It's Michelle's Day.....Again

Thankfully, this week's episode was infinitely more entertaining than last week's....I don't know if Sampson would have been willing to sit through another snooze-fest with me...and he keeps my feet warm, so he's a necessity.

Rather than starting the episode with Brad looking thoughtful, we see Michelle with a mysterious black eye. Seriously? We're only 4 episodes deep and she has already gone to the inflicting-personal-harm-to gain-attention moves....she's awesome. Michelle parades her battered face downstairs stating that she has "no clue" how she got the black eye in her sleep. Understandable - I woke up just the other day with a shatter femur and can't imagine how that happened...must be that I slept weird.

My favorite part of the "black eye mystery" is sweet little Ashley S. saying she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. I would have loved to have seen that nighttime surveillance footage! Brad seemed a little bummed when he heard that this black eye was of an unknown origin - I think he was secretly hoping that the women had started literally duking it out for him. Michelle seems to think that having a black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date. But alas, Chantal, Michelle's new mortal enemy, is chosen...and now Michelle and her black eye have nothing to show for all her self-abusing efforts...nothing but a black eye at least.

In true Bachelor tradition, a helicopter has been chosen as the mode of transportation for Chantal and Brad's date. Chantal goes on and on about how she cannot believe that Brad would go through all this trouble to set all this up for her.

Well, you can relax a little, Chantal - he didn't. When are the bachelorettes going to accept the fact that Brad has nothing to do with the dates they go on...some ABC intern who is unfortunately not qualified to be the Bachelor himself has come up with these ideas. Give credit where credit is due.

Chantal reminds the home-viewers that she is "not good at the dating thing" and is scared of her feelings for Brad....I don't know that I'd lead with that foot, Chantal.

The sadist at ABC have decided to find out each girl's greatest fears and make that the activity they do on their date. The show really should be called, "Dating Fear Factor"...and when you think about it, how fun would it be to have all the bachelorettes have to make it through the Wipeout obstacle course before getting to the next round...talk about black eyes! I can dream, can't I.

Anyways, the happy couple has landed in Catalina and Chantal informs us that she is scared of the water....so guess what the date is - yup, walking on the ocean floor. Several things should be noted:
1) It looks like it's freezing out and I can't imagine how cold the water is and
2) Given the overcast day and the fact that it was Catalina and not Tahiti, those were some of the ugliest underwater shots ever. The highlight was seaweed and one orange fish. For her sake, I hope Chantal makes it to the tropical destination date to make up for this debacle. I'm not yet a huge fan of hers but even I thought she deserved better.

The happy land-loving couple have dinner on the beach...again, it looks like it's freezing....how romantic. Now, I must say, this is the most relaxed Brad I have seen. They actually look like a couple....awwww. Brad asks her about her divorce and seems more nervous to hear about it than Chantal is to talk about it. She doesn't really give specifics, but leads us to believe that this was one of those, "we just grew apart" situations. Brad seems satisfied with her answer. She asks Brad if he wants to be married and have children. He says he's "open" to the idea....and I start to think that we may have another Runaway Bachelor on our hands...which is secretly what I'm hoping for...shhhhh.

Chantal apologizes for slapping Brad first thing out of the limo on episode 1. She has clearly had a little couch time with Dr. Jamie and recognized that slapping a complete stranger violates at least 12 social rules and 1 actual law. They babble back and forth and talk about not wanting the date to end. There's lots of kissing (and again...no fireworks....I'm starting to think that Michelle was lying about this whole fireworks thing) and then it starts to rain, which Chantal states is good luck....since when? Rain being good luck is what people say to brides when it's raining on their wedding day and they are upset because now they're not going to get the pictures they wanted. And for the record - if it rains on June 4 (my wedding day), this is exactly what I expect people to say to me...and I'll believe it.

While Chantal and Brad a busy kissing in the rain, the group date card arrives at the house. After learning that she is not on the group date, Michelle informs the camera that if she does not get the next one-on-one, Brad might get his own black eye. The more I see her, the more I keep thinking, "He's going to eventually catch on that she's crazy, right?"...but then a remember a certain someone named Vienna and fear we could be in for a whole season of this craziness.

