It's My Birthday, I Can Be Psycho If I Want To

I needed a good day to digest the craziness that is this season of The Bachelor...aye aye aye - these women are giving past seasons' casts a run for their money in terms of over-the-top antics! This is not to say I didn't have a good laugh at times during the episode....but there were definitely a lot of moments when I metaphorically curled into the fetal position, went to my happy place, and prayed that the women on screen would just stop and go away....thankfully, some of them did. Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, It's Michelle's birthday (not her 29th or her 31st....her 30th!)

I have a feeling that every episode this season is going to start with Brad looking thoughtful while doing some completely irrelevant activity. This week it was palming a football at the edge of a cliff....for some reason the producers at ABC thought the combo of football and cliff = this guy is really serious about findng a wife....sure, we'll go with that. I also have a feeling that every week we will be reminded of Brad's failure to pick a woman during his last Bachelor go-round and of how he is truly a changed man and ready to find love this time....he's going to make it work, gosh darn it - even if it means having to marry a woman with fangs.

{Side note on our resident vampire, I never in a million years ever thought I would say this - she's not the craziest one in the bunch! We didn't get a see a lot of her this week, but I wonder if that's because her reflection doesn't show up on camera. Or she could have been overshadowed by Michelle since, in case you missed it, it was her birthday.}

Let me also say that I love Chris Harrison because you can tell how bored he is with his job. He essentially has the exact same script each year (and those of us who watch each season often find ourselves saying his lines along with him). To his credit, he slides in some under-the-radar verbal jabs from time to time in order to spice things up. This week though, he kind of phoned it in. How could he have done to Michelle on her birthday? (and her 30th birthday at that!)

So, Ashley H., the dentist who dances around in tube socks and short shorts, gets the first date and it's a one-on-one. She's pumped, some girls pretend to be excited for her, other girls shoot her evil looks. Ashley S. looks really bummed because she got the first impression rose and now feels like he might have picked a new favorite, or quite possibly confused the other Ashley with her....either way, it's not good. We flash forward to Brad coming to pick her up. Ashley H. bounces down the stairs in her dress that is 1/2 sequined gold (a la Las Vegas lounge singer (think Whoppie in Sister Act)) and 1/2 gold tutu (a la pimped out ballerina), all tied neatly together with a gold bow. There was so much wrong with this dress that it almost came together as a "right"....I said "almost."

Brad and Ashley drive together down the highway and turn off into the woods. Ashley H says that she's scared and jokes about something bad happening. That's right, hon, the producers have run out of date ideas so they've decided to throw in a wooded chainsaw murder date to liven things up. Seriously, how much danger can you be in when there is a whole camera crew there as witnesses....I'm sure at least the guy with the boom mic would step in to help if needed. As it turns out, there's no carnage in store, but rather a makeshift carnival. The camera catches these two lovebirds frolicking from ride to ride, eating cotton candy, and winning stuffed animals. Then we are treated to the sentiment that is uttered every season of the Bachelor (and I'm paraphrasing): "I want to make sure (name) can relax and have fun and act like a kid." Color me confused, but I thought acting like a child was a bad thing. When you tell something they are being childish, it's not usually meant as a compliment. But somewhere in the world of The Bachelor, being able to act like a child is right up there with honesty and trustworthiness as wanted virtues...this could explain the success rate of Bachelor couples.

There was a serious conversation at the end when both Brad and Ashley H. talked about their absent fathers. As a psychologist, I appreciated their ability for self-reflection...however, they seemed to conceptualize it as reasons why they both are guarded. Two guarded people does not make a match made in heaven. But Ashley H., determined to not be sent home, grabs Brad and pulls him in for a kiss. And thanks to the creative editing by the staff at ABC, it appears that the kiss goes on much longer than it really does. If you take careful note, you'll notice that Ashley H. initiates the majority of the kisses (and even asks, "Can we do that again?") - not a good sign. However, he's definitely not ready to send her home so he gives her a rose.

