It's Vegas - All Bets Are Off!

Between battling the icy roads and the lovely respiratory infection brought on by the not-so-subtle 50-degree temperature swing, I have fallen behind on my Bachelor musings....or we can look at it as me having more time to process the blatant pathology of the contestants....let's go with the latter.

As I mentioned before, I love Chris Harrison....however, I do not love his wardrobe consultant. The blue button-up was fine until I got to the cuffs...which possibly had either flowers or butterflies on them (or both!). Horrified, I almost fast-forwarded, but then remembered that Chris was going to tell the girls that they were hitting the road. When he announces that they are all heading to Vegas, everyone (including stink-eye, Michelle) shrieks with delight. Again, this is where I would fail miserably on the show...don't get me wrong, I love Vegas... but last season Ali and the guys got to go to ridiculously awesome places like Iceland, Turkey, and Portugal....as a contestant, I would have been the Debbie Downer to point that out....we got hosed gals, we got hosed.

But the girls are super excited. Just when I think that the producers are going to go super low-budget on this season, I say, "They can redeem themselves if, and only if, they put them up at Aria." Next scene = redemption. Aria is disgustingly beautiful and this Vegas trip, while still a less impressive version of Ali's season, is starting to look better.

Brad takes the girls up to their new home (for the next 48 hours at least) and the squealing continues. Excited is one thing....screaming like a 13-year-old at the Justin Beiber concert is another thing....I'm starting to worry about out these bachelorettes (cringe). Before leaving, Brad does an awkward hand-off of the datecard. Really, everything he does is awkward so I don't know why I'm surprised, but I guess I keep holding out hope that "cool, calm, suave Brad" will show up one day. But that day isn't today. Marissa reads the card (and gets a ton of air time this episode....a sure sign she's heading home) and Shawntal is the chosen one for the one-on-one date.

Shawtal is one of my favorites so she gets a pass for wearing super-short white shorts on her date. They go to a mall and she gushes over how nice it is. As Brad informs her that it is one of the nicest malls in the world, I can't help but think of one of my favorite lines from Napoleon Dynamite: "Like anyone could even know that, Napoleon." Seriously Brad, no need show off. Brad then tells Shawntal that he is taking her on a shopping spree. Nothing like wooing a gal with money that's not yours. Shawtal compares this mall to the strip malls back in Chico and decides that this is like Pretty Woman....again, these girls need a little Pretty Woman refresher course to understand that every time they make that comparison, they're likening themselves to a prostitute.

After many gratuitous, but obligatory, brand label shots later, Shawtal loads up her arms with the bags and heads back to the hotel. I loved her even more when she recognized how uncomfortable it will be to show her purchases to the other girls....and it was. The other girls looked so jealous/disgusted and I loved every minute of it. Michelle looked like she was going to give herself another black eye as she gawked over the $5,000 purse Shawntal bought....I chuckled to myself.

Brad arrives to pick Shawntal up for the date and the girls stare ravenously at him, only taking their eyes off him for a microsecond in order to check out Shawntal's new shoes and mentally plan which items of hers they can steal while she's out on her date. On the rooftop of Aria, a table is set for two and I quickly note that Shawntal is now wearing flip flops and not her 4+-inch heels...and again, I love her more for her practicality.

The date is kind of slowly chugging along until Shawntal decides to confess to Brad about her profession. He initially looks totally stoked about it, but then again, he has tremendous difficulty matching his facial expressions to his emotions. As she talks about the process of embalming, he asks questions and insists he is interested, but then goes on to say that he is going to pass on the meat course of the meal, thank you very much. Shawntal notifies him that she is not a sissy and is going to keep eating (love her!). I firmly believe that if you were not already a Shawntal fan, you must have been converted during their dinner....she was hilarious and genuine and appeared intelligent and mature....a rare combo for this season. Plus, she did an impression of a cross-eyed cat named Peaches, which had me laughing out loud. Despite the unsavory dinner conversation topic, Brad gives her the rose and I am happy. They kiss and finally, we get the fireworks that Michelle has been telling us about. The girls all run to the windows and Michelle is immediately pissed because she knows that fireworks = kissing and this is like the Bachelor's Bat Signal letting the girls know that he and Shawtal are lip-locked.

