrassed for her!"

Why ABC felt the need to recap the whole Bachelor Brad: Part 1 fiasco is beyond me. I understand giving a quick intro, but 30 minutes was more than I needed. I will say this - as someone who works in the mental health field, I'm very happy that Brad went to see a therapist to work on his personal issues. See?....therapy works. But after the 15th time he said, "I'm not afraid to admit it - I went to therapy," I started to feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking, "You went to therapy....not to a voodoo doctor!" but I guess, even in our "enlightened" age, stigma still rears its ugly head.

My other favorite part about the recap was that, just as he was talking about how he is a changed man and on The Bachelor for the right reasons, all we saw was him running (with his shirt off), thinking (with his shirt off) and showering (sans shirt). Nothing says "I'm genuinely here to find my wife" like gratuitous bare pectoral shots - again, nice work ABC.

My least favorite part of the first episode of each season is the "ad lib" question and answer session with Chris Harrison.....until this season. I actually rewound Brad's reaction to finding out that Jenny and Deanna were there. I watched it twice....okay,  three times. Part of me hated Chris Harrison for pulling this stunt...part of me thought it was brilliant. Jenny tried her hardest to be so sweet and optimistic, but Deanna pulled no punches. Even though Deanna has moved on and found love, she has clearly not forgotten Mr. Womack's unsavory past....and for that reason (along with her willingness to hold his feet to the fire) I have moved her from the "Ick" box and placed her into the "Most Triumphant" box. Way to go Deanna.

Now that Brad has been metaphorically kicked in the nads, he's ready to meet the 30 strangers from which he must pick his wife! Because I can't remember the order they came out of the limo in, I'm just going alphabetically. But before I get to the ladies, did anyone else feel like Brad was a bit desperate? I just kept having flashbacks to Sally Field's acceptance speech - "They like me!!! They really really like me!!!" I cringed for him numerous times. Alright, on to the ladies!!!

Alli: This woman obviously wants to be chosen for her brains and sparkling personality....which is why she chose to wear a green dress that barely covers her nipples. If the kid from Meet the Fockers was watching, his little fingers would have quickly tired from doing the sign for "milk". And, as if the boobs weren't enough, she is also the girl who asked Brad if she could handle her junk in the trunk. I thought she was surely not getting a rose....Mr. I'm-Here-To-Find-My-Wife decided otherwise.....go figure.

Ashley H: She's the dentist who likes to dance in Risky Business outfits. Initially I liked her, but in the sneak peak provided at the end of the show, it appears that wheels come off. One juicy tidbit showed her mouth being bleeped out as she cussed while on a group date....as a dentist, she should know that having filth fly out of one's mouth is not good for your dental health. But alas, she held it together for the first night and earned herself a trip to the next round. She's our front runner for the "Closet Crazy" award.

Ashley S: I was afraid that she would be all sob story (and her story is truly sad), but she is not leading with it and for that, I commend her. I knew she would get the First Impression Rose by being one of the only girls to not verbally flog Brad with questions about his past misbehavior. She's cute, sweet, and Southern....the killer trifecta for Brad. She's one of my front runners to make it all the way to the end.

Britnee: When I saw that she had the cojones to have Brad come get her from the limo, I thought, "We've got a real spitfire on our hands." And while it was a clever way to get his attention, I don't think she planned beyond that point because everything after that was bo-ring. I was expecting 4-alarm chili and got ketchup. I wasn't the only one left unimpressed....she went home roseless.

Britt: Bringing Brad food was a creative way to make herself memorable (she's a chef) and a no-brainer when it comes to men....feed them and they are happy. He may not take her to the end but no man is going to send home the chef on the first night.

Chantal: She gets my first "Oh honey no" of the night. Where do I begin? I think the alarm bells started ticking when she stated that she has just recently gotten divorced and "hates being alone." The alarm bells became audible when she stated that she is not good at the dating scene because she hates playing games....which begs the question - does she know what The Bachelor is? For someone who hates playing games, a reality TV show where grown women compete for a complete stranger as if he was the last man alive should be about as appealing as helping others is to Paris Hilton. I mean, the games are why we watch The Bachelor! Can you imagine how boring the show would be if everyone practiced good communication, honest intentions, and conflict resolution skills? Snooze fest 2011! But if that wasn't enough, my alarm bells practically exploded when she slapped Brad across the face upon first meeting him. Didn't anyone tell her that hitting the boy you like on the playground was supposed to have stopped at age 6?...apparently not....and apparently Brad has some masochistic tendencies because she got a rose.