After threatening to harm Brad to the camera, Michelle corners the ever-Southern Ashley S. Michelle talks about how she can't stand being compared to Chantal because she is nothing like Chantal. Did I miss something? I sat on my couch thinking, "I've been here the whole episode...I'm pretty sure I did not randomly blackout or fall asleep....when did anyone compare Michelle to Chantal?"....Michelle, I'm starting to think that Hector Projector is rearing it's ugly, black-eyed face, ....chill out, no one's comparing you to Chantal except you. Ashley S. sits patiently nodding, not saying anything and wishing that her relaxing morning coffee on the patio had not turned into a therapy session. I have a feeling she's longing for the days of chasing after actual children and not dealing with childish adults. At least she gets paid to be a nanny.

While Ashley is forced to act like a therapist, the other women are actually going to see a therapist - Dr. Drew. Quick opinion about Dr. Drew...I love him and think that, for the most part, he does a great job. And, unlike Dr. Phil, he is a legitimate psychologist. Brad also loves Dr. Drew...but continues to treat all therapists he meets as if they are psychics...the way he places so much trust in their opinions and their take on things....I just have images of Miss Cleo and her fake accent turning over tarot cards...I'm not sure he has yet to appreciate the difference.

The topic of cheating comes up and Stacy, the wicked awesome bartender from Boston, is the only one to admit that she's cheated. Point goes to her for honesty. But then she goes on to minimize her cheating, making it sound like it's a perfectly natural thing to do in college....a rite of passage, if you will. And now I'm taking my point back. The other girls shoot judgmental looks at her and Brad says he admires her honesty, while internally he removes her picture from the wall of potential future Mrs. Womacks.

Next up is wobbly-wheels Ashley H, who admits that she is "retracting" from Brad. Like Michelle, she apparently did not research what show she was signing up for as she also has surprising feelings about Brad forming connections with other people. Meghan asks Brad point-blank what his type is since he seems to be into so many different types of girls. Brad supplies a wonderful non-answer that satisfies the crowd. Britt, in a completely endearing moment of authenticity, admits that she is intimidated by Brad and gets nervous around him. I heart her and think she is definitely someone who would be in my circle of friends (especially with the whole being a chef aspect going for her)....which means that her time on the show is limited.

After Love Line, the crew heads for their first "non-wrap party" at Brad's temporary home which involves a hot tub that's way too small for all of them. I'm not a germaphobe, but even I used waterless hand sanitizer after that scene. I noticed that the teacher from Plano merely dipped her feet in - my first thought was that she might be self-conscious about being in a bathing suit on national television, but most teachers I know are complete germophobes and would rather die than dunk themselves in that bacterial breeding ground. Ashley H's wobbly wheels almost go flying completely off as she rants about not getting time with the Bachelor. I feel like she's earning a new tag line: "Crazy: Just Add Alcohol" The girls all engage in a particulary cut-throat version of "Steal the Womack"....including Britt...who manages to steal the Bachelor away for an extended period of time, during which they make out heavily. We don't see Britt often, but from what we have seen, she is not a girl who wastes any time. Ashley H. comes to interrupt them and has to swallow a bit of the vomit in her mouth after seeing Brad and Britt kiss.

Once they are alone, Ashley proceeds to say a barrage of mean and hurtful things to Brad, basically telling him that in order to protect herself, she is going to treat him like poop from now on. Pre-therapy Brad might have kicked her off the show right then and there (really...who talks to the Bachelor like that?...okay, maybr Chris Harrison - but he's the only one!), but post-three-years-of-therapy Brad tries to process her emotions with her. He decides that the best way to convince her that her really does like her (when she's being nice) is to give her the rose for the date. So Brad gathers the girls into the too-small, germ-filled hot tub to proceed with the akward awarding of the rose. After 5+ glasses of wine and a bad one-on-one time with Brad, Ashley H. has completely lost the ability to inhibit any thought that enters her mind....so she comments on how she hates this part. Visibly frustrated, Brad asks her to explain what she means. Ashley H looks bewildered at the other girls as if to say, "Come on - I know I'm not the only one who hates this part!"...the other girls silently shoot her looks that say, "Of course we hate this part, but we're not dumb enough to actually say it in front of Brad." In a bold move, Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt. Ashley H sulks in the corner of the hot tub, nursing her hurt feelings and pruney fingers.

The last one-on-one date goes to Mike Tyson Michelle, who has now claimed her date day as "my day"...with an emphasis on the "my" part. You what they say about parents being selfless....ok, I'm not going to go there - let's just say that parents like Michelle ensure that I will always have a job.