Again, I'm happy....but only for a moment. As noted in previous episodes, Brad does not seem really excited to kiss Shawntal....she always makes the first move and he gives her the tight-lipped, eyes-squeezed-shut kiss. I fear she is this year's Tenley. As my father so astutely pointed out to me when he tried to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me when I was 30, "When you get married, there has to be chemistry beyond friendship....husbands and wives have to take their clothes off - kids don't come from lettuce patches, you know.".....I remember that verbatim because it is forever seared into my mind as the most uncomfortable thing I have ever heard....and I'm a psychologist.

The group date card arrives and there are still too many girls for me to mentally check them off and deduce on my own who has the dreaded 2-on-1 date. But the shocked faces of the Ashleys tell me everything. They talk about how they are such good friends and I'm confused, but quickly assume that their alliance is laying on the editing room floor somewhere. They cry and Ashley S says that if Ashley H goes home because of her, she'd never forgive herself....Ashley H says nothing of the sort.

But before we go on the 2-on-1, we have to get through the most sadistic group date ever. It's a NASCAR date and Emily, whose fiance died in a plane crash on his way to a NASCAR race, is none too thrilled. However, I thought she did a great job of appearing calm and composed. But, a producer whispers to Brad that he should pull her aside to see if everything is okay. Brad, who is oblivious to all emotions (including his own) obliges....he has to - it's in his contract. They sit down and she goes further into the story and he states he feels like a jerk. Finally, he gets it right. She insists that this will be good for her and Brad asks if she wants him to have Dr. Jamie on hold in case of an emergency. Emily makes it around and talks about how the first few laps are for Ricky and how the last laps are for her to let things go. If she doesn't win, meet your new Bachelorette.

At yet another rooftop party with a pool, Brad pulls Emily aside again...and Alli has had it. She decides to throw all decorum and moral goodness to the side and boldly states that, although she understands that Emily had a rough day (hello understatement!), she is sick and tired of the girls with the best "sob stories" getting all the attention. Remember, Alli has her own sob story - her ex couldn't handle all her "junk in the trunk"....or maybe it was her complete lack of empathy...hard to tell. The tension after that comment was tangible....even psycho Michelle looked shocked....or maybe she was glad someone else said it.

Cut to Brad and Emily talking. Brad starts to give her the "you're not ready for love yet" speech and we finally see some spice come from our Southern belle! She politely (of course) informs him that her life is what it is - she can't change the past - and that she's tired of men not being able to handle her life. The producers frantically wave signals at Brad letting him know that he is coming across as a complete jackhole so he quickly backpedals and states that he is fine with her past and just wanted to check in with her.....riiiiiiiight.

After pulling his foot from his mouth, Brad returns to a number of women who are "not feeling special." Alli is hurt and Brad fights back the urge to tell her that he is just keeping her around because she is a reliable source of cleavage. Chantal again tells him how hard it is to not feel special and Brad gets frustrated. Chantal "accidently" drops the L-word but then takes it back. Brad looks amused and I think is half-surprised that any woman could actually fall in love with him. Chantal when goes on to say the cliche Bachelor line of "If you don't feel the same way I do, send me home." How much ego stroking do these empty vessels need? Seriously, every week he tells you he likes you and makes one-on-one time for you and every week you are a neurotic mess. I'm trying to like her but it's not going well.

Michelle and Brad make out behind a curtain and Emily gets the date rose. Chantal moans that it was like watching Brad and Emily on a date all night....awkward.

Speaking of awkward....welcome to the 2-on-1 date. In keeping with this season's theme of "Let's Rip Off Ali's Season...But Make It Less Awesome" the girls are going to audition for an Elvis revue. In addition to learning who you are compatible with by scaling a building together, someone on the ABC staff has decided that in order to pick your perfect mate, you must first see whether you can swing from hidden wires together in a choreographed fashion....because if you can't, you might as well sign the divorce papers now. I somehow feel this date is set up for Ashley S to lose....remember Ashley H's initial video of her dancing in her tube socks....she's been training her whole life for this moment. Ashley S informs the camera that she will be fighting inner demons...but then doesn't tell us what they are.

