What a week! This episode definitely made up for some of the snooze-fest episodes we had to endure at the beginning of the season....but this is why we watch, right?
Like last week, we follow the graphic arts plane to the next location: Anguilla. The sunny skies, sandy beaches and beautiful sunsets remind us of St. Lucia and we start scanning for Vienna in her frilly-bottomed teal bikini. Thankfully, neither she nor Jake are anywhere to be found. But ever-reliable Chris Harrison pops up to tell the girls about the week. In what is somewhat foretelling of the rule-breaking that is going to be going on this episode, Chris informs the remaining bachelorettes that there will be 3 one-on-one dates and one group date...however, there will be no roses on the individual dates, but there will be one up for grabs on the group date. So, in a way, it's actually better to be on the group date...go figure! Regardless, Michelle knows that she will get an individual date this time to make up for Brad breaking his promise not to repel with anyone but her!
The first date card is for Emily and everyone in TV land lets out a collective "awwww." She states that she is looking forward to her and Brad getting past those initial butterfly stages....I'm looking forward to Brad showing an ounce of charisma. We all feel bummed for Britt because she still has not had a one-on-one date, but we assure ourselves that she will get the next one - if she doesn't, I'm going to start spouting my theory that he is her cousin who is there to spy on the other girls (a la Jesse Palmer's season)...which would be awesome...but which would also give their make-out scenes a whole new meaning.
Brad picks up Emily and surprise surprise - they get picked up in a helicopter (groan). Emily gushes about how flattered she is that Brad went through all this trouble for her date and I try to suffocate myself with a throw pillow - I love Emily....why is she making all my pet peeve mistakes?! Let's go through this one more time....Brad has nothing, and I mean 0%, to do with planning the dates. Therefore, don't be surprised when, after the show is over and he no longer has an intern setting everything up for him, he becomes the most unromantic, boring man ever. Really, it's not fair to set these girls up, but then again anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together should have already figured this one out.
The helicopter takes Brad and Emily to their own private island....which is really just a sandbar with a manshift leanto on it. Emily is excited and I wince at the thought of being on a deserted island with Brad....that would mean that we would have to strike up a conversation and let's just say chatting up the ladies has not proven to be his strong suit.
Brad admits to being really nervous around Emily and I think maybe this explains his awkwardness. Emily is flattered by it and they talk about how much they like each other and Emily makes the comment that she had originally stated their relationship would not work out unless the sun and the moon were there together...which, conveniently they are. I'm confused because I don't ever recall her saying that....but, if she did in fact say that, the intern who planned this date needs a raise pronto because that was genius!
At dinner we are treated to a lovely meal on the beach and another round of the braided bang hairstyle. Thankfully, due to creative editing, we get to the meat and potatoes of this meal quickly. Brad wants to know if he will get to meet Emily's daughter, Ricky, on the hometown date. Emily sighs and Brad gets flustered. This single moment did two things for me:
1) Made me love Emily and respect her as a mother even more. This is her child, not her puppy dog, and she has every right to be protective of her daughter...she's her mother. Her behavior, is of course in contrast to Michelle's behavior in which she talks about her daughter like the newest accessory - "I can't wait to bring you to meet my daughter! Don't worry, she won't be confused or traumatized, I bring new men over all the time to meet her."
2) Made me actually dislike Brad....who is now known as Mr. Selfish. Yes, I can understand that he would like to meet Emily's daughter since she is such an important part of Emily's life (and would be a significant aspect of his life if he and Emily ended up together) - I get that. But the fact that he could not see or respect that Emily is just being a good mom really bothered me. So now he's selfish and boring....remind me why he's the Bachelor.
