Thankfully, this week's episode was infinitely more entertaining than last week's....I don't know if Sampson would have been willing to sit through another snooze-fest with me...and he keeps my feet warm, so he's a necessity.
Rather than starting the episode with Brad looking thoughtful, we see Michelle with a mysterious black eye. Seriously? We're only 4 episodes deep and she has already gone to the inflicting-personal-harm-to gain-attention moves....she's awesome. Michelle parades her battered face downstairs stating that she has "no clue" how she got the black eye in her sleep. Understandable - I woke up just the other day with a shatter femur and can't imagine how that happened...must be that I slept weird.
My favorite part of the "black eye mystery" is sweet little Ashley S. saying she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. I would have loved to have seen that nighttime surveillance footage! Brad seemed a little bummed when he heard that this black eye was of an unknown origin - I think he was secretly hoping that the women had started literally duking it out for him. Michelle seems to think that having a black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date. But alas, Chantal, Michelle's new mortal enemy, is chosen...and now Michelle and her black eye have nothing to show for all her self-abusing efforts...nothing but a black eye at least.
In true Bachelor tradition, a helicopter has been chosen as the mode of transportation for Chantal and Brad's date. Chantal goes on and on about how she cannot believe that Brad would go through all this trouble to set all this up for her.
Well, you can relax a little, Chantal - he didn't. When are the bachelorettes going to accept the fact that Brad has nothing to do with the dates they go on...some ABC intern who is unfortunately not qualified to be the Bachelor himself has come up with these ideas. Give credit where credit is due.
Chantal reminds the home-viewers that she is "not good at the dating thing" and is scared of her feelings for Brad....I don't know that I'd lead with that foot, Chantal.
The sadist at ABC have decided to find out each girl's greatest fears and make that the activity they do on their date. The show really should be called, "Dating Fear Factor"...and when you think about it, how fun would it be to have all the bachelorettes have to make it through the Wipeout obstacle course before getting to the next round...talk about black eyes! I can dream, can't I.
Anyways, the happy couple has landed in Catalina and Chantal informs us that she is scared of the water....so guess what the date is - yup, walking on the ocean floor. Several things should be noted:
1) It looks like it's freezing out and I can't imagine how cold the water is and
2) Given the overcast day and the fact that it was Catalina and not Tahiti, those were some of the ugliest underwater shots ever. The highlight was seaweed and one orange fish. For her sake, I hope Chantal makes it to the tropical destination date to make up for this debacle. I'm not yet a huge fan of hers but even I thought she deserved better.
The happy land-loving couple have dinner on the beach...again, it looks like it's freezing....how romantic. Now, I must say, this is the most relaxed Brad I have seen. They actually look like a couple....awwww. Brad asks her about her divorce and seems more nervous to hear about it than Chantal is to talk about it. She doesn't really give specifics, but leads us to believe that this was one of those, "we just grew apart" situations. Brad seems satisfied with her answer. She asks Brad if he wants to be married and have children. He says he's "open" to the idea....and I start to think that we may have another Runaway Bachelor on our hands...which is secretly what I'm hoping for...shhhhh.
Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad first thing out of the limo on episode 1. She has clearly had a little couch time with Dr. Jamie and recognized that slapping a complete stranger violates at least 12 social rules and 1 actual law. They babble back and forth and talk about not wanting the date to end. There's lots of kissing (and again...no fireworks....I'm starting to think that Michelle was lying about this whole fireworks thing) and then it starts to rain, which Chantal states is good luck....since when? Rain being good luck is what people say to brides when it's raining on their wedding day and they are upset because now they're not going to get the pictures they wanted. And for the record - if it rains on June 4 (my wedding day), this is exactly what I expect people to say to me...and I'll believe it.
While Chantal and Brad a busy kissing in the rain, the group date card arrives at the house. After learning that she is not on the group date, Michelle informs the camera that if she does not get the next one-on-one, Brad might get his own black eye. The more I see her, the more I keep thinking, "He's going to eventually catch on that she's crazy, right?"...but then a remember a certain someone named Vienna and fear we could be in for a whole season of this craziness.
After threatening to harm Brad to the camera, Michelle corners the ever-Southern Ashley S. Michelle talks about how she can't stand being compared to Chantal because she is nothing like Chantal. Did I miss something? I sat on my couch thinking, "I've been here the whole episode...I'm pretty sure I did not randomly blackout or fall asleep....when did anyone compare Michelle to Chantal?"....Michelle, I'm starting to think that Hector Projector is rearing it's ugly, black-eyed face, ....chill out, no one's comparing you to Chantal except you. Ashley S. sits patiently nodding, not saying anything and wishing that her relaxing morning coffee on the patio had not turned into a therapy session. I have a feeling she's longing for the days of chasing after actual children and not dealing with childish adults. At least she gets paid to be a nanny.
While Ashley is forced to act like a therapist, the other women are actually going to see a therapist - Dr. Drew. Quick opinion about Dr. Drew...I love him and think that, for the most part, he does a great job. And, unlike Dr. Phil, he is a legitimate psychologist. Brad also loves Dr. Drew...but continues to treat all therapists he meets as if they are psychics...the way he places so much trust in their opinions and their take on things....I just have images of Miss Cleo and her fake accent turning over tarot cards...I'm not sure he has yet to appreciate the difference.
The topic of cheating comes up and Stacy, the wicked awesome bartender from Boston, is the only one to admit that she's cheated. Point goes to her for honesty. But then she goes on to minimize her cheating, making it sound like it's a perfectly natural thing to do in college....a rite of passage, if you will. And now I'm taking my point back. The other girls shoot judgmental looks at her and Brad says he admires her honesty, while internally he removes her picture from the wall of potential future Mrs. Womacks.
Next up is wobbly-wheels Ashley H, who admits that she is "retracting" from Brad. Like Michelle, she apparently did not research what show she was signing up for as she also has surprising feelings about Brad forming connections with other people. Meghan asks Brad point-blank what his type is since he seems to be into so many different types of girls. Brad supplies a wonderful non-answer that satisfies the crowd. Britt, in a completely endearing moment of authenticity, admits that she is intimidated by Brad and gets nervous around him. I heart her and think she is definitely someone who would be in my circle of friends (especially with the whole being a chef aspect going for her)....which means that her time on the show is limited.
After Love Line, the crew heads for their first "non-wrap party" at Brad's temporary home which involves a hot tub that's way too small for all of them. I'm not a germaphobe, but even I used waterless hand sanitizer after that scene. I noticed that the teacher from Plano merely dipped her feet in - my first thought was that she might be self-conscious about being in a bathing suit on national television, but most teachers I know are complete germophobes and would rather die than dunk themselves in that bacterial breeding ground. Ashley H's wobbly wheels almost go flying completely off as she rants about not getting time with the Bachelor. I feel like she's earning a new tag line: "Crazy: Just Add Alcohol" The girls all engage in a particulary cut-throat version of "Steal the Womack"....including Britt...who manages to steal the Bachelor away for an extended period of time, during which they make out heavily. We don't see Britt often, but from what we have seen, she is not a girl who wastes any time. Ashley H. comes to interrupt them and has to swallow a bit of the vomit in her mouth after seeing Brad and Britt kiss.
Once they are alone, Ashley proceeds to say a barrage of mean and hurtful things to Brad, basically telling him that in order to protect herself, she is going to treat him like poop from now on. Pre-therapy Brad might have kicked her off the show right then and there (really...who talks to the Bachelor like that?...okay, maybr Chris Harrison - but he's the only one!), but post-three-years-of-therapy Brad tries to process her emotions with her. He decides that the best way to convince her that her really does like her (when she's being nice) is to give her the rose for the date. So Brad gathers the girls into the too-small, germ-filled hot tub to proceed with the akward awarding of the rose. After 5+ glasses of wine and a bad one-on-one time with Brad, Ashley H. has completely lost the ability to inhibit any thought that enters her mind....so she comments on how she hates this part. Visibly frustrated, Brad asks her to explain what she means. Ashley H looks bewildered at the other girls as if to say, "Come on - I know I'm not the only one who hates this part!"...the other girls silently shoot her looks that say, "Of course we hate this part, but we're not dumb enough to actually say it in front of Brad." In a bold move, Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt. Ashley H sulks in the corner of the hot tub, nursing her hurt feelings and pruney fingers.
The last one-on-one date goes to Mike Tyson Michelle, who has now claimed her date day as "my day"...with an emphasis on the "my" part. You what they say about parents being selfless....ok, I'm not going to go there - let's just say that parents like Michelle ensure that I will always have a job.
Favorite part of the whole episode goes to Chantal for pointing out that Michelle's date card is the only one-on-one date card that does not have the word "love" in it. Michelle immediately takes the bait and in a frantic voice proclaims, "Oh my God...I don't have love!" Chantal, your stock is rising.
I began to like Chantal even more the next day when Brad came to pick up Michelle for their date. He insists on talking with Wobbly Wheels alone before heading out on the date. Michelle is in a huff - it's her day. The conversation between WW and Brad is not worth commenting on, but Chantal's confrontation with Michelle is. As Michelle goes on and on...and on about how unfair it is that Ashley H is taking away from her time with Brad, Chantal astutely points out that Michelle did the same thing on the first group date, when she threw a 3-year-old's tantrum after seeing Britt make out with Brad. Michelle refuses to see the similarities between the situations and makes a mental note to shave off one of Chantal's eyebrows when she sleeps.
Brad comes back in and Michelle literally yanks his arm, pulling him out of the house. She makes not-so-subtle comments about wanting to be away from the other girls as they drive up to the house and she tries to peel her hair away from her face. She realizes that they are at Brad's temporary home and makes some assumptions that prove to be inaccurate. For the 100th time, a helicopter comes to pick up the Bachelor and his date and this time they land on the top of a building in downtown LA. Michelle loses her cool when she realizes that they are going to repel down the side of the building.
Side note: This does not bode well for all of us who do not like Michelle. There's a little known theory in psychology that has been backed by empirical research...the gist is this: when someone (Brad) is with someone who is moderately to highly attractive (Michelle) and is placed in a dangerous situation (scaling a tall building) that causes the body to activate the fight or flight alarm reaction, the brain confuses that activation with feelings of love (which, coincidently involve the same brain structures and chemicals). Just take the above parentheses and change them to "Jake" "Vienna" and "Bungee jumping" respectively and you'll understand why I'm worried (or to "Ali" "Roberto" and "Tight rope walking"...but I like them so they get a pass).
Not surprisingly, they successfully scale the building and one of the ABC interns gets a little camera time. They both agree that if they can conquer this together then they must be meant to be together...clearly. Brad jumps in the pool and Michelle follows suit with the most ungraceful half-dive/half belly flop. They chat in the water...I kind of start to zone out at this point because Michelle annoys me so much. Bottom line, she gets the rose and we are subjected to yet another week of her. But at least she didn't do that weird rose dance again. She did however, do an awkward gang symbol when she stated that the other girls need to go home. Keep it up and you'll have another black eye that didn't come from an unknown source.