Next up is the group date. Melissa cannot believe that there will be 14 other women with her on her 30th birthday date. How dare they! It's clear to her that she is the right one for Brad, so she gets a little pissy that he needs to keep up the charade and go through all the other eliminations - remember, there will be fireworks when they kiss. {And as a side note, I didn't understand the superhuge (dinner plate-sized) earrings paired with the 80's ripped, Flashdance top....but she can wear what she wants - it's her birthday).

Maybe it's the fact that there is a vampire wanna-be in the group, but ABC decides that the girls will be involved in a PSA promoting blood donation for the Red Cross. Can I please say how sick and tired of all the "acting" related dates that have gone on in the past couple of seasons? They are so stupid! And let's face it, everyone does more acting off camera than on camera....Brad acts like he's a changed man, Raichel acts like her dresses fit her, Michelle acts like she has a soul....errrrr....you get my point. Highlights of this date include the following:
1) Melissa being cast a cougar because I know I'm not the only one questioning her stated age of 32
2) Keltie having to be the butch girl with the arm casts....and I have to say, she pulled off the comedic part of that very well.
3) Britt, the self-proclaimed prude, out-skanking Chantal (the not-self-proclaimed prude) and
4) the girls accusing Stacey of 'messing up on purpose" so she could get to kiss Brad more....that's just smart game-playing gals.

Two incidences earn some extra attention:
1) Melissa literally diving into Brad with an ambush kiss right to the fake mustache. The only word to describe his face is "horrified." Melissa has a thing for literally throwing herself at men - remember how she dove into Brad's arms screaming "Catch me!" on the first night?...geez, if this isn't a more blatant metaphor for how she handles her dating life, I don't know what is. Lest we forget, she will quickly remind us that she quit her job to be on the Bachelor...some would say that's confidence....given the fact that it's her, I'm going to put it in the delusional bucket.

2) Michelle's meltdown was classic! We now have a better understanding of why she said she doesn't have any girl friends. I think Brad handled it as well as he could, but you could definitely see some irritation and confusion on his face - guys tend to not "get" girl drama. But you know he was thinking, "Good thing you're hot...I just gotta keep you around until fantasy suite time." Besides,  it's her birthday, she can be psycho if she wants.

The rooftop party was fairly uneventful, until Melissa reared her cougar temper. No matter how many times I watch that sequence of events, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Melissa and Raichel were fighting about. Even more confusing is that Raichel appeared to be the one trying to walk away from a confrontation, but it was Melissa who kept poking the bear with the stick! Raichel strikes me as the kind of gal who has a TKO or two under her belt, so the fact that Melissa didn't leave on a stretcher shows me that court-ordered anger management classes can help....either that or Raichel recognized that Melissa is c-r-a-z-y and was afraid that she would have the superhuman strength that sometimes accompanies active manic episodes.

The only other noteworthy part of the evening was that birthday girl Michelle got the rose at the end of the date. I am going to assume it was a birthday-pity rose....or a "thank God you're pretty enough to make up for your craziness rose"....hard to tell - those roses can look alike. Ever-modest Michelle took the opportunity to do a little victory dance in the pool, where she flaunted her rose in front of the 14 other roseless bachelorettes....again, I'm shocked blood was not shed.

The next one-on-one date was with Jackie. After episode one, I was feeling ambivalent about her, but after this episode....still ambivalent. She seemed a lot nicer this time around - I had been worried during the first episode that she would have the "behind-the-scenes-bitchiness" that plagues no less than 3 contestants every year. But she headed off to her Pretty Woman date. Now, this is where I would fail miserably on a show like this. My date would have played out like this:
Brad: Today, I'm taking you on this amazing Pretty Woman date where you are going to be pampered and treated like royalty.
Me: Royalty? Have you seen Pretty Woman? She's a prostitute! Do I look like a prostitute?
Brad: No...of course not. I'm just reading the cue cards they told me to read.
Me: Zip it, Dr. Phil protege - I'm no hooker, and you're no Richard Gere.

Hence why I comment on reality shows rather than star in them.