In the first of several rule-breaking moments, Brad tells Emily outright that she is getting a rose at the next ceremony....so this whole "Will you introduce me to your daughter or won't you?" is not a hypothetical - it's going to happen....and you have one week to make that huge decision Em....good luck! You know that when he told her he was going to give her a rose, that poor intern was thinking, "I'm getting fired! After all the over-the-top romantic dates I plan, I'm going to get fired because Brad has gone rogue!" But are we really to be surprised that Brad has difficulty staying within the lines? I mean, the only reason we're on Brad's Season: The Sequel is because Brad refused to pick anyone at the end of his first season...that's breaking the cardinal rule of the Bachelor...you must pick someone - even Bob Guiney gave Estella a diamond friendship ring before dumping her for a soap opera star.
Emily's date ends and we find out, through another datecard, that Shawtal is the recipient of the next one-on-one date. The camera immediately goes to Britt and we all just cringe in embarrassment for her. The card might as well said, "Dear Not Britt" - I felt so bad for her and she clearly was getting worried herself.
But I quickly bounce back because I adore Shawntal and am excited that she (and not Michelle) got the second one-on-one date. Thankfully Shawtal does not know that Emily was whisked away to a private island...if she did, her date of riding bikes around the farmer's market might feel a little inferior. She and Brad ride their bikes, drink coconut milk straight from the coconut and chat up Ms. Cleo's cousin, Auntie B. Auntie B. has some sage advice for our little lovebirds - they should hold hands and maybe kiss. She clearly has never seen The Bachelor or heard of the infamous "fantasy suite." This date reminds me of Jake's date with Gia....but then I remember that Gia got sent home at the rose ceremony after the date and I start to worry for Shawntal.
Emily and Brad had a wonderful time watching both the sun and moon while on a deserted island....Shawntal and Brad set up a picnic in someone's backyard where there are goats....I'm just saying. But Shawntal is game for this and gathers up the cajones to tell Brad she is falling for him. He seems pleased with this news and we clearly see that he is not as smitten with her as he is with Emily. And for anyone who missed that, he outright says that this date is not at the same level as his date was with Emily. I cross my fingers and pray that the date-planning intern gets back his A-game and plans something amazing for the evening.
Dinner is being served at what looks like a deserted resort. Brad and Shawntal set up shop in a little thatch hut on the water. It's cute. They talk about Brad's father leaving and Shawntal asks if it's awkward for Brad to hear about her family and father since they are really close. Brad confesses that he doesn't usually talk about his dad and they he loves how comfortable he is with Shawntal. My worry grows.....there's something about the way he always compliments her with words like "comfortable" and "relaxed"...these are friend words. But, I hold out hope when Brad says he (meaning the intern) has something amazing planned and they kiss in the rain....I just didn't know that the "something awesome" was Bankie Banx, the most famous Aguillan musician. Why Brad needs to tell is this is beyond me....it's as if Aguilla is just bursting at the seams with future Grammy winners. Shawntal looks hella confused and I internally curse the ABC intern for giving Shawntal the worst one-on-one date in Bachelor history. I think Michelle slipped the intern $50 and some tongue to sabatoge the date....well done, intern.
In order to escape the musical stylings of Bankie Banx, Shawntal makes a break for the ocean. We get a glimpse of the butterfly tatoo on her back....which would not have been so bad if the butterfly didn't look like something out of the Mezozoic Era. Daniel popped in at this very moment to say hello and goes, "That's going to look great in 10 years."....see, Brad? That's charisma.
Meanwhile, back at the temporary homestead, my spy-theory is blown out of the water when Britt receives the last one-on-one date. Even though this means they will be on the group date, Ashley H and Chantal seem genuinely glad that Britt finally gets a one-on-one date. Michelle feels nothing of the sort and gives Britt the stink-eye.
Brad admits that Britt is behind and I fight back the urge to yell at the TV, "Yeah, well who's fault is that?" At this point the only thing Brad knows about Britt is what toothpaste she uses and what the back of her throat feels like....that's it. So, when he picks her up, I couldn't help but feel that the date was either going to be incredible or a total flop...no in-between. And within 5 minutes, I sadly realized it was the latter....and so did Brad.