Favorite part of the whole episode goes to Chantal for pointing out that Michelle's date card is the only one-on-one date card that does not have the word "love" in it. Michelle immediately takes the bait and in a frantic voice proclaims, "Oh my God...I don't have love!" Chantal, your stock is rising.

I began to like Chantal even more the next day when Brad came to pick up Michelle for their date. He insists on talking with Wobbly Wheels alone before heading out on the date. Michelle is in a huff - it's her day. The conversation between WW and Brad is not worth commenting on, but Chantal's confrontation with Michelle is. As Michelle goes on and on...and on about how unfair it is that Ashley H is taking away from her time with Brad, Chantal astutely points out that Michelle did the same thing on the first group date, when she threw a 3-year-old's tantrum after seeing Britt make out with Brad. Michelle refuses to see the similarities between the situations and makes a mental note to shave off one of Chantal's eyebrows when she sleeps.

Brad comes back in and Michelle literally yanks his arm, pulling him out of the house. She makes not-so-subtle comments about wanting to be away from the other girls as they drive up to the house and she tries to peel her hair away from her face. She realizes that they are at Brad's temporary home and makes some assumptions that prove to be inaccurate. For the 100th time, a helicopter comes to pick up the Bachelor and his date and this time they land on the top of a building in downtown LA. Michelle loses her cool when she realizes that they are going to repel down the side of the building.

Side note: This does not bode well for all of us who do not like Michelle. There's a little known theory in psychology that has been backed by empirical research...the gist is this: when someone (Brad) is with someone who is moderately to highly attractive (Michelle) and is placed in a dangerous situation (scaling a tall building) that causes the body to activate the fight or flight alarm reaction, the brain confuses that activation with feelings of love (which, coincidently involve the same brain structures and chemicals). Just take the above parentheses and change them to "Jake" "Vienna" and "Bungee jumping" respectively and you'll understand why I'm worried (or to "Ali" "Roberto" and "Tight rope walking"...but I like them so they get a pass).

Not surprisingly, they successfully scale the building and one of the ABC interns gets a little camera time. They both agree that if they can conquer this together then they must be meant to be together...clearly. Brad jumps in the pool and Michelle follows suit with the most ungraceful half-dive/half belly flop. They chat in the water...I kind of start to zone out at this point because Michelle annoys me so much. Bottom line, she gets the rose and we are subjected to yet another week of her. But at least she didn't do that weird rose dance again. She did however, do an awkward gang symbol when she stated that the other girls need to go home. Keep it up and you'll have another black eye that didn't come from an unknown source.

The rose ceremony was fairly mundane. Brad makes sure to spend time with the girls he didn't have dates with that week. Shawntal continues to be awesome and to go with the flow...which once again makes me question how long she will remain in the running...there's something about this show that tends to weed out all the normal girls.

The Bachelor meets with Meghan, who has turned into the girl to whom all the others girls complain about each other. Brad talks to her in a way that left me feeling like she and her fucshia platforms would be hitching a ride home later that night...and I was right.

Brad then takes Emily outside with a picnic basket in an effort to recreate their vineyard date on the driveway....charming or cheesey? You decide. Emily is all Southern belle and I feel that, while it is charming to a point, it sometimes comes across as distant and too formal. The way Chantal can joke with Brad feels like an authentic connection, while Emily and Brad feel forced.

Speaking of Chantal....she's busy having a breakdown over Brad's picnic with Emily. For the self-proclaimed "tough girl" she may have cried more than anyone else up until this point....including Emily, who truly has something to cry over. Chantal has a chance to confront Brad about her feelings and the main thing I got from their conversation is that Brad appreciates Chantal's ability to immasculate him......huh? Yup, that's what I got. It reminds me of the waise saying about the traits that you love at the beginning of a relationship are likely to be the ones that drive you crazy later on....I rest my case.

No surprises in the rose ceremony. The red headed teacher from Plano goes home, stating that she has no regrets and that she behaved herself in a manner consistent with how her parents raised her....which is likely why she's going home. Stacey, our cheating bartender, and Meghan were also sent home.

Next week, ABC ups the sadistic quotient tenfold by asking Emily to participate in a car-racing date...I mean seriously - that's just cruel and I'm kind of upset that they are putting this poor girl through all this. First the airplane ride and now the racecar driving date....Brad will be a total a-hole if he insists that she go through with it. But we shall see next week...right now we just need to bask in the glow of Michelle's day...and it doesn't matter when you read this, because every day is Michelle's day (complete with fireworks!)