The rose ceremony was fairly mundane. Brad makes sure to spend time with the girls he didn't have dates with that week. Shawntal continues to be awesome and to go with the flow...which once again makes me question how long she will remain in the running...there's something about this show that tends to weed out all the normal girls.
The Bachelor meets with Meghan, who has turned into the girl to whom all the others girls complain about each other. Brad talks to her in a way that left me feeling like she and her fucshia platforms would be hitching a ride home later that night...and I was right.
Brad then takes Emily outside with a picnic basket in an effort to recreate their vineyard date on the driveway....charming or cheesey? You decide. Emily is all Southern belle and I feel that, while it is charming to a point, it sometimes comes across as distant and too formal. The way Chantal can joke with Brad feels like an authentic connection, while Emily and Brad feel forced.
Speaking of Chantal....she's busy having a breakdown over Brad's picnic with Emily. For the self-proclaimed "tough girl" she may have cried more than anyone else up until this point....including Emily, who truly has something to cry over. Chantal has a chance to confront Brad about her feelings and the main thing I got from their conversation is that Brad appreciates Chantal's ability to immasculate him......huh? Yup, that's what I got. It reminds me of the waise saying about the traits that you love at the beginning of a relationship are likely to be the ones that drive you crazy later on....I rest my case.
No surprises in the rose ceremony. The red headed teacher from Plano goes home, stating that she has no regrets and that she behaved herself in a manner consistent with how her parents raised her....which is likely why she's going home. Stacey, our cheating bartender, and Meghan were also sent home.
Next week, ABC ups the sadistic quotient tenfold by asking Emily to participate in a car-racing date...I mean seriously - that's just cruel and I'm kind of upset that they are putting this poor girl through all this. First the airplane ride and now the racecar driving date....Brad will be a total a-hole if he insists that she go through with it. But we shall see next week...right now we just need to bask in the glow of Michelle's day...and it doesn't matter when you read this, because every day is Michelle's day (complete with fireworks!)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Who's Your Daddy?
Confession: I found last night's episode a bit on the boring side. It could be related to my hatred of the "acting dates"....it could have been that Michelle's craziness has become somewhat predictable...or it could have been all the "daddy issue" talks...whatever it was, I felt like saying "Just get on with it!" several times.
Chris Harrison graced the girls with his presence to explain (yet again) the rules for the week...which incidently were the exact same rules as last week...and last season. Either way, I was thinking, "We know, Chris...we know!"...but I guess he has to earn his paycheck somehow!
First one-on-one date goes to Ashley S - the one who got the first impression rose. She and Brad are going to "find their love song"...to which she confesses that she really hopes it's not kereoke....we agree. Instead, she and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their version of the song "Kiss from a Rose"...I say "their version" because anyone who watched this episode will agree that what came out from their vocal cords did not even resemble song we all remember from the Batman movie...not even close. It was similar to the really awful American idol auditions, yet somehow not quite as funny. Even the sound guy was shaking his head in disbelief. But, instead of cutting his losses and letting us all off the hook, his contract demanded that he let them do several takes. One part that actually made me laugh was when Brad assured him that no matter how many takes they took, it was not going to get any better....his work on self-awareness in therapy is really paying off.
After Brad and Ashley finish butchering the song, they head next door where Seal is reminding the audience that it is actually a great song when sung correctly. Brief sidenote: I heart Seal and was lucky enough to literally run into him in Chicago when I was in college. He was incredibly polite as I apologized profusely for slamming my body into his torso...and I might have stepped on his foot.
Dinner on top of the Capitol Records building was a snoozefest...Ashley told him about her father's passing (which is truly sad), but since we already new this for several weeks, our reaction was significantly more subdued than Brad's. I have also noticed that when Brad hears bad news from the girls, he gets really flustered and whatever comes out of his mouth sounds really insincere...not a good combo. But the date moves on, she gets a rose, they dance (to what?), and kiss.
Boring, but a happy ending because I like Ashley S.
Next up is the group date. And since Michelle seems to have forgotten what show she is on, she is pissed that there will be other girls on her date. She hates them....and I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual.
The girls are swept away in a very suspicious-looking van and taken to a sound stage for yet another acting date. I guess the folks at ABC figure that since most of the women are probably there to jump start their acting careers, they should kill two birds with one stone. Brad is calmly telling the girls how he wants a wife who can get dirty (careful with those double entendres there) when "out of nowhere" guys pretending to be ninjas attack him. Good thing it's a carefully choreographed sequence which allows Brad to win. The fight sequence reminds me of the fake WWF fighting my brother and I did as children when we were bored - the punches are all 15 feet from the target, there's a delay in responding, you always have a shovel available when needed....you get it - it was "realistic." He then informs the girls that they will be making an action movie. They woo-hoo half-heartedly and we see a montage of their skills. Highlights include:
1) The Plano schooteacher throat-chopping some guy
2) Ali managing to show an insane amount of cleavage even though she's in workout gear
3) Lisa's grunts which come out as "squeaks"
Shawtal does the best so she gets the coveted kissing scene, which, of course, requires repeated takes. At this point, resident psycho Michelle informs us that she's jealous and pissed, but then changes her mind to say that she's glad her first kiss with Brad is not scripted, because there will be fireworks (somewhere over her right shoulder apparently). Her kiss with Brad will be slow, sensual, and....slippery. Please take a moment to spit out the vomit in your mouth.
After the filming is over, Brad takes the girls to another "wrap party" - I wish he would stop using that term after they are finished filming these never-to-be-released projects. It's like saying that you are going to a "warp party" after your crazy Aunt Edna uses her iphone to record the opening of presents at Christmas....this truly makes me irritated. Chantal seized the opportunity to steal Brad away and proceeds to cry quickly. For the resident tough gal, these tears came pretty quickly. Maybe she is confusing "tough" and "bitchy"....common error. Chantal shares that she tried to reconnect with her estranged father, only to find out that he had passed. She then goes on to spout the Stuart Smalley lessons learned from that experience and Brad tells her he likes her puffy face. Despite everything, Chantal is growing on me...but that's not hard because I solidly disliked her since Day 1. But, I should probably get over that since I think she will stay a while.
Michelle is not going to be denied one-on-one time on her non-birthday. It's night and she wants the whole world to see those fireworks. There was some talk about her bracelet and she tries to come across like she is on this show for her daughter...she even manages to squeak out a few tears. They kiss....no fireworks (and believe me, I looked over her right shoulder where she repeatedly demonstrated that the fireworks would be....nothing). Brad then goes down the elevator, grabs the rose, tells the girls who are obviously not getting the rose that he will be back shortly, and goes back upstairs. I have to hand it to ABC, I actually thought it was Michelle up there waiting for him (I had been on a plane that day and was tired...not at my sharpest)...but it's Shawtal (who I really like)...he talks about how much he likes her before almost denying her when she goes in for the kiss. It was clear that she was kissing him. I was confused but happy that she would get to live to see another week. And it should be noted that she did not feel it was necessary to treat the other women to the victory dance Michelle did the week prior.
The second one-on-one date was also somewhat anti-climactic for the viewer since we had heard Emily's story at least 3 times since the beginning of the season. It still makes me sad and I feel for her...but enough is enough ABC - don't make this girl recount this story again. ABC shows its sadistic side by not only making her recount the story yet again, but by making her get on an airplane. Seriously? That's just cruel. And they give Brad a list of questions to ask just to drive the point home...such as "Airplanes don't bother you, do they?" True to her Southern belle upbringing, she responds with a gracious, "No" because she doesn't want to appear ungrateful...but you know inside she's going, "You sonofa...."
Side note: Loved Meaghan describing Emily as a "little Barbie with the heart of Mother Teresa"...she then astutely notes that "You want to hate her, but you can't hate Mother Teresa"....Michelle disagrees.
The date starts off super-awkwardly as Brad is once again given a list of questions to ask her. She skillfully deflects them, responding that she's just like everyone else - when she gets tired she gets angry and she wants a life of happiness, etc. The king of the run-around, Brad, knows when someone is deflecting questions and he points this out. Emily just smiles and sips her wine, confessing to the camera that she knows she has to tell her story (yet again - thanks ABC) before the night is over. She bites the bullet at dinner and Brad again has a response that I think misses the mark...I think he went for "supportive" but it came out as "overwhelmed." But, Emily didn't seem to notice and accepted the rose even before Brad could get the full question out of his mouth. The best part of the date was the deleted section they showed during the credits which involved Emily cussing when she lost a marshmellow in the fire...I don't swear about much, but I agree that a lost dessert warrants more than an "o drat!"
Before the rose ceremony, we are treated to another couch session with Dr. Jamie and his beautiful Australian accent and 5-cent advice. This week's therapy golden nugget is to "open up" and be "playful" and "relaxed" because this will help the girls open up. Opening up doesn't seem to be a problem with this group - appropriate boundaries does.
At the rose ceremony, Brad tries to take Dr. Jamie's advice - I think we were supposed to notice a difference in the girls....I didn't. Brad apologized to Chantal for not giving her the appropriate response when she shared her daddy issues with him. She forgave him on the grounds that they make out until another bachelorette uncomfortably interrupts them. He obliged. And, to no one's surprise, Michelle is the one to butt into their make-out session....although she doesn't seem uncomfortable about it.
Michelle is all about the stupid games. Which is why she starts her conversation with Brad with the ultra-lame, "You and I are in our first fight," as she smiles in a way that I assume she thinks is sexy, but to the rest of us is just trashy. She again has forgotten what show she signed up for and is "mad" at Brad for kissing other girls....I mean, hasn't he listened to her interviews to the camera - He. Is. Hers. But Brad confesses that he likes her attitude and semi-stalker behavior...to each their own.
It looked like it was going to take a miracle to disentangle Michelle from Brad, but even Michelle knows not to mess with a girl with fangs and therefore she allowed Brad to talk privately with Madison. In a bold move, Madison not only took out her fangs, but said she was considering leaving the show. Brad appeared flustered...or was it concerned?...or excited?...I'm not sure - all his expressions and delivery are exactly the same. Either way, he was feeling some kind of emotion and asked her to give him a chance to get to know her. She said she would think about it, but we all knew that she was thinking how much cooler her friends at home were and how she couldn't wait to get back to her Eclipse-loving fellow vamps.