After rehearsal, the girls get back into their dresses and sit down to dinner. They must have been running late because Brad cut right to the chase and informed Ashley S. that she will make an amazing wife someday....for someone else. He hands the rose to Ashley H who proceeds to use it to kiss good-bye to her supposedly BFF. I don't know about you, but she she looked more victorious than sad to me. I have to admit that I was shocked....until I remembered Brad's obvious penchant for crazy women. Ashley H has shown him her brand of crazy and he loves it. The rest of the date is super lame and we see them flying through the show looking ungraceful doing even the most simple choreography. My favorite part was when the burly intern comes to get the luggage....again, this is why I'm not on the show - they would have had to edit out the part of me going Latin Assassin on that intern since I would have been convinced that he was a robber/murderer. They need to pay their interns more - this guy looked like a random person pulled off The Strip.

My least favorite part was Ashley S.'s exit interview. I must be softening in my old age because I felt terrible for her. She sounds like a serial monogamist who keeps making it to the final round of dating, only to be told she's not The One. She talked about how tough this past year has been, etc and I just sat there feeling bad for her. We've all been there and it sucks. It especially sucks when it's on national TV and you have to walk and anguished mile and a half to the limo while people stare at you (knowing you had just gotten cut) and the background music is "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" and the producers cut to shots of your crush and the girl he chose over you having a great time.....it just makes it a smidge worse.

Never one to miss out on a therapy appointment, Brad phones Dr. Jamie for their chat. Brad basically states that all the women are falling all over themselve to get to him and he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings....he can't help it that he's just that awesome. Being the incredible therapist he is, Dr. Jamie tells Brad to look out for numero uno and to let the women fend for themselves. He tells Brad to keep his eye on the mission and I get the inkling that Dr. Jamie may be confused about which of his patients he is talking to (it happens). Brad hangs up the phone feeling better for some reason I still can't figure out.

At the rose ceremony, Brad pulls Chantal aside because he is concerned about her recent drama. I'm still not a Chantal fan, but I felt it was a little unfair to single her out for drama....that's be like singling a Hooters waitress for having fake boobs or an orange tan....if you call out one person, you have to call them all out, Brad. They make up and Chantal scoots away from the camera quickly so that Raichel, now watching from home, will not see that she stole one of Raichel's dresses before the manscaper got the boot.

Next, an intern hands Brad a little cake and reminds him that he is supposed to give it to Alli (and then points out who Alli is). The intern also tells Brad that if he wants to look extra smooth, he should mention that the green on the cake is like the green dress she shimmied in front of his face on the first night. He follows the intern's advice and she eats it up.....the lines, not the cake (although she may have eaten the cake....I sure would have!).

In a bold move, Marissa pulls Brad into the bedroom and then babbles on about texts and notes. I have no idea what she is talking about when she shoves him a pile of papers. Marissa, sweetheart - you're an attractive, female, sports analyst....that's the foot you should have led with....not nervous, never-seen/never-heard, 5th grade note writer.

Michelle, who has been somewhat subdued (relative to previous episodes) takes Brad to the bedroom and tells him his time to talk is over. He tries to hide his excitement and she informs him that none of the other girls are right for him and that she recognizes what a good man he is. He tries to speak and she internally wishes that she had packed her whip. Instead she tells him to be quiet and go send some girls home. Sicko Brad is totally turned on and I'm left feeling so uncomfortable I can barely stand it. Michelle went for hot, but it came off as pathetic....truly pathetic. I wonder if she has any idea how many people felt bad for her after that scene....but more importantly, I guess, is that I wonder if she would even care.

In a complete non-shocker of a rose ceremony, Marissa and Lisa (Dorothy from Kansas) are sent home. Chantal receives the last rose of the night, which she takes as meaning she is on thin ice with Brad. Most people would reel it in after such a warning, but I have high hopes for Chantal and they involve her crying on each of her remaining episodes.

My favorite part of the whole night was explaining to Daniel how awful Michelle is and making him watch the dominatrix/bedroom scene. In true guy form, Daniel laughs and says, "I bet the father of her child is watching this, drinking a beer with his buddies saying, "I know she's hot, but see? She's crazy....y'all didn't believe me, but she's crazy." I almost peed myself laughing.

Next week, Brad appears to lose a little of his patience and we hold our breath in hopes that Michelle gets the boot!