Once again, Dallas was covered with snow and ice this week, thus delaying my musings on the latest episode of the Bachelor. The leaders of Dallas' administration continue to insist on dumping piles of sand on the roads and remain confused why it's not helping. There's a reason all the northern states use salt - try it...it might work! Thankfully, I live in a state where weather is as bipolar as some of my clients and it will be in the 60's this weekend (yea!)
The one great thing about being delayed in writing is that I have heard from several of you who had your own opinions on this last episode and I'll definitely be inserting some of those here. One of the most painful observations is one that I made on episode 1, but was afraid to voice aloud for fear that it would be misinterpreted. But I now find that I'm not alone. My friend Lauren pointed out that psycho Michelle looks/sounds very much like our friend Amber. The good news (for us...and I guess for Amber as well) is that this is where the similarities end. Amber is a wonderful person with lots of friends and a huge heart. Michelle....well...not so much. Let's just say if Amber had an evil, narcissistic twin, it would be Michelle.
For this episode, ABC splurged a little a took the gals to Costa Rica. Brad arrives in the Bachelor's customary mode of transportation: a helicopter (is anyone else starting to get bored with all the helicopter rides? Seriously...it's overkill!). Next we cut to the girls traveling to Costa Rica and we see a little map that shows a plane flying from Las Vegas to Costa Rica. I initially thought it was stupid, but then quickly remembered how, when I tell people my mom is Panamanian, I am often asked, "Where's Panamania?"....so maybe a map was a good idea - I imagine Michelle saying, "Costa Rica? Yea! I've always wanted to go to Europe!"
Brad takes the bachelorettes to their villa. Along the way to Costa Rica they seem to have taken a vote and decided that nothing says "Looking for love in Latin America" more than a braid that goes across the forehead. Brad awkwardly leaves the date card and we learn that Chantal is getting the first one-on-one date in CR. Needless to say, Michelle is pissed (when is she not?), but Alli is the most angry since she has not yet had a one-on-one date and this is Chantal's second go-round. Brit is the other girl who has only been on group dates, but you know she's thinking, "I don't need a whole date to myself - just 5 minutes of making out with me has convinced him to keep me around until now."
Michelle makes another gem of a comment, stating that she wants Chantal to be attacked by apes and I feel my patience for her starting to run out. Normally, the really crazy girls stay on the show for about 4 episodes before the Bachelor cries "Uncle!" and begs the producers to let him kick her crazy butt to the curb....4 episodes should be the max...they provide entertainment, but haven't reached the point of complete obnoxiousness. Michelle, I feel, has been allowed to stay too long at the party. I'm no longer even entertained by what garbage flies out of her mouth....and if I have to hear, "He is mine!" one more time, I might give myself a black eye.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are hopping on yet another helicopter to go on their date. Brad mentions that he really likes Chantal but does not like the drama she has been bringing lately. Again, not entirely sure it's fair to single her out but let Michelle and her possee of crazies off the hook.
Speaking of Michelle, she's back at the Bachelorette pad complaining to Emily about Chantal. To give Michelle a little credit, I think she had figured out that the polite Southern belles are the ones to complain to - first she picked Ashley S and, now that Askley S is back to nannying in NYC she has picked Emily to be her therapist stand-in. Michelle complains and Emily tries her best to look like she cares even just a little bit. Michelle says she does not like Chantal because she is aggressive and egotistical....yes Michelle, those are undesirable traits.
Back on the date, Brad reveals to Chantal that they are going to be riding on the world's longest zip line and Chantal secretly wishes that the ABC intern had given her the heads up so she could have worn a sports bra. Side note: I love that Brad is showing them the superlatives of everything - the "best" mall, the "longest" zip line....feels like someone is overcompensating for something.
Then something totally bizarre happens - it starts to rain....in the rain forest....I know, I thought it was strange too! Initially I thought the water drops on Chantal's face were just her meeting her tear quota for the episode, but alas, I was wrong. Brad and Chantal both proceed to make comparisons between zip lining in the rain and being in a relationship. Some of the analogies are a stretch at best....all of the anologies are gag-worthy corny. Our Bachelor and resident cry-baby zip through the trees and bore me to death.