Just as Brad is reeling from Madison's talk with him, Ashley H. decides that it is the perfect time to give Brad a little taste of the craziness that he would have on a daily basis if he picked her. Her wheels are starting to wobble. Ashley H. tries to old strong-arm technique of stating "If you're on the fence with me, I'd rather have you send me home." Have any of these girls watched past seasons - this never works! But bless her heart, she tries. Brad gets up to leave, walks a couple of steps, and then goes back to Ashley H. for a very passionate kiss in front of the fire. Brad apparently has a thing for unstable women.
In the rose ceremony, Michelle and Chantal get the first two roses and then all of a sudden we see Madison exit. Chris Harrison motions to Brad that he's supposed to follow. What ensues is a vampire's version of "It's not you, it's me" break-up...to which Brad is completely oblivious. She is about to dumb it down to the simple, "I'm just not that into you," when the off-camera producer signals to Brad to just let her go so they can later edit it to make it look like Brad was rejecting her...we don't want another Jesse Palmer situation on our hands. Madison was clearly on the show just to see what it was like...and she decided that it sucked.
This week's rejected bachelorettes include:
Kimberly: also known as "crazy eyes" from episode 1. Maybe it was the eyes or the super huge peacock feather earrings, but Brad just wasn't feeling it. I was bummed at first, because she looked like a nice sweet girl (minus the eye thing), until her exit interview, when she morphed into a cursing, bitter, scorned woman. But don't worry about her, she's going to be dating someone in 5 seconds...start your watches.
On the other end of the spectrum, Sara, turns into a crying, mascara-running mess....not on national TV, hon! I'm surprised at her strong emotions given that I don't recall seeing her talk to Brad....ever. But that's the beauty of this gem called the Bachelor...you can fall head over heels with someone you have only seen from afar (sigh)
Next week Michelle gets a black eye and Ashley H's wheels continue to loosen! Can't wait!
Chris Harrison graced the girls with his presence to explain (yet again) the rules for the week...which incidently were the exact same rules as last week...and last season. Either way, I was thinking, "We know, Chris...we know!"...but I guess he has to earn his paycheck somehow!
First one-on-one date goes to Ashley S - the one who got the first impression rose. She and Brad are going to "find their love song"...to which she confesses that she really hopes it's not kereoke....we agree. Instead, she and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their version of the song "Kiss from a Rose"...I say "their version" because anyone who watched this episode will agree that what came out from their vocal cords did not even resemble song we all remember from the Batman movie...not even close. It was similar to the really awful American idol auditions, yet somehow not quite as funny. Even the sound guy was shaking his head in disbelief. But, instead of cutting his losses and letting us all off the hook, his contract demanded that he let them do several takes. One part that actually made me laugh was when Brad assured him that no matter how many takes they took, it was not going to get any better....his work on self-awareness in therapy is really paying off.
After Brad and Ashley finish butchering the song, they head next door where Seal is reminding the audience that it is actually a great song when sung correctly. Brief sidenote: I heart Seal and was lucky enough to literally run into him in Chicago when I was in college. He was incredibly polite as I apologized profusely for slamming my body into his torso...and I might have stepped on his foot.
Dinner on top of the Capitol Records building was a snoozefest...Ashley told him about her father's passing (which is truly sad), but since we already new this for several weeks, our reaction was significantly more subdued than Brad's. I have also noticed that when Brad hears bad news from the girls, he gets really flustered and whatever comes out of his mouth sounds really insincere...not a good combo. But the date moves on, she gets a rose, they dance (to what?), and kiss.
Boring, but a happy ending because I like Ashley S.
Next up is the group date. And since Michelle seems to have forgotten what show she is on, she is pissed that there will be other girls on her date. She hates them....and I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual.
The girls are swept away in a very suspicious-looking van and taken to a sound stage for yet another acting date. I guess the folks at ABC figure that since most of the women are probably there to jump start their acting careers, they should kill two birds with one stone. Brad is calmly telling the girls how he wants a wife who can get dirty (careful with those double entendres there) when "out of nowhere" guys pretending to be ninjas attack him. Good thing it's a carefully choreographed sequence which allows Brad to win. The fight sequence reminds me of the fake WWF fighting my brother and I did as children when we were bored - the punches are all 15 feet from the target, there's a delay in responding, you always have a shovel available when needed....you get it - it was "realistic." He then informs the girls that they will be making an action movie. They woo-hoo half-heartedly and we see a montage of their skills. Highlights include:
1) The Plano schooteacher throat-chopping some guy
2) Ali managing to show an insane amount of cleavage even though she's in workout gear
3) Lisa's grunts which come out as "squeaks"
Shawtal does the best so she gets the coveted kissing scene, which, of course, requires repeated takes. At this point, resident psycho Michelle informs us that she's jealous and pissed, but then changes her mind to say that she's glad her first kiss with Brad is not scripted, because there will be fireworks (somewhere over her right shoulder apparently). Her kiss with Brad will be slow, sensual, and....slippery. Please take a moment to spit out the vomit in your mouth.
After the filming is over, Brad takes the girls to another "wrap party" - I wish he would stop using that term after they are finished filming these never-to-be-released projects. It's like saying that you are going to a "warp party" after your crazy Aunt Edna uses her iphone to record the opening of presents at Christmas....this truly makes me irritated. Chantal seized the opportunity to steal Brad away and proceeds to cry quickly. For the resident tough gal, these tears came pretty quickly. Maybe she is confusing "tough" and "bitchy"....common error. Chantal shares that she tried to reconnect with her estranged father, only to find out that he had passed. She then goes on to spout the Stuart Smalley lessons learned from that experience and Brad tells her he likes her puffy face. Despite everything, Chantal is growing on me...but that's not hard because I solidly disliked her since Day 1. But, I should probably get over that since I think she will stay a while.
Michelle is not going to be denied one-on-one time on her non-birthday. It's night and she wants the whole world to see those fireworks. There was some talk about her bracelet and she tries to come across like she is on this show for her daughter...she even manages to squeak out a few tears. They kiss....no fireworks (and believe me, I looked over her right shoulder where she repeatedly demonstrated that the fireworks would be....nothing). Brad then goes down the elevator, grabs the rose, tells the girls who are obviously not getting the rose that he will be back shortly, and goes back upstairs. I have to hand it to ABC, I actually thought it was Michelle up there waiting for him (I had been on a plane that day and was tired...not at my sharpest)...but it's Shawtal (who I really like)...he talks about how much he likes her before almost denying her when she goes in for the kiss. It was clear that she was kissing him. I was confused but happy that she would get to live to see another week. And it should be noted that she did not feel it was necessary to treat the other women to the victory dance Michelle did the week prior.
The second one-on-one date was also somewhat anti-climactic for the viewer since we had heard Emily's story at least 3 times since the beginning of the season. It still makes me sad and I feel for her...but enough is enough ABC - don't make this girl recount this story again. ABC shows its sadistic side by not only making her recount the story yet again, but by making her get on an airplane. Seriously? That's just cruel. And they give Brad a list of questions to ask just to drive the point home...such as "Airplanes don't bother you, do they?" True to her Southern belle upbringing, she responds with a gracious, "No" because she doesn't want to appear ungrateful...but you know inside she's going, "You sonofa...."
Side note: Loved Meaghan describing Emily as a "little Barbie with the heart of Mother Teresa"...she then astutely notes that "You want to hate her, but you can't hate Mother Teresa"....Michelle disagrees.
The date starts off super-awkwardly as Brad is once again given a list of questions to ask her. She skillfully deflects them, responding that she's just like everyone else - when she gets tired she gets angry and she wants a life of happiness, etc. The king of the run-around, Brad, knows when someone is deflecting questions and he points this out. Emily just smiles and sips her wine, confessing to the camera that she knows she has to tell her story (yet again - thanks ABC) before the night is over. She bites the bullet at dinner and Brad again has a response that I think misses the mark...I think he went for "supportive" but it came out as "overwhelmed." But, Emily didn't seem to notice and accepted the rose even before Brad could get the full question out of his mouth. The best part of the date was the deleted section they showed during the credits which involved Emily cussing when she lost a marshmellow in the fire...I don't swear about much, but I agree that a lost dessert warrants more than an "o drat!"
Before the rose ceremony, we are treated to another couch session with Dr. Jamie and his beautiful Australian accent and 5-cent advice. This week's therapy golden nugget is to "open up" and be "playful" and "relaxed" because this will help the girls open up. Opening up doesn't seem to be a problem with this group - appropriate boundaries does.
At the rose ceremony, Brad tries to take Dr. Jamie's advice - I think we were supposed to notice a difference in the girls....I didn't. Brad apologized to Chantal for not giving her the appropriate response when she shared her daddy issues with him. She forgave him on the grounds that they make out until another bachelorette uncomfortably interrupts them. He obliged. And, to no one's surprise, Michelle is the one to butt into their make-out session....although she doesn't seem uncomfortable about it.
Michelle is all about the stupid games. Which is why she starts her conversation with Brad with the ultra-lame, "You and I are in our first fight," as she smiles in a way that I assume she thinks is sexy, but to the rest of us is just trashy. She again has forgotten what show she signed up for and is "mad" at Brad for kissing other girls....I mean, hasn't he listened to her interviews to the camera - He. Is. Hers. But Brad confesses that he likes her attitude and semi-stalker behavior...to each their own.
It looked like it was going to take a miracle to disentangle Michelle from Brad, but even Michelle knows not to mess with a girl with fangs and therefore she allowed Brad to talk privately with Madison. In a bold move, Madison not only took out her fangs, but said she was considering leaving the show. Brad appeared flustered...or was it concerned?...or excited?...I'm not sure - all his expressions and delivery are exactly the same. Either way, he was feeling some kind of emotion and asked her to give him a chance to get to know her. She said she would think about it, but we all knew that she was thinking how much cooler her friends at home were and how she couldn't wait to get back to her Eclipse-loving fellow vamps.
Just as Brad is reeling from Madison's talk with him, Ashley H. decides that it is the perfect time to give Brad a little taste of the craziness that he would have on a daily basis if he picked her. Her wheels are starting to wobble. Ashley H. tries to old strong-arm technique of stating "If you're on the fence with me, I'd rather have you send me home." Have any of these girls watched past seasons - this never works! But bless her heart, she tries. Brad gets up to leave, walks a couple of steps, and then goes back to Ashley H. for a very passionate kiss in front of the fire. Brad apparently has a thing for unstable women.
In the rose ceremony, Michelle and Chantal get the first two roses and then all of a sudden we see Madison exit. Chris Harrison motions to Brad that he's supposed to follow. What ensues is a vampire's version of "It's not you, it's me" break-up...to which Brad is completely oblivious. She is about to dumb it down to the simple, "I'm just not that into you," when the off-camera producer signals to Brad to just let her go so they can later edit it to make it look like Brad was rejecting her...we don't want another Jesse Palmer situation on our hands. Madison was clearly on the show just to see what it was like...and she decided that it sucked.