Cristy:......?

Emily: Another really sad story (I actually welled up a little as I watched), but again, she did not lead with it so she's good in my book. Brad is clearly taken with her beauty (she is stunning) and the South Carolina Southern drawl is just the icing on the cake. Not entirely sure how Brad feels about being involved with a woman who already has a child, but her beauty and sweetness is enough to take her far. My only hope is that she doesn't get in her own way or that she becomes an emotional wreck. I think she'll make it to the final three but don't think she'll go the distance. But for now she has a rose.

J: Call me crazy, but I liked her....unfortunately, Brad did not. She seemed genuine and confident (but not in an obnoxious way). My favorite J moment was her face when Keltie was trying to teach Brad how to high kick. At that point, she probably wished she would be sent home so she didn't have to actually live with these girls....and for her own sanity sake, Brad granted that wish.

Jackie: The jury's out on this one. She's one of the girls in a bright yellow dress. She's an artist, but came across more like a Bieber-loving, valley girl. I guess they didn't say what kind of artist she is....she could be a Bieber Collage artist. There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but unfortunately, I think she will go far based on the sneak peak shots. Regardless, she's going to have to put making air-brushed Bieber t-shirts on hold for a while bc she got a rose.

Jill: A cautionary tale to the next generation: Do not let the first words out of your mouth to a man be "I can't wait to get married." Especially if that man had nation news-worthy commitment phobias. Try starting with your name, maybe your occupation...."I want to bear your children" is something you have to ease into. Had she not led with such "excitement" I think she would have gotten a rose....but, the damage was done and she was sent home.

Keltie: Although Daniel refuses to watch The Bachelor, he does occassionally come into the room when I'm watching it. Right as Keltie came bounding out of the limo, he came in to grab his book and uttered my favorite quote of the evening, "She looks like Steven Tyler in a dress!" That image was permanently burned into my head and now all I can think when I see her is, "I don't want to close my eyes....." However, I actually do want to close my eyes because Keltie makes me very uncomfortable. If she can tone it down, she may become palatable, but I don't think I'm going to have to endure her for much longer. I'm just glad she didn't form a kick line when she got a rose.

Kimberly: Proving that Brad is a glutton for punishment, Kimberly advanced to the next stage after grilling Brad and stating that she didn't want to get "screwed over." Again, strong and confident is one thing....rude and intrusive is another. Masochistic Brad gave her a rose anyways.

Lacey: Couldn't really focus on her because I was too focused on the fact that she was wearing the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding...and in the same exact color!!! The good news was that I loved the way it looked on her (she was pretty too). I was so distracted by the dress I can't remember much else....and neither could Brad, so he sent her home.

Lauren: Not a fan. I think she was aiming for "comically snarky" but ended up projecting "PMS-ing irritation." I felt like she was preparing for her exit before she even stepped out of the limo and I loved her "in promptu" speech at the end when she cried over this love lost and informed America that Brad would not find anyone better than her....let's agree to disagree.

Lindsay: Unfortunately reminds me of someone I don't like so I was heckling her from the moment she stepped out of the limo. For me, her bold choice of wearing red as a red-head did not pay off, but there were so many roses to give out....someone had to get one.

Lisa M: There's no place like home - and, at least for now, she doesn't have to go home. I swear she looked about 12-years-old and the fact that she referenced a childhood classic didn't help matters. But it was a clever way to get noticed and a great way to utilize her free time before recess.

Lisa P: Completely unforgettable....best personality....beautiful smile....okay, I'm lying - I can't remember who she is.

Madison: Chantal may have received the first "O honey no" of the evening, but Madison got the loudest. I actually audibly groaned at the TV. When she first talked about the fangs, I thought she would (at most) have them on when she met Brad as a way to be remembered, but then quickly take them off once she was inside. But no...she kept those suckers (get it?) on all night. Not only that, but she has adopted a way of carrying herself that reminds me of my patients when they start abusing their pain medications....droopy, dazed, and off-putting. The thing that bothers me most is that it's an act. If you look at her photo on The Bachelor website, she looks like she bounced off the cover of Teen Vogue. Yet she is trying to be dark and mysterious. This was another moment that had me going, "I see how serious you are about finding love, Brad!" But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always think there is one woman who the producers say, "I know she's crazy, but you can't cut her." Remember Michelle from Jake's season? Meet the new Michelle.

