Confession: I found last night's episode a bit on the boring side. It could be related to my hatred of the "acting dates"....it could have been that Michelle's craziness has become somewhat predictable...or it could have been all the "daddy issue" talks...whatever it was, I felt like saying "Just get on with it!" several times.
Chris Harrison graced the girls with his presence to explain (yet again) the rules for the week...which incidently were the exact same rules as last week...and last season. Either way, I was thinking, "We know, Chris...we know!"...but I guess he has to earn his paycheck somehow!
First one-on-one date goes to Ashley S - the one who got the first impression rose. She and Brad are going to "find their love song"...to which she confesses that she really hopes it's not kereoke....we agree. Instead, she and Brad head to Capitol Records to record their version of the song "Kiss from a Rose"...I say "their version" because anyone who watched this episode will agree that what came out from their vocal cords did not even resemble song we all remember from the Batman movie...not even close. It was similar to the really awful American idol auditions, yet somehow not quite as funny. Even the sound guy was shaking his head in disbelief. But, instead of cutting his losses and letting us all off the hook, his contract demanded that he let them do several takes. One part that actually made me laugh was when Brad assured him that no matter how many takes they took, it was not going to get any better....his work on self-awareness in therapy is really paying off.
After Brad and Ashley finish butchering the song, they head next door where Seal is reminding the audience that it is actually a great song when sung correctly. Brief sidenote: I heart Seal and was lucky enough to literally run into him in Chicago when I was in college. He was incredibly polite as I apologized profusely for slamming my body into his torso...and I might have stepped on his foot.
Dinner on top of the Capitol Records building was a snoozefest...Ashley told him about her father's passing (which is truly sad), but since we already new this for several weeks, our reaction was significantly more subdued than Brad's. I have also noticed that when Brad hears bad news from the girls, he gets really flustered and whatever comes out of his mouth sounds really insincere...not a good combo. But the date moves on, she gets a rose, they dance (to what?), and kiss.
Boring, but a happy ending because I like Ashley S.
Next up is the group date. And since Michelle seems to have forgotten what show she is on, she is pissed that there will be other girls on her date. She hates them....and I have an inkling that the feeling is mutual.
The girls are swept away in a very suspicious-looking van and taken to a sound stage for yet another acting date. I guess the folks at ABC figure that since most of the women are probably there to jump start their acting careers, they should kill two birds with one stone. Brad is calmly telling the girls how he wants a wife who can get dirty (careful with those double entendres there) when "out of nowhere" guys pretending to be ninjas attack him. Good thing it's a carefully choreographed sequence which allows Brad to win. The fight sequence reminds me of the fake WWF fighting my brother and I did as children when we were bored - the punches are all 15 feet from the target, there's a delay in responding, you always have a shovel available when needed....you get it - it was "realistic." He then informs the girls that they will be making an action movie. They woo-hoo half-heartedly and we see a montage of their skills. Highlights include:
1) The Plano schooteacher throat-chopping some guy
2) Ali managing to show an insane amount of cleavage even though she's in workout gear
3) Lisa's grunts which come out as "squeaks"
Shawtal does the best so she gets the coveted kissing scene, which, of course, requires repeated takes. At this point, resident psycho Michelle informs us that she's jealous and pissed, but then changes her mind to say that she's glad her first kiss with Brad is not scripted, because there will be fireworks (somewhere over her right shoulder apparently). Her kiss with Brad will be slow, sensual, and....slippery. Please take a moment to spit out the vomit in your mouth.
After the filming is over, Brad takes the girls to another "wrap party" - I wish he would stop using that term after they are finished filming these never-to-be-released projects. It's like saying that you are going to a "warp party" after your crazy Aunt Edna uses her iphone to record the opening of presents at Christmas....this truly makes me irritated. Chantal seized the opportunity to steal Brad away and proceeds to cry quickly. For the resident tough gal, these tears came pretty quickly. Maybe she is confusing "tough" and "bitchy"....common error. Chantal shares that she tried to reconnect with her estranged father, only to find out that he had passed. She then goes on to spout the Stuart Smalley lessons learned from that experience and Brad tells her he likes her puffy face. Despite everything, Chantal is growing on me...but that's not hard because I solidly disliked her since Day 1. But, I should probably get over that since I think she will stay a while.
Michelle is not going to be denied one-on-one time on her non-birthday. It's night and she wants the whole world to see those fireworks. There was some talk about her bracelet and she tries to come across like she is on this show for her daughter...she even manages to squeak out a few tears. They kiss....no fireworks (and believe me, I looked over her right shoulder where she repeatedly demonstrated that the fireworks would be....nothing). Brad then goes down the elevator, grabs the rose, tells the girls who are obviously not getting the rose that he will be back shortly, and goes back upstairs. I have to hand it to ABC, I actually thought it was Michelle up there waiting for him (I had been on a plane that day and was tired...not at my sharpest)...but it's Shawtal (who I really like)...he talks about how much he likes her before almost denying her when she goes in for the kiss. It was clear that she was kissing him. I was confused but happy that she would get to live to see another week. And it should be noted that she did not feel it was necessary to treat the other women to the victory dance Michelle did the week prior.