This week's rejected bachelorettes include:
Kimberly: also known as "crazy eyes" from episode 1. Maybe it was the eyes or the super huge peacock feather earrings, but Brad just wasn't feeling it. I was bummed at first, because she looked like a nice sweet girl (minus the eye thing), until her exit interview, when she morphed into a cursing, bitter, scorned woman. But don't worry about her, she's going to be dating someone in 5 seconds...start your watches.
On the other end of the spectrum, Sara, turns into a crying, mascara-running mess....not on national TV, hon! I'm surprised at her strong emotions given that I don't recall seeing her talk to Brad....ever. But that's the beauty of this gem called the Bachelor...you can fall head over heels with someone you have only seen from afar (sigh)
Next week Michelle gets a black eye and Ashley H's wheels continue to loosen! Can't wait!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
It's My Birthday, I Can Be Psycho If I Want To
I needed a good day to digest the craziness that is this season of The Bachelor...aye aye aye - these women are giving past seasons' casts a run for their money in terms of over-the-top antics! This is not to say I didn't have a good laugh at times during the episode....but there were definitely a lot of moments when I metaphorically curled into the fetal position, went to my happy place, and prayed that the women on screen would just stop and go away....thankfully, some of them did. Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, It's Michelle's birthday (not her 29th or her 31st....her 30th!)
I have a feeling that every episode this season is going to start with Brad looking thoughtful while doing some completely irrelevant activity. This week it was palming a football at the edge of a cliff....for some reason the producers at ABC thought the combo of football and cliff = this guy is really serious about findng a wife....sure, we'll go with that. I also have a feeling that every week we will be reminded of Brad's failure to pick a woman during his last Bachelor go-round and of how he is truly a changed man and ready to find love this time....he's going to make it work, gosh darn it - even if it means having to marry a woman with fangs.
{Side note on our resident vampire, I never in a million years ever thought I would say this - she's not the craziest one in the bunch! We didn't get a see a lot of her this week, but I wonder if that's because her reflection doesn't show up on camera. Or she could have been overshadowed by Michelle since, in case you missed it, it was her birthday.}
Let me also say that I love Chris Harrison because you can tell how bored he is with his job. He essentially has the exact same script each year (and those of us who watch each season often find ourselves saying his lines along with him). To his credit, he slides in some under-the-radar verbal jabs from time to time in order to spice things up. This week though, he kind of phoned it in. How could he have done to Michelle on her birthday? (and her 30th birthday at that!)
So, Ashley H., the dentist who dances around in tube socks and short shorts, gets the first date and it's a one-on-one. She's pumped, some girls pretend to be excited for her, other girls shoot her evil looks. Ashley S. looks really bummed because she got the first impression rose and now feels like he might have picked a new favorite, or quite possibly confused the other Ashley with her....either way, it's not good. We flash forward to Brad coming to pick her up. Ashley H. bounces down the stairs in her dress that is 1/2 sequined gold (a la Las Vegas lounge singer (think Whoppie in Sister Act)) and 1/2 gold tutu (a la pimped out ballerina), all tied neatly together with a gold bow. There was so much wrong with this dress that it almost came together as a "right"....I said "almost."
Brad and Ashley drive together down the highway and turn off into the woods. Ashley H says that she's scared and jokes about something bad happening. That's right, hon, the producers have run out of date ideas so they've decided to throw in a wooded chainsaw murder date to liven things up. Seriously, how much danger can you be in when there is a whole camera crew there as witnesses....I'm sure at least the guy with the boom mic would step in to help if needed. As it turns out, there's no carnage in store, but rather a makeshift carnival. The camera catches these two lovebirds frolicking from ride to ride, eating cotton candy, and winning stuffed animals. Then we are treated to the sentiment that is uttered every season of the Bachelor (and I'm paraphrasing): "I want to make sure (name) can relax and have fun and act like a kid." Color me confused, but I thought acting like a child was a bad thing. When you tell something they are being childish, it's not usually meant as a compliment. But somewhere in the world of The Bachelor, being able to act like a child is right up there with honesty and trustworthiness as wanted virtues...this could explain the success rate of Bachelor couples.
There was a serious conversation at the end when both Brad and Ashley H. talked about their absent fathers. As a psychologist, I appreciated their ability for self-reflection...however, they seemed to conceptualize it as reasons why they both are guarded. Two guarded people does not make a match made in heaven. But Ashley H., determined to not be sent home, grabs Brad and pulls him in for a kiss. And thanks to the creative editing by the staff at ABC, it appears that the kiss goes on much longer than it really does. If you take careful note, you'll notice that Ashley H. initiates the majority of the kisses (and even asks, "Can we do that again?") - not a good sign. However, he's definitely not ready to send her home so he gives her a rose.
Next up is the group date. Melissa cannot believe that there will be 14 other women with her on her 30th birthday date. How dare they! It's clear to her that she is the right one for Brad, so she gets a little pissy that he needs to keep up the charade and go through all the other eliminations - remember, there will be fireworks when they kiss. {And as a side note, I didn't understand the superhuge (dinner plate-sized) earrings paired with the 80's ripped, Flashdance top....but she can wear what she wants - it's her birthday).
Maybe it's the fact that there is a vampire wanna-be in the group, but ABC decides that the girls will be involved in a PSA promoting blood donation for the Red Cross. Can I please say how sick and tired of all the "acting" related dates that have gone on in the past couple of seasons? They are so stupid! And let's face it, everyone does more acting off camera than on camera....Brad acts like he's a changed man, Raichel acts like her dresses fit her, Michelle acts like she has a soul....errrrr....you get my point. Highlights of this date include the following:
1) Melissa being cast a cougar because I know I'm not the only one questioning her stated age of 32
2) Keltie having to be the butch girl with the arm casts....and I have to say, she pulled off the comedic part of that very well.
3) Britt, the self-proclaimed prude, out-skanking Chantal (the not-self-proclaimed prude) and
4) the girls accusing Stacey of 'messing up on purpose" so she could get to kiss Brad more....that's just smart game-playing gals.
Two incidences earn some extra attention:
1) Melissa literally diving into Brad with an ambush kiss right to the fake mustache. The only word to describe his face is "horrified." Melissa has a thing for literally throwing herself at men - remember how she dove into Brad's arms screaming "Catch me!" on the first night?...geez, if this isn't a more blatant metaphor for how she handles her dating life, I don't know what is. Lest we forget, she will quickly remind us that she quit her job to be on the Bachelor...some would say that's confidence....given the fact that it's her, I'm going to put it in the delusional bucket.
2) Michelle's meltdown was classic! We now have a better understanding of why she said she doesn't have any girl friends. I think Brad handled it as well as he could, but you could definitely see some irritation and confusion on his face - guys tend to not "get" girl drama. But you know he was thinking, "Good thing you're hot...I just gotta keep you around until fantasy suite time." Besides, it's her birthday, she can be psycho if she wants.
The rooftop party was fairly uneventful, until Melissa reared her cougar temper. No matter how many times I watch that sequence of events, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Melissa and Raichel were fighting about. Even more confusing is that Raichel appeared to be the one trying to walk away from a confrontation, but it was Melissa who kept poking the bear with the stick! Raichel strikes me as the kind of gal who has a TKO or two under her belt, so the fact that Melissa didn't leave on a stretcher shows me that court-ordered anger management classes can help....either that or Raichel recognized that Melissa is c-r-a-z-y and was afraid that she would have the superhuman strength that sometimes accompanies active manic episodes.
The only other noteworthy part of the evening was that birthday girl Michelle got the rose at the end of the date. I am going to assume it was a birthday-pity rose....or a "thank God you're pretty enough to make up for your craziness rose"....hard to tell - those roses can look alike. Ever-modest Michelle took the opportunity to do a little victory dance in the pool, where she flaunted her rose in front of the 14 other roseless bachelorettes....again, I'm shocked blood was not shed.
The next one-on-one date was with Jackie. After episode one, I was feeling ambivalent about her, but after this episode....still ambivalent. She seemed a lot nicer this time around - I had been worried during the first episode that she would have the "behind-the-scenes-bitchiness" that plagues no less than 3 contestants every year. But she headed off to her Pretty Woman date. Now, this is where I would fail miserably on a show like this. My date would have played out like this:
Brad: Today, I'm taking you on this amazing Pretty Woman date where you are going to be pampered and treated like royalty.
Me: Royalty? Have you seen Pretty Woman? She's a prostitute! Do I look like a prostitute?
Brad: No...of course not. I'm just reading the cue cards they told me to read.
Me: Zip it, Dr. Phil protege - I'm no hooker, and you're no Richard Gere.
Hence why I comment on reality shows rather than star in them.
After a very blah, vanilla scene of them in robes with mud on their faces, Brad leads Jackie up to a room filled with dresses and accessories - a girl's dream. Jackie, the artist, proceeds to pick out the most boring, ill-fitting dress in the entire room. It seriously looked like a shiny Glad trash bag cinched around her waist. The jewelry was a nice touch (thanks Neil Lane!), but again - we've seen this date before on previous seasons (but never on Michelle's birthday)
After thanking Brad for the 1054th time, Jackie and he arrive at the Hollywood Bowl and Jackie is tickled pink that her name is on the marquee. They sit down to dinner that started off so boring I was tempted to flip to the BCS Championship game. My finger was on the button when Brad asked the million-dollar question:
"So, how many relationships have you had?"
Jackie admitted to only having two serious relationships and to have not dated in college. I am going to assume that Brad had been lulled into a bored state of dissociation and therefore misheard Jackie because he responded to her answer as if she had said, "I have never dated a man before because I have a tendency to murder them before the relationship can really take off."
While Brad sat there, looking as shaken up as Bobby Brown did during the infamous "Crack is whack" interview, Jackie stated that she picks her relationships carefully. I'm not seeing where the bad part is. Brad spins it to mean that she has commitment issues, at which point three words cross my mind: Pot. Kettle. Black. But Brad, after receiving assurance from Jackie that she is ready for a relationship, gives her a rose and reveals the surprise that Train is performing for them. Jackie looks confused - she's an artist, remember? She is not hip to the adult pop scene and has no idea who Train is, but she dances around and feigns happiness after the producers threaten to take her rose away.....She may not be a fan of Train - however, I am still holding out hope that she might be a Justin Beiber collage artist - only time will tell.
Rose ceremony - highlights:
1) Michelle pulling Brad aside to ask him "serious" questions such as where he prefers to get his coffee and what he stocks his fridge with. And like the high school girl she has not been about to grow out of, she assums that on the basis of his answers that they are soulmates. Michelle also takes the time to accuse him of having walls - and she does so in the most intrusive tone possible....one that would make anyone go on the defensive.