Next up, picnic on the beach! Chantal states that she can imagine what it's like to be with Brad every day, proving that she's never been to Austin, TX as there are no rain forest/zip line adventures to be had there. It starts to rain...again. And they are surprised...again. Brad takes Chantal's hand and leads her back to the dry safety of his hotel room (really?...that's awkward) Despite the fact that I'm sure the 5-star resort has cushy, fluffy terry cloth robes to spare, Brad whips out a random white button-down dress shirt for Chantal to put on. She obliges and steps out in nothing but the shirt. Brad, in a throw-back to junior high, gawks at her and attempts to nonchalantly pull off the old "waistband trick." After stuttering about how hot she looks (thank God he does not use Jake's favorite expression of "smokin' hot"!) he disappears into the bathroom (to do what?) and emerges with a rose. Chantal accepts and we go to commercial.
The group date was muy loco! Running out of ideas, the ABC interns decide that the women will go repelling down a waterfall. It may have been due to a lack of ideas or maybe there is one ABC intern who realized that this would send Michelle into an exorcist-ish tizzy and wanted to see if her head would spin around a few times. Most of the girls make it down without much drama, but Jackie just about wets her pants at the thought of repelling. She screams, shrieks and goes to her happy place (a Justin Beiber concert) to make it through the ordeal. Michelle complains that Jackie is overdoing the dramatics/hysterics, conveniently forgetting that she actually cried at the top of the building she and Brad repelled down. Once all the other girls are down the waterfall and Michelle and Brad are alone, she informs him for the 106th time that she is pissed at him. Doesn't he remember? They pinky swore that neither of them would repel down anything with anyone else....and what is more contractually binding than a pinky swear? Michelle then proceeds to actually hit our Bachelor, who, in an act of desperation tells her that he was planning to go down the waterfall with her the whole time....quick recovery, Brad! They repel down the waterfall in their matching tops and Michelle gloats when she reaches the bottom....because repelling down a waterfall next to another person is so meaningful, right? sheesh!
Next stop is a warm srpings where the craziness reaches a new level. Let me put it this way - Ashley H looked normal compared to the other women! Emily continues to shoot herself in the foot by explaining how she always ruins good things that come her way....kind of like she's doing right then. Good thing she is drop dead gorgeous and Brad is willing to overlook anything in the name of beauty and he vows to help her learn to open up.
Jackie, the cool-headed artist, shows her crazy side when she tells Brad that she is disappointed he did not repel down the waterfall with her. Brad is tired of hearing about everything he's doing wrong and half-heartedly apologizes. Jackie pretends that everything is fine and I am left to continue wondering what the big deal is about repelling next to someone.
Back at the resort, Alli's anti-climactic date card arrives, telling her to meet Brad at the altar. I say to myself that she can't honestly believe that this has anything to do with a wedding altar...come on - you haven't even had a one-on-one yet despite all your cleavage flashing....let's hold off on ordering your bridesmaid dresses for now.
We cut back to the disaster of a group date to find Michelle cuddling up to Brad. Michelle continues to express her disappointment in his decisions, especially his decision to give Chantal a rose. She must have been thinking that the Southern niceties shown by Emily and Ashley S would apply to him, but for the first time, we see him starting to get annoyed with her always being pissed at him. News flash Brad: This is her at her best....if you think she's crazy, psycho, drama girl now, this is just the appetizer - marry her and you'll get the entree portion. Again, Brad justifies her behavior by reminding himself that she's hot. They make out in a way that left me curled in the fetal position under the throw pillows on our couch...but, I did peak out long enough to take note that there were no fireworks when they kissed.
In a bold move, Brad decides to not hand out a rose and the women are quickly reminded that this is Brad Womack - he doesn't need to pick anyone and could send them all home. He's done it before....don't make him do it again.
As if we couldn't predict it, the one-on-one date with Alli was the epitome of awkward. This is why people meet for short dates (coffee, a few drinks, appetizers) first before going on longer dates - if it sucks, you only have to endure it for an hour or so. Poor Brad probably knew 5 minutes into the date that Alli was heading home. Sadly enough, Alli was not aware of this fact and kept telling the camera how awesome their date was going! We could tell that he wasn't that into her because instead of treating her to the Bachelor Special (a.k.a.: helicopter), he picked her up on a dinky horse with two baby horses trailing behind.
They arrived at a cave and I expected Mr. Overcompensation to say, "This is the oldest cave in history," but he settled for telling her that the cave was 40 million years old. They walked through the cave, complete with bats and other creepy-crawlies, and arrived at a stone fixture known to the locals as "the altar." They had a boring conversation before freshening up for dinner.