The intern, pissed at Brad for breaking the rules and worried that he is going to get fired, has clearly given up hope and given up planning awesome dates. Brad and Britt walk down to the beach where Brad announces that there's a yacht waiting for them....they just have to swim 2 miles to get to it. Britt, the ex-gymnast, is not phased by this and jumps right in. At this moment, I actually wished that Michelle had been the one on this date as I would have loved to see her struggle through this one.
Once aboard the yacht, Britt and Brad struggle for conversation. He tells the camera that he's worried there's no sexual chemistry between them and I start to think that she really might be his cousin. The yacht pulls up to a place called Little Bay and Brad tells Britt that they are going to be cliff diving. I, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see things) just recently saw a cliff-diving internet clip on Tosh.O that did not go so well....so, as they climbed, I prepared myself to watch someone get really hurt. Brad jumped first and Britt was left all alone at the top of the cliff. Despite her shaking bones, she jumped off and managed to impress Brad, who informed the camera that he still didn't feel like kissing Britt. Bummer.
All of a sudden it's night and Brad and Britt are back on the yacht. Britt is sporting a color I think only she can pull off and Brad is looking uncomfortable. Brad confesses that he doesn't see a future with Britt and decides to break the rules for the second time in one episode! It's like the date with Alli all over again. And, just like Allie, Britt doesn't sense it coming and makes matters worse by saying that the day couldn't have gone any better.....really? That's a pretty low standard for "amazing date." Brad at least lets her finish her meal so she will have the energy to swim back to shore after he dumps her. Meanwhile, the intern is getting liquored up on the lower deck of the yacht. Britt attempts to convince Brad that if he just got to know her, he might feel differently, but Brad points out that he took a lot of heat last time for stringing girls along and he can't take that bad publicity again....his mind is made up and she's got to go.
In one last gesture of kindness, he lets her take a dinghy back to shore, but apparently does not let her take her shoes. She walks barefooted back to the house where she is excitedly greeted by Ashley and Chantal, who want to hear all about the date. Britt tells them, "I'm packing," and they try to cover their excitement with looks of concern. Britt, in what could have been an awesome move, explains that "it just wasn't there" for them, making it sound like a mutual decision. She unfortunately forgot that once the show aired we would all know the truth....but at least, in that moment, she was the coolest girl in the house.
So, in case we hadn't had our fill of awkwardness, the disgruntled intern has decided to punish everyone with the next group date, including our Bachelor. Michelle, Chantal, and Ashley are all awakened at the crack of dawn and it's clear there is not a morning-person in the bunch.
They arrive at some makeshift studio to find out that they will be participating in a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition. Chantal states she wished she had not eaten so much and then proceeds to stand in the most unflattering poses. For the first time, Ashley makes me laugh not out of embarrassment for her by discussing her lack of rack and shouting "No boobs!" Narcissitic Michelle calmly sips on her coffee and informs the camera that she's comfortable with all this because she's done "a little modeling"....let's not get ahead of ourselves - sending naked text photos of yourself to someone you met in the bar is not modeling, sweetheart.
Out of the beach, Ashley is up first and really gets into the shoot....no boobs and all. The director suggests she takes off her top and I think there's no way that the tube sock-wearing, cavity-filling dentist will go for that. Cut to the shot of her holding two sea shells in front of her chest. Not to be outdone, Chantal is next. Despite feeling insecure, Chantal decides that she just needs to go for it. She also opts to take a few shots sans top, but there's a big difference between her and Ashley....a BIG difference. Lack of boobs is not a problem for Chantal and she has some difficulty making sure that the girls are covered. Even Brad feels slightly uncomfortable.
Michelle, being the classy woman (not girl) that she is would not dream of exposing her slightly-real breasts. So, she opts for dry humping Brad on the sand. Brad admits to "getting caught up" in their passion and therefore not realizing until it was too late that it was a total d-bag thing to do in front of the two other girls. Brad already knows that the rest of the date is going to be hell.