2) Emily proved that, if you have a cute little southern accent, you can get away with saying just about anything. I almost fell off the couch laughing when Michelle shared her questions to Brad with the ladies and Emily says, "Are you serious? Oh...I thought you were just being a smart-ass." Your stock in rising, Emily.
3) Melissa having absolutely no clue what an ass she is making of herself. She has yet to learn that being the "damsel in distress" only works when you are actually in distress...not when you are amid your own self-created drama. There's a reason most guys don't watch soap operas....Melissa has yet to figure out why.
4) Sweet Ashley S telling Melissa that she does not care about the drama between Melissa and Raichel and does not want to hear about it. I'm shocked at such healthy conflict resolution from one of the contestants, but quickly remember that Ashley S is a nanny - she's used to dealing with childish fights (and see? Childish is not a good thing!!)
4) Raichel, crying as she pops out of her Jersey Shore dress, stating that she wanted to look beautiful for Brad but is afraid that's ruined because she's crying. Don't worry Raichel, he's not looking your face.
5)Ali and Roberto returning to the show, both looking a little scraggly. "Carefully disheveled" is one thing - just plain messy is another.
6) Melissa telling Ali and Roberto that she's the targeted one in the house - did she not watch Jake's season? Because if she did, she'd quickly remember that Vienna was the targeted one in the house and the main person doing the targeting was....Ali! You know Ali was thinking, "Ahhh...so you're this season's Vienna....I couldn't get rid of her, but I can get rid of you!"...and those weren't notes she was taking on Melissa, I believe I saw the faint outline of a tombstone and a hanging rope.
Here's where I have to give Brad credit - I did not think he would send both Melissa and Raichel home, but he did. He's proven that, despite his willingness to keep Miss Twilight around, he is able to recognize blatant high school troublemakers and is willing to send them home....as long as they are not as hot as Michelle.
Sadest moment of the night - Keltie's exit interview. She was right - I think the costume did her in! But it was truly sad to hear her say, "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone"....in the words of Steven Tyler, she needs to just get back in the saddle again....I mean, come on - you can't tell me that a Rockette can't get a date.
Next week looks like there's more acting dates (yawn) and lots of good maladaptive behavior, with our resident mean girl, Michelle. Can't wait!
Oh...lest I forget - Happy 30th birthday, Michelle!
I have a feeling that every episode this season is going to start with Brad looking thoughtful while doing some completely irrelevant activity. This week it was palming a football at the edge of a cliff....for some reason the producers at ABC thought the combo of football and cliff = this guy is really serious about findng a wife....sure, we'll go with that. I also have a feeling that every week we will be reminded of Brad's failure to pick a woman during his last Bachelor go-round and of how he is truly a changed man and ready to find love this time....he's going to make it work, gosh darn it - even if it means having to marry a woman with fangs.
{Side note on our resident vampire, I never in a million years ever thought I would say this - she's not the craziest one in the bunch! We didn't get a see a lot of her this week, but I wonder if that's because her reflection doesn't show up on camera. Or she could have been overshadowed by Michelle since, in case you missed it, it was her birthday.}
Let me also say that I love Chris Harrison because you can tell how bored he is with his job. He essentially has the exact same script each year (and those of us who watch each season often find ourselves saying his lines along with him). To his credit, he slides in some under-the-radar verbal jabs from time to time in order to spice things up. This week though, he kind of phoned it in. How could he have done to Michelle on her birthday? (and her 30th birthday at that!)
So, Ashley H., the dentist who dances around in tube socks and short shorts, gets the first date and it's a one-on-one. She's pumped, some girls pretend to be excited for her, other girls shoot her evil looks. Ashley S. looks really bummed because she got the first impression rose and now feels like he might have picked a new favorite, or quite possibly confused the other Ashley with her....either way, it's not good. We flash forward to Brad coming to pick her up. Ashley H. bounces down the stairs in her dress that is 1/2 sequined gold (a la Las Vegas lounge singer (think Whoppie in Sister Act)) and 1/2 gold tutu (a la pimped out ballerina), all tied neatly together with a gold bow. There was so much wrong with this dress that it almost came together as a "right"....I said "almost."
Brad and Ashley drive together down the highway and turn off into the woods. Ashley H says that she's scared and jokes about something bad happening. That's right, hon, the producers have run out of date ideas so they've decided to throw in a wooded chainsaw murder date to liven things up. Seriously, how much danger can you be in when there is a whole camera crew there as witnesses....I'm sure at least the guy with the boom mic would step in to help if needed. As it turns out, there's no carnage in store, but rather a makeshift carnival. The camera catches these two lovebirds frolicking from ride to ride, eating cotton candy, and winning stuffed animals. Then we are treated to the sentiment that is uttered every season of the Bachelor (and I'm paraphrasing): "I want to make sure (name) can relax and have fun and act like a kid." Color me confused, but I thought acting like a child was a bad thing. When you tell something they are being childish, it's not usually meant as a compliment. But somewhere in the world of The Bachelor, being able to act like a child is right up there with honesty and trustworthiness as wanted virtues...this could explain the success rate of Bachelor couples.
There was a serious conversation at the end when both Brad and Ashley H. talked about their absent fathers. As a psychologist, I appreciated their ability for self-reflection...however, they seemed to conceptualize it as reasons why they both are guarded. Two guarded people does not make a match made in heaven. But Ashley H., determined to not be sent home, grabs Brad and pulls him in for a kiss. And thanks to the creative editing by the staff at ABC, it appears that the kiss goes on much longer than it really does. If you take careful note, you'll notice that Ashley H. initiates the majority of the kisses (and even asks, "Can we do that again?") - not a good sign. However, he's definitely not ready to send her home so he gives her a rose.
Next up is the group date. Melissa cannot believe that there will be 14 other women with her on her 30th birthday date. How dare they! It's clear to her that she is the right one for Brad, so she gets a little pissy that he needs to keep up the charade and go through all the other eliminations - remember, there will be fireworks when they kiss. {And as a side note, I didn't understand the superhuge (dinner plate-sized) earrings paired with the 80's ripped, Flashdance top....but she can wear what she wants - it's her birthday).
Maybe it's the fact that there is a vampire wanna-be in the group, but ABC decides that the girls will be involved in a PSA promoting blood donation for the Red Cross. Can I please say how sick and tired of all the "acting" related dates that have gone on in the past couple of seasons? They are so stupid! And let's face it, everyone does more acting off camera than on camera....Brad acts like he's a changed man, Raichel acts like her dresses fit her, Michelle acts like she has a soul....errrrr....you get my point. Highlights of this date include the following:
1) Melissa being cast a cougar because I know I'm not the only one questioning her stated age of 32
2) Keltie having to be the butch girl with the arm casts....and I have to say, she pulled off the comedic part of that very well.
3) Britt, the self-proclaimed prude, out-skanking Chantal (the not-self-proclaimed prude) and
4) the girls accusing Stacey of 'messing up on purpose" so she could get to kiss Brad more....that's just smart game-playing gals.
Two incidences earn some extra attention:
1) Melissa literally diving into Brad with an ambush kiss right to the fake mustache. The only word to describe his face is "horrified." Melissa has a thing for literally throwing herself at men - remember how she dove into Brad's arms screaming "Catch me!" on the first night?...geez, if this isn't a more blatant metaphor for how she handles her dating life, I don't know what is. Lest we forget, she will quickly remind us that she quit her job to be on the Bachelor...some would say that's confidence....given the fact that it's her, I'm going to put it in the delusional bucket.
2) Michelle's meltdown was classic! We now have a better understanding of why she said she doesn't have any girl friends. I think Brad handled it as well as he could, but you could definitely see some irritation and confusion on his face - guys tend to not "get" girl drama. But you know he was thinking, "Good thing you're hot...I just gotta keep you around until fantasy suite time." Besides, it's her birthday, she can be psycho if she wants.
The rooftop party was fairly uneventful, until Melissa reared her cougar temper. No matter how many times I watch that sequence of events, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Melissa and Raichel were fighting about. Even more confusing is that Raichel appeared to be the one trying to walk away from a confrontation, but it was Melissa who kept poking the bear with the stick! Raichel strikes me as the kind of gal who has a TKO or two under her belt, so the fact that Melissa didn't leave on a stretcher shows me that court-ordered anger management classes can help....either that or Raichel recognized that Melissa is c-r-a-z-y and was afraid that she would have the superhuman strength that sometimes accompanies active manic episodes.
The only other noteworthy part of the evening was that birthday girl Michelle got the rose at the end of the date. I am going to assume it was a birthday-pity rose....or a "thank God you're pretty enough to make up for your craziness rose"....hard to tell - those roses can look alike. Ever-modest Michelle took the opportunity to do a little victory dance in the pool, where she flaunted her rose in front of the 14 other roseless bachelorettes....again, I'm shocked blood was not shed.
The next one-on-one date was with Jackie. After episode one, I was feeling ambivalent about her, but after this episode....still ambivalent. She seemed a lot nicer this time around - I had been worried during the first episode that she would have the "behind-the-scenes-bitchiness" that plagues no less than 3 contestants every year. But she headed off to her Pretty Woman date. Now, this is where I would fail miserably on a show like this. My date would have played out like this:
Brad: Today, I'm taking you on this amazing Pretty Woman date where you are going to be pampered and treated like royalty.
Me: Royalty? Have you seen Pretty Woman? She's a prostitute! Do I look like a prostitute?
Brad: No...of course not. I'm just reading the cue cards they told me to read.
Me: Zip it, Dr. Phil protege - I'm no hooker, and you're no Richard Gere.
Hence why I comment on reality shows rather than star in them.
After a very blah, vanilla scene of them in robes with mud on their faces, Brad leads Jackie up to a room filled with dresses and accessories - a girl's dream. Jackie, the artist, proceeds to pick out the most boring, ill-fitting dress in the entire room. It seriously looked like a shiny Glad trash bag cinched around her waist. The jewelry was a nice touch (thanks Neil Lane!), but again - we've seen this date before on previous seasons (but never on Michelle's birthday)
After thanking Brad for the 1054th time, Jackie and he arrive at the Hollywood Bowl and Jackie is tickled pink that her name is on the marquee. They sit down to dinner that started off so boring I was tempted to flip to the BCS Championship game. My finger was on the button when Brad asked the million-dollar question:
"So, how many relationships have you had?"
Jackie admitted to only having two serious relationships and to have not dated in college. I am going to assume that Brad had been lulled into a bored state of dissociation and therefore misheard Jackie because he responded to her answer as if she had said, "I have never dated a man before because I have a tendency to murder them before the relationship can really take off."