After a very blah, vanilla scene of them in robes with mud on their faces, Brad leads Jackie up to a room filled with dresses and accessories - a girl's dream. Jackie, the artist, proceeds to pick out the most boring, ill-fitting dress in the entire room. It seriously looked like a shiny Glad trash bag cinched around her waist. The jewelry was a nice touch (thanks Neil Lane!), but again - we've seen this date before on previous seasons (but never on Michelle's birthday)

After thanking Brad for the 1054th time, Jackie and he arrive at the Hollywood Bowl and Jackie is tickled pink that her name is on the marquee. They sit down to dinner that started off so boring I was tempted to flip to the BCS Championship game. My finger was on the button when Brad asked the million-dollar question:
"So, how many relationships have you had?"
Jackie admitted to only having two serious relationships and to have not dated in college. I am going to assume that Brad had been lulled into a bored state of dissociation and therefore misheard Jackie because he responded to her answer as if she had said, "I have never dated a man before because I have a tendency to murder them before the relationship can really take off."
While Brad sat there, looking as shaken up as Bobby Brown did during the infamous "Crack is whack" interview, Jackie stated that she picks her relationships carefully. I'm not seeing where the bad part is. Brad spins it to mean that she has commitment issues, at which point three words cross my mind: Pot. Kettle. Black. But Brad, after receiving assurance from Jackie that she is ready for a relationship, gives her a rose and reveals the surprise that Train is performing for them. Jackie looks confused - she's an artist, remember? She is not hip to the adult pop scene and has no idea who Train is, but she dances around and feigns happiness after the producers threaten to take her rose away.....She may not be a fan of Train - however, I am still holding out hope that she might be a Justin Beiber collage artist - only time will tell.

Rose ceremony - highlights:
1) Michelle pulling Brad aside to ask him "serious" questions such as where he prefers to get his coffee and what he stocks his fridge with. And like the high school girl she has not been about to grow out of, she assums that on the basis of his answers that they are soulmates. Michelle also takes the time to accuse him of having walls - and she does so in the most intrusive tone possible....one that would make anyone go on the defensive.
2) Emily proved that, if you have a cute little southern accent, you can get away with saying just about anything. I almost fell off the couch laughing when Michelle shared her questions to Brad with the ladies and Emily says, "Are you serious? Oh...I thought you were just being a smart-ass." Your stock in rising, Emily.
3) Melissa having absolutely no clue what an ass she is making of herself. She has yet to learn that being the "damsel in distress" only works when you are actually in distress...not when you are amid your own self-created drama. There's a reason most guys don't watch soap operas....Melissa has yet to figure out why.
4) Sweet Ashley S telling Melissa that she does not care about the drama between Melissa and Raichel and does not want to hear about it. I'm shocked at such healthy conflict resolution from one of the contestants, but quickly remember that Ashley S is a nanny - she's used to dealing with childish fights (and see? Childish is not a good thing!!)
4) Raichel, crying as she pops out of her Jersey Shore dress, stating that she wanted to look beautiful for Brad but is afraid that's ruined because she's crying. Don't worry Raichel, he's not looking your face.
5)Ali and Roberto returning to the show, both looking a little scraggly. "Carefully disheveled" is one thing - just plain messy is another.
6) Melissa telling Ali and Roberto that she's the targeted one in the house - did she not watch Jake's season? Because if she did, she'd quickly remember that Vienna was the targeted one in the house and the main person doing the targeting was....Ali! You know Ali was thinking, "Ahhh...so you're this season's Vienna....I couldn't get rid of her, but I can get rid of you!"...and those weren't notes she was taking on Melissa, I believe I saw the faint outline of a tombstone and a hanging rope.

Here's where I have to give Brad credit - I did not think he would send both Melissa and Raichel home, but he did. He's proven that, despite his willingness to keep Miss Twilight around, he is able to recognize blatant high school troublemakers and is willing to send them home....as long as they are not as hot as Michelle.

Sadest moment of the night - Keltie's exit interview. She was right - I think the costume did her in! But it was truly sad to hear her say, "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone"....in the words of Steven Tyler, she needs to just get back in the saddle again....I mean, come on - you can't tell me that a Rockette can't get a date.

Next week looks like there's more acting dates (yawn) and lots of good maladaptive behavior, with our resident mean girl, Michelle. Can't wait!

Oh...lest I forget - Happy 30th birthday, Michelle!