The "pool party" portion of the date was excruciating. I don't know if it was being in a bikini or having had to watch Brad drool over other girls in various stages of nudity that did it, but all the bachelorettes' insecurities came flying out. Even Michelle looked less confident than her usual egocentric self. There were tears to be shed and several times both Chantal and Ashley questioned why they were there and asked to be sent home if Brad wasn't sure he wanted to keep them. Chantal has tried this move 3 times now and it has never brought about immediate gratification - but bless her heart, she keeps trying. Ashley, on the other hand, earned a rose from the Brad, who did it to assure her that he wanted to keep her around. Ashley and I have been on the rocks recently, but compared to the other two head cases on the date, I don't blame Brad for picking her.
One of two highlights of the date was Brad's conversation with Michelle. He informs her that he's worried they are too much alike...stubborn, strong-willed, etc. Michelle quickly tells him that she's the first to admit it when she's wrong....it's just that she's never wrong. Brad's body language throughout their conversation was very telling - he literally was turned away from her....awesome.
The other highlight was Chantal's 543rd breakdown. Again she pleaded with Brad to send her home if he wasn't sure about her. Brad, mesmerized by her knockers, tried to assure her that they were okay. But he looked exasperated and I'm sure he was secretly wishing he was back on the deserted island with Emily.
At the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Ashley, secure because she already has a rose, has decided that there's no need to dress to impress and wears her comfortable black pajamas. Shawntal wishes the MIA intern would have given her the heads up about the wind because she would have worn a longer skirt. Emily is looking stunning, as always. Chantal looks like she on the verge of a mental breakdown.....as always. And Michelle's dress is managing to defy gravity by attaching itself to her non-moving breasts.
Rather than start the cocktail party, Chris Harrison pulls overtime and shows up early because Brad wants to speak with him. Trying not to look annoyed, Chris asks Brad what's going on. Brad informs Chris that he's made up his mind and does not need the cocktail party to make his decision. At this point I'm convinced either Chantal or Michelle is the one on the chopping. I cross my fingers and pray that it's Michelle and that he doesn't want a cocktail party because he knows that he will get "caught up" in Michelle's tentacles again. But, I've been let down before so I dare not hope too much.
Chris, still irritated that he is doing more work this episode than he has done in the entire season thus far, approaches the ladies and tells them there will be no rose ceremony. Emily is unruffled, confident that Brad will keep his word and give her a rose. Chantal almost cries for the 544th time. Michelle looks slightly nervous but then remembers that Brad is hers and that they will "make babies" together and calms down. Shawtal is still wishing that she had worn a longer skirt and Ashley is sleeping in on one of the couches, clutching her beloved rose in her hands.
The girls line up on the beach and Brad assures them that he is certain he has made the right decision. In other words, he is 100% sure he does not want to marry this next cast off. First rose goes to Emily and Brad earns bonus points with her for keeping his promise. Shawntal gets the next rose and I whoop it up Arsenial Hall-style from the couch. It's down to Chantal and Michelle....two different flavors of crazy. Chantal gets the rose and Michelle gets the boot.
In a surprise ending, we hardly hear a peep from Michelle. She tells Brad that he cannot help her up the stairs and that she doesn't want to talk about it....and that's about it. In the limo she curls up in the fetal position and floats away into a dissociative state. I sincerely think she did not like, much less love, Brad and that it was more about winning for her. I think she tried to squeeze out a few tears there at the end, but ultimately did not really care that she was kicked off....she got her TV time, made a name for herself and will milk her 15 minutes of fame. Nothing new.
Next week is the hometown dates and I think the trip to the embalmer's will sink Shawntal's ship. Ashley's family is as hyper as she is. Emily's daughter shows good instincts by being weary of this awkward man (and camera crew), and Chantal cries....again.
And I can't wait.
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