While Brad sat there, looking as shaken up as Bobby Brown did during the infamous "Crack is whack" interview, Jackie stated that she picks her relationships carefully. I'm not seeing where the bad part is. Brad spins it to mean that she has commitment issues, at which point three words cross my mind: Pot. Kettle. Black. But Brad, after receiving assurance from Jackie that she is ready for a relationship, gives her a rose and reveals the surprise that Train is performing for them. Jackie looks confused - she's an artist, remember? She is not hip to the adult pop scene and has no idea who Train is, but she dances around and feigns happiness after the producers threaten to take her rose away.....She may not be a fan of Train - however, I am still holding out hope that she might be a Justin Beiber collage artist - only time will tell.
Rose ceremony - highlights:
1) Michelle pulling Brad aside to ask him "serious" questions such as where he prefers to get his coffee and what he stocks his fridge with. And like the high school girl she has not been about to grow out of, she assums that on the basis of his answers that they are soulmates. Michelle also takes the time to accuse him of having walls - and she does so in the most intrusive tone possible....one that would make anyone go on the defensive.
2) Emily proved that, if you have a cute little southern accent, you can get away with saying just about anything. I almost fell off the couch laughing when Michelle shared her questions to Brad with the ladies and Emily says, "Are you serious? Oh...I thought you were just being a smart-ass." Your stock in rising, Emily.
3) Melissa having absolutely no clue what an ass she is making of herself. She has yet to learn that being the "damsel in distress" only works when you are actually in distress...not when you are amid your own self-created drama. There's a reason most guys don't watch soap operas....Melissa has yet to figure out why.
4) Sweet Ashley S telling Melissa that she does not care about the drama between Melissa and Raichel and does not want to hear about it. I'm shocked at such healthy conflict resolution from one of the contestants, but quickly remember that Ashley S is a nanny - she's used to dealing with childish fights (and see? Childish is not a good thing!!)
4) Raichel, crying as she pops out of her Jersey Shore dress, stating that she wanted to look beautiful for Brad but is afraid that's ruined because she's crying. Don't worry Raichel, he's not looking your face.
5)Ali and Roberto returning to the show, both looking a little scraggly. "Carefully disheveled" is one thing - just plain messy is another.
6) Melissa telling Ali and Roberto that she's the targeted one in the house - did she not watch Jake's season? Because if she did, she'd quickly remember that Vienna was the targeted one in the house and the main person doing the targeting was....Ali! You know Ali was thinking, "Ahhh...so you're this season's Vienna....I couldn't get rid of her, but I can get rid of you!"...and those weren't notes she was taking on Melissa, I believe I saw the faint outline of a tombstone and a hanging rope.
Here's where I have to give Brad credit - I did not think he would send both Melissa and Raichel home, but he did. He's proven that, despite his willingness to keep Miss Twilight around, he is able to recognize blatant high school troublemakers and is willing to send them home....as long as they are not as hot as Michelle.
Sadest moment of the night - Keltie's exit interview. She was right - I think the costume did her in! But it was truly sad to hear her say, "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone"....in the words of Steven Tyler, she needs to just get back in the saddle again....I mean, come on - you can't tell me that a Rockette can't get a date.
Next week looks like there's more acting dates (yawn) and lots of good maladaptive behavior, with our resident mean girl, Michelle. Can't wait!
Oh...lest I forget - Happy 30th birthday, Michelle!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
It's Like De Ja Vu All Over Again
Before I give my thoughts on the opening episode of The Bachelor, I have to get a few things on the table.
1. I was not aware that the Bachelor was starting again until Daniel said, somewhat despondantly, "So I guess you will want me to DVR The Bachelor for you....?" One of the many reasons I'm marrying him.
2. I created this blog about The Bachelor not because I think my insights about the show are so astounding (they're not), but because during the past seasons of The Bachelor, many of my friends and I have sent countless emails/facebook messages back and forth, discussing this gem of a reality show. I think all my my friends are hilarious and yet many don't know each other, so I'm hoping that this will be the place where we can all share our Bachelor insights, funny observations, and "bless his/her heart" moments.
3. Just for the record, I understand why America hated Brad after his first run on The Bachelor....I get it, but I can't say that I felt it. I think he made an honest decision based on where he was at the time. Do I think that he should have probably figured out whether he has a commitment phobia before he agreed to go on a show where he is expected to propose to a relative stranger?...that might have been a good first step. Did he lead the girls on?....more than just a tad. Was it fairly tacky how he handled the situation? Heck yes! And while what he did was cringe-worthy, it's not really any worse than the other Bachelors who have proposed to someone, only to turn around a ditch them several months down the road (ahem ahem, Jake...cough cough, Bob). So, for the record, I'm not necessarily on Team Brad, but I'm not writing from a position of hatred either. Like any good psychologist, I'm hanging out in the gray area.
So, last night I settled in with my burrito bowl from Chipotle and felt actual butterflies of excitement as I saw The Bachelor intro....another season of dysfunction and I can hardly contain myself. I explained the importance of the first episode to Daniel (who conveniently called his parents, brother, and anyone else who was home while I watched The Bachelor) - when it's the Bachelorette and you have 25 guys, most of them can hide their pathology for at least 2 episodes....remember, we all loved Frank in the beginning! But girls....not so much. We usually get to see everyone's pathology on day 1....which leads to a ton of moments that leave me saying, "I'm so embarrassed for her!"
Why ABC felt the need to recap the whole Bachelor Brad: Part 1 fiasco is beyond me. I understand giving a quick intro, but 30 minutes was more than I needed. I will say this - as someone who works in the mental health field, I'm very happy that Brad went to see a therapist to work on his personal issues. See?....therapy works. But after the 15th time he said, "I'm not afraid to admit it - I went to therapy," I started to feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking, "You went to therapy....not to a voodoo doctor!" but I guess, even in our "enlightened" age, stigma still rears its ugly head.
My other favorite part about the recap was that, just as he was talking about how he is a changed man and on The Bachelor for the right reasons, all we saw was him running (with his shirt off), thinking (with his shirt off) and showering (sans shirt). Nothing says "I'm genuinely here to find my wife" like gratuitous bare pectoral shots - again, nice work ABC.
My least favorite part of the first episode of each season is the "ad lib" question and answer session with Chris Harrison.....until this season. I actually rewound Brad's reaction to finding out that Jenny and Deanna were there. I watched it twice....okay, three times. Part of me hated Chris Harrison for pulling this stunt...part of me thought it was brilliant. Jenny tried her hardest to be so sweet and optimistic, but Deanna pulled no punches. Even though Deanna has moved on and found love, she has clearly not forgotten Mr. Womack's unsavory past....and for that reason (along with her willingness to hold his feet to the fire) I have moved her from the "Ick" box and placed her into the "Most Triumphant" box. Way to go Deanna.
Now that Brad has been metaphorically kicked in the nads, he's ready to meet the 30 strangers from which he must pick his wife! Because I can't remember the order they came out of the limo in, I'm just going alphabetically. But before I get to the ladies, did anyone else feel like Brad was a bit desperate? I just kept having flashbacks to Sally Field's acceptance speech - "They like me!!! They really really like me!!!" I cringed for him numerous times. Alright, on to the ladies!!!
Alli: This woman obviously wants to be chosen for her brains and sparkling personality....which is why she chose to wear a green dress that barely covers her nipples. If the kid from Meet the Fockers was watching, his little fingers would have quickly tired from doing the sign for "milk". And, as if the boobs weren't enough, she is also the girl who asked Brad if she could handle her junk in the trunk. I thought she was surely not getting a rose....Mr. I'm-Here-To-Find-My-Wife decided otherwise.....go figure.
Ashley H: She's the dentist who likes to dance in Risky Business outfits. Initially I liked her, but in the sneak peak provided at the end of the show, it appears that wheels come off. One juicy tidbit showed her mouth being bleeped out as she cussed while on a group date....as a dentist, she should know that having filth fly out of one's mouth is not good for your dental health. But alas, she held it together for the first night and earned herself a trip to the next round. She's our front runner for the "Closet Crazy" award.
Ashley S: I was afraid that she would be all sob story (and her story is truly sad), but she is not leading with it and for that, I commend her. I knew she would get the First Impression Rose by being one of the only girls to not verbally flog Brad with questions about his past misbehavior. She's cute, sweet, and Southern....the killer trifecta for Brad. She's one of my front runners to make it all the way to the end.
Britnee: When I saw that she had the cojones to have Brad come get her from the limo, I thought, "We've got a real spitfire on our hands." And while it was a clever way to get his attention, I don't think she planned beyond that point because everything after that was bo-ring. I was expecting 4-alarm chili and got ketchup. I wasn't the only one left unimpressed....she went home roseless.
Britt: Bringing Brad food was a creative way to make herself memorable (she's a chef) and a no-brainer when it comes to men....feed them and they are happy. He may not take her to the end but no man is going to send home the chef on the first night.
Chantal: She gets my first "Oh honey no" of the night. Where do I begin? I think the alarm bells started ticking when she stated that she has just recently gotten divorced and "hates being alone." The alarm bells became audible when she stated that she is not good at the dating scene because she hates playing games....which begs the question - does she know what The Bachelor is? For someone who hates playing games, a reality TV show where grown women compete for a complete stranger as if he was the last man alive should be about as appealing as helping others is to Paris Hilton. I mean, the games are why we watch The Bachelor! Can you imagine how boring the show would be if everyone practiced good communication, honest intentions, and conflict resolution skills? Snooze fest 2011! But if that wasn't enough, my alarm bells practically exploded when she slapped Brad across the face upon first meeting him. Didn't anyone tell her that hitting the boy you like on the playground was supposed to have stopped at age 6?...apparently not....and apparently Brad has some masochistic tendencies because she got a rose.
Cristy:......?
Emily: Another really sad story (I actually welled up a little as I watched), but again, she did not lead with it so she's good in my book. Brad is clearly taken with her beauty (she is stunning) and the South Carolina Southern drawl is just the icing on the cake. Not entirely sure how Brad feels about being involved with a woman who already has a child, but her beauty and sweetness is enough to take her far. My only hope is that she doesn't get in her own way or that she becomes an emotional wreck. I think she'll make it to the final three but don't think she'll go the distance. But for now she has a rose.
J: Call me crazy, but I liked her....unfortunately, Brad did not. She seemed genuine and confident (but not in an obnoxious way). My favorite J moment was her face when Keltie was trying to teach Brad how to high kick. At that point, she probably wished she would be sent home so she didn't have to actually live with these girls....and for her own sanity sake, Brad granted that wish.
Jackie: The jury's out on this one. She's one of the girls in a bright yellow dress. She's an artist, but came across more like a Bieber-loving, valley girl. I guess they didn't say what kind of artist she is....she could be a Bieber Collage artist. There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but unfortunately, I think she will go far based on the sneak peak shots. Regardless, she's going to have to put making air-brushed Bieber t-shirts on hold for a while bc she got a rose.