The second one-on-one date was also somewhat anti-climactic for the viewer since we had heard Emily's story at least 3 times since the beginning of the season. It still makes me sad and I feel for her...but enough is enough ABC - don't make this girl recount this story again. ABC shows its sadistic side by not only making her recount the story yet again, but by making her get on an airplane. Seriously? That's just cruel. And they give Brad a list of questions to ask just to drive the point home...such as "Airplanes don't bother you, do they?" True to her Southern belle upbringing, she responds with a gracious, "No" because she doesn't want to appear ungrateful...but you know inside she's going, "You sonofa...."
Side note: Loved Meaghan describing Emily as a "little Barbie with the heart of Mother Teresa"...she then astutely notes that "You want to hate her, but you can't hate Mother Teresa"....Michelle disagrees.
The date starts off super-awkwardly as Brad is once again given a list of questions to ask her. She skillfully deflects them, responding that she's just like everyone else - when she gets tired she gets angry and she wants a life of happiness, etc. The king of the run-around, Brad, knows when someone is deflecting questions and he points this out. Emily just smiles and sips her wine, confessing to the camera that she knows she has to tell her story (yet again - thanks ABC) before the night is over. She bites the bullet at dinner and Brad again has a response that I think misses the mark...I think he went for "supportive" but it came out as "overwhelmed." But, Emily didn't seem to notice and accepted the rose even before Brad could get the full question out of his mouth. The best part of the date was the deleted section they showed during the credits which involved Emily cussing when she lost a marshmellow in the fire...I don't swear about much, but I agree that a lost dessert warrants more than an "o drat!"
Before the rose ceremony, we are treated to another couch session with Dr. Jamie and his beautiful Australian accent and 5-cent advice. This week's therapy golden nugget is to "open up" and be "playful" and "relaxed" because this will help the girls open up. Opening up doesn't seem to be a problem with this group - appropriate boundaries does.
At the rose ceremony, Brad tries to take Dr. Jamie's advice - I think we were supposed to notice a difference in the girls....I didn't. Brad apologized to Chantal for not giving her the appropriate response when she shared her daddy issues with him. She forgave him on the grounds that they make out until another bachelorette uncomfortably interrupts them. He obliged. And, to no one's surprise, Michelle is the one to butt into their make-out session....although she doesn't seem uncomfortable about it.
Michelle is all about the stupid games. Which is why she starts her conversation with Brad with the ultra-lame, "You and I are in our first fight," as she smiles in a way that I assume she thinks is sexy, but to the rest of us is just trashy. She again has forgotten what show she signed up for and is "mad" at Brad for kissing other girls....I mean, hasn't he listened to her interviews to the camera - He. Is. Hers. But Brad confesses that he likes her attitude and semi-stalker behavior...to each their own.
It looked like it was going to take a miracle to disentangle Michelle from Brad, but even Michelle knows not to mess with a girl with fangs and therefore she allowed Brad to talk privately with Madison. In a bold move, Madison not only took out her fangs, but said she was considering leaving the show. Brad appeared flustered...or was it concerned?...or excited?...I'm not sure - all his expressions and delivery are exactly the same. Either way, he was feeling some kind of emotion and asked her to give him a chance to get to know her. She said she would think about it, but we all knew that she was thinking how much cooler her friends at home were and how she couldn't wait to get back to her Eclipse-loving fellow vamps.
Just as Brad is reeling from Madison's talk with him, Ashley H. decides that it is the perfect time to give Brad a little taste of the craziness that he would have on a daily basis if he picked her. Her wheels are starting to wobble. Ashley H. tries to old strong-arm technique of stating "If you're on the fence with me, I'd rather have you send me home." Have any of these girls watched past seasons - this never works! But bless her heart, she tries. Brad gets up to leave, walks a couple of steps, and then goes back to Ashley H. for a very passionate kiss in front of the fire. Brad apparently has a thing for unstable women.
In the rose ceremony, Michelle and Chantal get the first two roses and then all of a sudden we see Madison exit. Chris Harrison motions to Brad that he's supposed to follow. What ensues is a vampire's version of "It's not you, it's me" break-up...to which Brad is completely oblivious. She is about to dumb it down to the simple, "I'm just not that into you," when the off-camera producer signals to Brad to just let her go so they can later edit it to make it look like Brad was rejecting her...we don't want another Jesse Palmer situation on our hands. Madison was clearly on the show just to see what it was like...and she decided that it sucked.
This week's rejected bachelorettes include:
Kimberly: also known as "crazy eyes" from episode 1. Maybe it was the eyes or the super huge peacock feather earrings, but Brad just wasn't feeling it. I was bummed at first, because she looked like a nice sweet girl (minus the eye thing), until her exit interview, when she morphed into a cursing, bitter, scorned woman. But don't worry about her, she's going to be dating someone in 5 seconds...start your watches.
On the other end of the spectrum, Sara, turns into a crying, mascara-running mess....not on national TV, hon! I'm surprised at her strong emotions given that I don't recall seeing her talk to Brad....ever. But that's the beauty of this gem called the Bachelor...you can fall head over heels with someone you have only seen from afar (sigh)
Next week Michelle gets a black eye and Ashley H's wheels continue to loosen! Can't wait!
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