Marissa: I love her and he loves that she loves sports! That's a lot of love and when you put it all together, it means she got a rose. I hope she goes far, but don't think she will. (middle of the pack)

Meghan: Personally, I HATED the shoes...and couldn't get passed them. She's lucky she's trying to win the love of a man....a woman would never have let her get by with those gunboats on her feet. Seriously, they were huge and loud....they were Alli (green dress) as shoes. But like Ms. Big Booty, Meghan gets to stay.

Melissa: If she can tone it down, she has potential. The whole "catch me" bit was too much and I personally would have laughed so hard if Brad fell over. I wonder if they had to do several takes of that. She got a rose, but she's on probation in my book....she better drop the act or she's going to get dropped.

Michelle: If anyone is going to give Ashley H. a run for her money on the "Closet Crazy" award, it's Michelle. The moment she uttered the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends with the other girls...." I knew we had our resident troublemaker. And the fact that she is gorgeous means that she will probably stay longer than expected. I love how Bachelor contestants think that explaining how their intention is not to make friends somehow excuses the flood of nasty behavior they are about to air. If looks could kill, many of those girls would be dead. I feel like she's a slightly different version of Trish (from Jesse Palmer's "amazing" season) - I think Brad will get to see a very different side of her than what she shows to the rest of the girl.

Renee: Traditionally, I have always unconditionally cheered for the girls from Illinois (go Jen!)...but I just couldn't cheer for Renee. When you come across as immature relative to the rest of The Bachelor contestants, you have some serious growing up to do. I almost expected her to slip Brad a note that read: "I heart you - Do you want to talk to me? Check "Yes" "No" or "Maybe"" Watching her reminded of that great episode of Sex and the City where Carries boyfriend informs the ladies that if a man wants to go up to your place at the end of a date, nothing (not an early day the next day, not an impending deadline....nothing) will stop him. I felt like telling Renee, "If he really wants to talk to you for more than 30 seconds, he would tell the other women he'll be right with them after he finishes his conversation with you." Do you think she ever noticed the look of relief on his face every time someone came to "steal him away" from her?

Raichel: She'll forever be known as "The Manscaper." I like her but feel she is more cut out for Jerseylicious than The Bachelor. In an alternate universe, I think we would be friends, but I think her time on the show is limited. Also, as we saw in the shirtless montage of Brad, he doesn't have much hair to be waxed.

Rebecca: She's done her homework and she knows that the girls who get kisses on the first night tend to at least make it past the first round....well, some streaks are meant to be broken. It's back to kissing frogs, my dear.

Sarah L: The most interesting thing about her (other than the fact that she was missing the top part of her gown) is that she cannot snap her fingers.....well, I can't whistle and I can honestly say that that's never been a selling point with the fellas. If that's the best you've got, you're going home (and make it snappy.....(groan) - I couldn't resist)

Sarah P: She took it to the next level and actually had Brad propose to her. I'm fairly certain he was fantasizing about Emily when he was down on one knee, but in the confusion he still gave her a rose.

Shawntal: The only woman with a better job than Raichel....she's a professional embalmer!!! Keeping her may have been a tactical move - if Madison fangs anyone to death, Shawntal will know what to do! On a serious note (as if embalming were not a serious topic), I like her in a weird way....but no worries, I'm not going to get a pair of fangs of my own. In a weird way, Brad liked her too and gave her a rose (not sure he knows about her plans for him and the mausoleum, though)

Stacey: She's the wicked awesome bartender from Boston. I like her but don't want to get too attached because I think she's going to be mixing up dirty martinis very soon. She appeared calm and confident, but I think Brad may be looking for someone who is going to gush all over him...black dress with chains on it does not signify a gusher.

Whew...and those lovely ladies are who Brad gets to pick from. Because the producers and casting directors at ABC are natural matchmakers, I'm certain that Brad will fall head over heels in love with at least one woman and finally get his happily ever after....for at least 6 months after the final rose (if we're basing this prediction on past Bachelor performance)