Jill: A cautionary tale to the next generation: Do not let the first words out of your mouth to a man be "I can't wait to get married." Especially if that man had nation news-worthy commitment phobias. Try starting with your name, maybe your occupation...."I want to bear your children" is something you have to ease into. Had she not led with such "excitement" I think she would have gotten a rose....but, the damage was done and she was sent home.
Keltie: Although Daniel refuses to watch The Bachelor, he does occassionally come into the room when I'm watching it. Right as Keltie came bounding out of the limo, he came in to grab his book and uttered my favorite quote of the evening, "She looks like Steven Tyler in a dress!" That image was permanently burned into my head and now all I can think when I see her is, "I don't want to close my eyes....." However, I actually do want to close my eyes because Keltie makes me very uncomfortable. If she can tone it down, she may become palatable, but I don't think I'm going to have to endure her for much longer. I'm just glad she didn't form a kick line when she got a rose.
Kimberly: Proving that Brad is a glutton for punishment, Kimberly advanced to the next stage after grilling Brad and stating that she didn't want to get "screwed over." Again, strong and confident is one thing....rude and intrusive is another. Masochistic Brad gave her a rose anyways.
Lacey: Couldn't really focus on her because I was too focused on the fact that she was wearing the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding...and in the same exact color!!! The good news was that I loved the way it looked on her (she was pretty too). I was so distracted by the dress I can't remember much else....and neither could Brad, so he sent her home.
Lauren: Not a fan. I think she was aiming for "comically snarky" but ended up projecting "PMS-ing irritation." I felt like she was preparing for her exit before she even stepped out of the limo and I loved her "in promptu" speech at the end when she cried over this love lost and informed America that Brad would not find anyone better than her....let's agree to disagree.
Lindsay: Unfortunately reminds me of someone I don't like so I was heckling her from the moment she stepped out of the limo. For me, her bold choice of wearing red as a red-head did not pay off, but there were so many roses to give out....someone had to get one.
Lisa M: There's no place like home - and, at least for now, she doesn't have to go home. I swear she looked about 12-years-old and the fact that she referenced a childhood classic didn't help matters. But it was a clever way to get noticed and a great way to utilize her free time before recess.
Lisa P: Completely unforgettable....best personality....beautiful smile....okay, I'm lying - I can't remember who she is.
Madison: Chantal may have received the first "O honey no" of the evening, but Madison got the loudest. I actually audibly groaned at the TV. When she first talked about the fangs, I thought she would (at most) have them on when she met Brad as a way to be remembered, but then quickly take them off once she was inside. But no...she kept those suckers (get it?) on all night. Not only that, but she has adopted a way of carrying herself that reminds me of my patients when they start abusing their pain medications....droopy, dazed, and off-putting. The thing that bothers me most is that it's an act. If you look at her photo on The Bachelor website, she looks like she bounced off the cover of Teen Vogue. Yet she is trying to be dark and mysterious. This was another moment that had me going, "I see how serious you are about finding love, Brad!" But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always think there is one woman who the producers say, "I know she's crazy, but you can't cut her." Remember Michelle from Jake's season? Meet the new Michelle.
Marissa: I love her and he loves that she loves sports! That's a lot of love and when you put it all together, it means she got a rose. I hope she goes far, but don't think she will. (middle of the pack)
Meghan: Personally, I HATED the shoes...and couldn't get passed them. She's lucky she's trying to win the love of a man....a woman would never have let her get by with those gunboats on her feet. Seriously, they were huge and loud....they were Alli (green dress) as shoes. But like Ms. Big Booty, Meghan gets to stay.
Melissa: If she can tone it down, she has potential. The whole "catch me" bit was too much and I personally would have laughed so hard if Brad fell over. I wonder if they had to do several takes of that. She got a rose, but she's on probation in my book....she better drop the act or she's going to get dropped.
Michelle: If anyone is going to give Ashley H. a run for her money on the "Closet Crazy" award, it's Michelle. The moment she uttered the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends with the other girls...." I knew we had our resident troublemaker. And the fact that she is gorgeous means that she will probably stay longer than expected. I love how Bachelor contestants think that explaining how their intention is not to make friends somehow excuses the flood of nasty behavior they are about to air. If looks could kill, many of those girls would be dead. I feel like she's a slightly different version of Trish (from Jesse Palmer's "amazing" season) - I think Brad will get to see a very different side of her than what she shows to the rest of the girl.
Renee: Traditionally, I have always unconditionally cheered for the girls from Illinois (go Jen!)...but I just couldn't cheer for Renee. When you come across as immature relative to the rest of The Bachelor contestants, you have some serious growing up to do. I almost expected her to slip Brad a note that read: "I heart you - Do you want to talk to me? Check "Yes" "No" or "Maybe"" Watching her reminded of that great episode of Sex and the City where Carries boyfriend informs the ladies that if a man wants to go up to your place at the end of a date, nothing (not an early day the next day, not an impending deadline....nothing) will stop him. I felt like telling Renee, "If he really wants to talk to you for more than 30 seconds, he would tell the other women he'll be right with them after he finishes his conversation with you." Do you think she ever noticed the look of relief on his face every time someone came to "steal him away" from her?
Raichel: She'll forever be known as "The Manscaper." I like her but feel she is more cut out for Jerseylicious than The Bachelor. In an alternate universe, I think we would be friends, but I think her time on the show is limited. Also, as we saw in the shirtless montage of Brad, he doesn't have much hair to be waxed.
Rebecca: She's done her homework and she knows that the girls who get kisses on the first night tend to at least make it past the first round....well, some streaks are meant to be broken. It's back to kissing frogs, my dear.
Sarah L: The most interesting thing about her (other than the fact that she was missing the top part of her gown) is that she cannot snap her fingers.....well, I can't whistle and I can honestly say that that's never been a selling point with the fellas. If that's the best you've got, you're going home (and make it snappy.....(groan) - I couldn't resist)
Sarah P: She took it to the next level and actually had Brad propose to her. I'm fairly certain he was fantasizing about Emily when he was down on one knee, but in the confusion he still gave her a rose.
Shawntal: The only woman with a better job than Raichel....she's a professional embalmer!!! Keeping her may have been a tactical move - if Madison fangs anyone to death, Shawntal will know what to do! On a serious note (as if embalming were not a serious topic), I like her in a weird way....but no worries, I'm not going to get a pair of fangs of my own. In a weird way, Brad liked her too and gave her a rose (not sure he knows about her plans for him and the mausoleum, though)
Stacey: She's the wicked awesome bartender from Boston. I like her but don't want to get too attached because I think she's going to be mixing up dirty martinis very soon. She appeared calm and confident, but I think Brad may be looking for someone who is going to gush all over him...black dress with chains on it does not signify a gusher.
Whew...and those lovely ladies are who Brad gets to pick from. Because the producers and casting directors at ABC are natural matchmakers, I'm certain that Brad will fall head over heels in love with at least one woman and finally get his happily ever after....for at least 6 months after the final rose (if we're basing this prediction on past Bachelor performance)
1. I was not aware that the Bachelor was starting again until Daniel said, somewhat despondantly, "So I guess you will want me to DVR The Bachelor for you....?" One of the many reasons I'm marrying him.
2. I created this blog about The Bachelor not because I think my insights about the show are so astounding (they're not), but because during the past seasons of The Bachelor, many of my friends and I have sent countless emails/facebook messages back and forth, discussing this gem of a reality show. I think all my my friends are hilarious and yet many don't know each other, so I'm hoping that this will be the place where we can all share our Bachelor insights, funny observations, and "bless his/her heart" moments.
3. Just for the record, I understand why America hated Brad after his first run on The Bachelor....I get it, but I can't say that I felt it. I think he made an honest decision based on where he was at the time. Do I think that he should have probably figured out whether he has a commitment phobia before he agreed to go on a show where he is expected to propose to a relative stranger?...that might have been a good first step. Did he lead the girls on?....more than just a tad. Was it fairly tacky how he handled the situation? Heck yes! And while what he did was cringe-worthy, it's not really any worse than the other Bachelors who have proposed to someone, only to turn around a ditch them several months down the road (ahem ahem, Jake...cough cough, Bob). So, for the record, I'm not necessarily on Team Brad, but I'm not writing from a position of hatred either. Like any good psychologist, I'm hanging out in the gray area.
So, last night I settled in with my burrito bowl from Chipotle and felt actual butterflies of excitement as I saw The Bachelor intro....another season of dysfunction and I can hardly contain myself. I explained the importance of the first episode to Daniel (who conveniently called his parents, brother, and anyone else who was home while I watched The Bachelor) - when it's the Bachelorette and you have 25 guys, most of them can hide their pathology for at least 2 episodes....remember, we all loved Frank in the beginning! But girls....not so much. We usually get to see everyone's pathology on day 1....which leads to a ton of moments that leave me saying, "I'm so embarrassed for her!"
Why ABC felt the need to recap the whole Bachelor Brad: Part 1 fiasco is beyond me. I understand giving a quick intro, but 30 minutes was more than I needed. I will say this - as someone who works in the mental health field, I'm very happy that Brad went to see a therapist to work on his personal issues. See?....therapy works. But after the 15th time he said, "I'm not afraid to admit it - I went to therapy," I started to feel a little uneasy. I kept thinking, "You went to therapy....not to a voodoo doctor!" but I guess, even in our "enlightened" age, stigma still rears its ugly head.
My other favorite part about the recap was that, just as he was talking about how he is a changed man and on The Bachelor for the right reasons, all we saw was him running (with his shirt off), thinking (with his shirt off) and showering (sans shirt). Nothing says "I'm genuinely here to find my wife" like gratuitous bare pectoral shots - again, nice work ABC.
My least favorite part of the first episode of each season is the "ad lib" question and answer session with Chris Harrison.....until this season. I actually rewound Brad's reaction to finding out that Jenny and Deanna were there. I watched it twice....okay, three times. Part of me hated Chris Harrison for pulling this stunt...part of me thought it was brilliant. Jenny tried her hardest to be so sweet and optimistic, but Deanna pulled no punches. Even though Deanna has moved on and found love, she has clearly not forgotten Mr. Womack's unsavory past....and for that reason (along with her willingness to hold his feet to the fire) I have moved her from the "Ick" box and placed her into the "Most Triumphant" box. Way to go Deanna.
Now that Brad has been metaphorically kicked in the nads, he's ready to meet the 30 strangers from which he must pick his wife! Because I can't remember the order they came out of the limo in, I'm just going alphabetically. But before I get to the ladies, did anyone else feel like Brad was a bit desperate? I just kept having flashbacks to Sally Field's acceptance speech - "They like me!!! They really really like me!!!" I cringed for him numerous times. Alright, on to the ladies!!!