There's nothing worse than being in an overly-romantic setting with someone with whom you have absolutely no romantic chemistry. Again I found myself under the throw pillows. Brad tried to have deep meaningful conversation, but Alli was content to tell him that she is not impressed with big cities or the people who live in them....and we start to realize that her foot-in-the-mouth from last episode may be a chronic condition. The date is sinking fast.....no literally - their table is sinking into the pond so Brad decides to try one last effort to strike up some chemistry with Alli. He asks about her last relationship and she waxes on about how he was such a great guy, but she could not picture herself marrying him....at which point everyone at home knows what's coming up. Alli has handed Brad the perfect segue to get them out of this sinking mess and out of their misery. In the most uncomfortable scene to date, Brad likens their current situation to her situation with her last boyfriend - both are great people, just not right for one another. Blinded by love, Alli says she understands and that she could spend all day, every day with him. Brad has to get more concrete and basically tells her that he is not in love with her. Alli is stunned - According to her theory, she must not have had a good enough sob story to stay....I'm thinking it was more like karma biting her in her oversized caboose. Either way, her and her luggage will not make it to the next destination.
Brad goes back to his bungalow to destress when there's a knock at the door. Thinking it's Lupita with his room service, he opens to door only to find that Michelle is there. He seems surprised....I'm super annoyed because I'm so tired of her at this point. Michelle lies and says she wants to make sure he's okay after sending Alli home. She tells him he made a good decision. He jokingly asks if there are any other decisions she thinks he needs to make....and she does not pick up on the fact that he's joking. Michelle proceeds to tell him the order he needs to kick the other girls off. Masochistic Brad seems slightly amused, but also slightly annoyed. Michelle hints that she has knowledge about the other girls, but then quickly notes that she is not going to share this knowledge because she's a classy girl. She again tells him who he needs to vote off and then tells him that it's his decision to make. She leaves him confused and I scream at the TV, "Just boot her off already!!!"
Rose Ceremony: Brad comes in looking a little defeated. I think he's starting to see the girls for who they really are and he's imaging the flack he's going to catch when he doesn't pick someone this season either. He also mentions that someone has been giving him grief over not handing out a rose on the group date. He and Emily have the first alone time and our Southern belle is on her game - she apologizes for her not so flattering self-disclosure in the hot springs and they stare at each other for a long time.
Meanwhile, Chantal has morphed into Nacy Drew and has deduced that someone must have gone to see Brad after the group date, but before the rose ceremony. I have flashbacks to wrestler Justin (Rated-R) from Ali's season crutching his way up to her home and wonder why no one learns from previous seasons. The girls start discussing who could have possibly done that....and Michelle is conveniently absent.
We then see Brad and Michelle talking. Brad is sitting up a little taller because he finally has his spine back. He asks Michelle how she can be so sure the other girls are not for him when she doesn't really even know him that well. Michelle proceeds to make up events from a date that none of us saw and even Brad looks confused. Remembering that Brad cannot handle a woman in tears, Michelle starts to cry and Brad immediately comforts her. I start to have hope that he's at the end of his rope with her.
Michelle arrives back at the pow wow and Chantal asks her in a round-about way if she said anything to Brad about not handing out a rose on the group date. Michelle admits to giving him the stink-eye and maybe flashing a gang sign or two, but that's all. The group doesn't buy it and Michelle admits to going to see him....an announcement that is not met with happy faces.
Meanwhile Shawtal has decided that she's had enough of talk about emotions - she's used to working with people who don't have emotions...heck, they don't even have pulses! So she suggests they play the silent game. Be boring an detatched? Brad has been training for this his whole life. Shawtal breaks up the silence by making out with him and I'm saddened by the fact that, once again, she has to initiate the kissing. Once Brad wins, however, he goes in for the kiss...I'm assuming it's so he doesn't have to talk about emotions either.
Realizing that Michelle spent alone time with Brad, Chantal decides she needs to lay it all on the table. She tells Brad she loves him, noting that she has nothing to gain by telling him that since she has a rose and can't be eliminated (Lord how I wish you could de-rose people - that would make the game even better!). Brad asks her how she knows this and thanks her for being genuine.
At the rose ceremony, we say adios to Jackie, who secretly is happy to be sent home in time for the premier of Beiber's movie Never Say Never. Michelle gets the last rose and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she's pissed he made her wait so long.
Next week, they're off to Anguilla and I think Brit finally gets a one-on-one date. Chantal tries the "If you don't love me, send me home" tactic for the 12th time (and I wish he would finally say, "then go home!") and I'm sure Michelle will say something that makes me want to hit the mute button when I see her on the screen....she's awesome like that!
Now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to go braid my bangs.
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