Alli: This woman obviously wants to be chosen for her brains and sparkling personality....which is why she chose to wear a green dress that barely covers her nipples. If the kid from Meet the Fockers was watching, his little fingers would have quickly tired from doing the sign for "milk". And, as if the boobs weren't enough, she is also the girl who asked Brad if she could handle her junk in the trunk. I thought she was surely not getting a rose....Mr. I'm-Here-To-Find-My-Wife decided otherwise.....go figure.
Ashley H: She's the dentist who likes to dance in Risky Business outfits. Initially I liked her, but in the sneak peak provided at the end of the show, it appears that wheels come off. One juicy tidbit showed her mouth being bleeped out as she cussed while on a group date....as a dentist, she should know that having filth fly out of one's mouth is not good for your dental health. But alas, she held it together for the first night and earned herself a trip to the next round. She's our front runner for the "Closet Crazy" award.
Ashley S: I was afraid that she would be all sob story (and her story is truly sad), but she is not leading with it and for that, I commend her. I knew she would get the First Impression Rose by being one of the only girls to not verbally flog Brad with questions about his past misbehavior. She's cute, sweet, and Southern....the killer trifecta for Brad. She's one of my front runners to make it all the way to the end.
Britnee: When I saw that she had the cojones to have Brad come get her from the limo, I thought, "We've got a real spitfire on our hands." And while it was a clever way to get his attention, I don't think she planned beyond that point because everything after that was bo-ring. I was expecting 4-alarm chili and got ketchup. I wasn't the only one left unimpressed....she went home roseless.
Britt: Bringing Brad food was a creative way to make herself memorable (she's a chef) and a no-brainer when it comes to men....feed them and they are happy. He may not take her to the end but no man is going to send home the chef on the first night.
Chantal: She gets my first "Oh honey no" of the night. Where do I begin? I think the alarm bells started ticking when she stated that she has just recently gotten divorced and "hates being alone." The alarm bells became audible when she stated that she is not good at the dating scene because she hates playing games....which begs the question - does she know what The Bachelor is? For someone who hates playing games, a reality TV show where grown women compete for a complete stranger as if he was the last man alive should be about as appealing as helping others is to Paris Hilton. I mean, the games are why we watch The Bachelor! Can you imagine how boring the show would be if everyone practiced good communication, honest intentions, and conflict resolution skills? Snooze fest 2011! But if that wasn't enough, my alarm bells practically exploded when she slapped Brad across the face upon first meeting him. Didn't anyone tell her that hitting the boy you like on the playground was supposed to have stopped at age 6?...apparently not....and apparently Brad has some masochistic tendencies because she got a rose.
Cristy:......?
Emily: Another really sad story (I actually welled up a little as I watched), but again, she did not lead with it so she's good in my book. Brad is clearly taken with her beauty (she is stunning) and the South Carolina Southern drawl is just the icing on the cake. Not entirely sure how Brad feels about being involved with a woman who already has a child, but her beauty and sweetness is enough to take her far. My only hope is that she doesn't get in her own way or that she becomes an emotional wreck. I think she'll make it to the final three but don't think she'll go the distance. But for now she has a rose.
J: Call me crazy, but I liked her....unfortunately, Brad did not. She seemed genuine and confident (but not in an obnoxious way). My favorite J moment was her face when Keltie was trying to teach Brad how to high kick. At that point, she probably wished she would be sent home so she didn't have to actually live with these girls....and for her own sanity sake, Brad granted that wish.
Jackie: The jury's out on this one. She's one of the girls in a bright yellow dress. She's an artist, but came across more like a Bieber-loving, valley girl. I guess they didn't say what kind of artist she is....she could be a Bieber Collage artist. There's something about her that rubs me the wrong way, but unfortunately, I think she will go far based on the sneak peak shots. Regardless, she's going to have to put making air-brushed Bieber t-shirts on hold for a while bc she got a rose.
Jill: A cautionary tale to the next generation: Do not let the first words out of your mouth to a man be "I can't wait to get married." Especially if that man had nation news-worthy commitment phobias. Try starting with your name, maybe your occupation...."I want to bear your children" is something you have to ease into. Had she not led with such "excitement" I think she would have gotten a rose....but, the damage was done and she was sent home.
Keltie: Although Daniel refuses to watch The Bachelor, he does occassionally come into the room when I'm watching it. Right as Keltie came bounding out of the limo, he came in to grab his book and uttered my favorite quote of the evening, "She looks like Steven Tyler in a dress!" That image was permanently burned into my head and now all I can think when I see her is, "I don't want to close my eyes....." However, I actually do want to close my eyes because Keltie makes me very uncomfortable. If she can tone it down, she may become palatable, but I don't think I'm going to have to endure her for much longer. I'm just glad she didn't form a kick line when she got a rose.
Kimberly: Proving that Brad is a glutton for punishment, Kimberly advanced to the next stage after grilling Brad and stating that she didn't want to get "screwed over." Again, strong and confident is one thing....rude and intrusive is another. Masochistic Brad gave her a rose anyways.
Lacey: Couldn't really focus on her because I was too focused on the fact that she was wearing the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding...and in the same exact color!!! The good news was that I loved the way it looked on her (she was pretty too). I was so distracted by the dress I can't remember much else....and neither could Brad, so he sent her home.
Lauren: Not a fan. I think she was aiming for "comically snarky" but ended up projecting "PMS-ing irritation." I felt like she was preparing for her exit before she even stepped out of the limo and I loved her "in promptu" speech at the end when she cried over this love lost and informed America that Brad would not find anyone better than her....let's agree to disagree.
Lindsay: Unfortunately reminds me of someone I don't like so I was heckling her from the moment she stepped out of the limo. For me, her bold choice of wearing red as a red-head did not pay off, but there were so many roses to give out....someone had to get one.
Lisa M: There's no place like home - and, at least for now, she doesn't have to go home. I swear she looked about 12-years-old and the fact that she referenced a childhood classic didn't help matters. But it was a clever way to get noticed and a great way to utilize her free time before recess.
Lisa P: Completely unforgettable....best personality....beautiful smile....okay, I'm lying - I can't remember who she is.
Madison: Chantal may have received the first "O honey no" of the evening, but Madison got the loudest. I actually audibly groaned at the TV. When she first talked about the fangs, I thought she would (at most) have them on when she met Brad as a way to be remembered, but then quickly take them off once she was inside. But no...she kept those suckers (get it?) on all night. Not only that, but she has adopted a way of carrying herself that reminds me of my patients when they start abusing their pain medications....droopy, dazed, and off-putting. The thing that bothers me most is that it's an act. If you look at her photo on The Bachelor website, she looks like she bounced off the cover of Teen Vogue. Yet she is trying to be dark and mysterious. This was another moment that had me going, "I see how serious you are about finding love, Brad!" But, to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always think there is one woman who the producers say, "I know she's crazy, but you can't cut her." Remember Michelle from Jake's season? Meet the new Michelle.
Marissa: I love her and he loves that she loves sports! That's a lot of love and when you put it all together, it means she got a rose. I hope she goes far, but don't think she will. (middle of the pack)
Meghan: Personally, I HATED the shoes...and couldn't get passed them. She's lucky she's trying to win the love of a man....a woman would never have let her get by with those gunboats on her feet. Seriously, they were huge and loud....they were Alli (green dress) as shoes. But like Ms. Big Booty, Meghan gets to stay.
Melissa: If she can tone it down, she has potential. The whole "catch me" bit was too much and I personally would have laughed so hard if Brad fell over. I wonder if they had to do several takes of that. She got a rose, but she's on probation in my book....she better drop the act or she's going to get dropped.
Michelle: If anyone is going to give Ashley H. a run for her money on the "Closet Crazy" award, it's Michelle. The moment she uttered the phrase, "I'm not here to make friends with the other girls...." I knew we had our resident troublemaker. And the fact that she is gorgeous means that she will probably stay longer than expected. I love how Bachelor contestants think that explaining how their intention is not to make friends somehow excuses the flood of nasty behavior they are about to air. If looks could kill, many of those girls would be dead. I feel like she's a slightly different version of Trish (from Jesse Palmer's "amazing" season) - I think Brad will get to see a very different side of her than what she shows to the rest of the girl.
Renee: Traditionally, I have always unconditionally cheered for the girls from Illinois (go Jen!)...but I just couldn't cheer for Renee. When you come across as immature relative to the rest of The Bachelor contestants, you have some serious growing up to do. I almost expected her to slip Brad a note that read: "I heart you - Do you want to talk to me? Check "Yes" "No" or "Maybe"" Watching her reminded of that great episode of Sex and the City where Carries boyfriend informs the ladies that if a man wants to go up to your place at the end of a date, nothing (not an early day the next day, not an impending deadline....nothing) will stop him. I felt like telling Renee, "If he really wants to talk to you for more than 30 seconds, he would tell the other women he'll be right with them after he finishes his conversation with you." Do you think she ever noticed the look of relief on his face every time someone came to "steal him away" from her?
Raichel: She'll forever be known as "The Manscaper." I like her but feel she is more cut out for Jerseylicious than The Bachelor. In an alternate universe, I think we would be friends, but I think her time on the show is limited. Also, as we saw in the shirtless montage of Brad, he doesn't have much hair to be waxed.
Rebecca: She's done her homework and she knows that the girls who get kisses on the first night tend to at least make it past the first round....well, some streaks are meant to be broken. It's back to kissing frogs, my dear.
Sarah L: The most interesting thing about her (other than the fact that she was missing the top part of her gown) is that she cannot snap her fingers.....well, I can't whistle and I can honestly say that that's never been a selling point with the fellas. If that's the best you've got, you're going home (and make it snappy.....(groan) - I couldn't resist)
Sarah P: She took it to the next level and actually had Brad propose to her. I'm fairly certain he was fantasizing about Emily when he was down on one knee, but in the confusion he still gave her a rose.
Shawntal: The only woman with a better job than Raichel....she's a professional embalmer!!! Keeping her may have been a tactical move - if Madison fangs anyone to death, Shawntal will know what to do! On a serious note (as if embalming were not a serious topic), I like her in a weird way....but no worries, I'm not going to get a pair of fangs of my own. In a weird way, Brad liked her too and gave her a rose (not sure he knows about her plans for him and the mausoleum, though)
Stacey: She's the wicked awesome bartender from Boston. I like her but don't want to get too attached because I think she's going to be mixing up dirty martinis very soon. She appeared calm and confident, but I think Brad may be looking for someone who is going to gush all over him...black dress with chains on it does not signify a gusher.
Whew...and those lovely ladies are who Brad gets to pick from. Because the producers and casting directors at ABC are natural matchmakers, I'm certain that Brad will fall head over heels in love with at least one woman and finally get his happily ever after....for at least 6 months after the final rose (if we're basing this prediction on past Bachelor performance)
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